Hi all, Been reading through manythreads before posting andhavefound several people with similar situations. Lots of great advice from members andthe staff, so I’m hopeful. So, here’s our story. Been married 18+ years. Rocky at times but Also periods of a loving caring relationship. Over the pat 10 years i had been traveling quite a bit dor work throughout the country. Not a good situation for a relationship to prosper and we began drifting apart. Communication began to dwindle to a point where we would just kind of talk to each other about family matters, like finances, kids etc. Affection and intimacy was nearly non existant. Fast forward to last year, July/Oct time frame and I decided to seperate as we both seemed miserable with the current situation and leaving seemedto be the best option. We communicated with each other during this time apart but it was only relating to kids and how to proceed with the divorce. During this time by myself I realized that i had made a terrible mistake and began to think of ways to reconcile. Finally I just decided to tell her staight away that I wanted try to work things out. W was skeptical at first but eventually decided to move forward with an attempt to “patch things up. I was elated. However, the main problem that I’m having now is I know she was actively searching on a few online dating sites during our several apart apart. I truly believe she was dating during this time as I saw her profile on a local dating site. She denies it and has been rather evasive whenI’ve asked her about it. Because of that, I’m not completely sure if she has stopped surfing those sites since we’ve been trying to patch things up. This has lead to me feeling very much insecure about the future of our relationship. Is this something I should just let go because it was done during our separation?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Communication began to dwindle to a point where we would just kind of talk to each other about family matters, like finances, kids etc. Affection and intimacy was nearly non existant.
What about now? You're working on things, is communication better? Please check into Retrouvaille, it as it is specifically geared towards people that are trying to reconcile but have communication issues.
Quote:
However, the main problem that I’m having now is I know she was actively searching on a few online dating sites during our several apart apart. I truly believe she was dating during this time as I saw her profile on a local dating site.
I imagine you were as well? Grass wasn't greener after all? Look you broke up with her, you pushed for D, are you surprised she decided to date a little? I can't help but wonder how far your dating activities went and if you're not paranoid because you're reflecting your own activities onto her. It's actually fairly common for WAS's (which you were before) to do that.
Quote:
She denies it and has been rather evasive whenI’ve asked her about it. Because of that, I’m not completely sure if she has stopped surfing those sites since we’ve been trying to patch things up. This has lead to me feeling very much insecure about the future of our relationship.
Explain more about your situation, I'm not clear on whether you've actually tried to reconcile or have just talked about it. What has happened so far? Individual counseling? Marriage counseling? Live separate or together? Also explain your timeline in detail. I don't read anything yet that would justify your paranoia, but I'll warn you that if you keep expressing it to her you could wreck your chances of recon.
Hello Bernie, my husband left but I haven't tried to date. I guess it's a personal choice for each person whether they want to date while separated. My suspicion would be if you left your wife, and not the other way around, and you make the effort to reconcile, then she won't feel like staying on the online dating sites. If you just recently expressed your interest in reconciling she may not quite believe you yet, or she may still be skeptical and not ready to give up online dating since she has no certainty about her marriage with you. If I were your wife, I'd want to see you do everything possible to create a second chance by being ready to go to counseling, planning dates together, buying cards or gifts, offering your undivided attention, talking about plans together in the future, saying you're sorry for leaving and really mean it, etc..
It's hard to convince someone not to worry about online dating, but unless you're aware of your wife having a serious boyfriend I'd try to disregard it if I were you. Once you and your wife have a secure relationship again I don't believe she'll want to browse those sites anymore.
It's great that you decided to try again! I hope you and your wife will be able to fix everything and be happier than ever once you get through the reconciliation process.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
However, the main problem that I’m having now is I know she was actively searching on a few online dating sites during our several apart apart. I truly believe she was dating during this time as I saw her profile on a local dating site.
First of all, I think you have to decide if that ^^^^^^^^^ is a deal breaker.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W had a "boyfriend" for five months that she picked up on a site and he pulled out because she couldn't commit to the R.
Dating is not as easy as it seems, yes you can have quick distractions, but to find some lasting is very very difficult.
Even if there is a thing going on, it's quite likely to go bust.
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
