lost and desperate think she has closed Part 2

[along]

link to previous thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2783176#Post2783176



Here we go. Got home tonight and the W was continuing to pack. I didn't help even let her go get dinner when she went for supplies. All seemed fine until just as she was going to bed. she asked me what I wanted payed to board her horse. Told her 75/mo. she was fine with that. then she asked if I was going to pay her 40 or 41 thousand for buying her out of the home. when I said I was thinking lower she wanted me to make a decision. She then went to bed. A couple of minutes late she comes back out and wants to know why I was thinking less. We discussed briefly and I told her where I was she got mad and claimed she was owed at least the 30 thousand she put into our first house. I have a feeling that the OM told her she better find out what I'm up to, like I was trying to screw her out of what is hers. I wanted to throw what she always said about if you want out of the marriage you take what you came with, but I didn't. I held firm that I was thinking a lower number and had been working on getting the refinance going. So much for keeping it civil and agreeable. I hope it doesn't get too out of hand, but I am through being pushed around.

[along]

Well tomorrow is the big day she is moving out. She had her mother and sister over to help pack. Her oldest sister can't understand why it has to be like this and really didn't help except to clean and that caused my W to cry to her mother. She is emotionally a wreck right now and I have resisted showing her any sympathy.
I began checking on refinancing the house, but most will not do anything until the divorce is final. Just another thing for the W to get upset about. she wants a value for the buyout to put in the agreement. Trying to handle this like a business deal, calm cool no emotion. I will still be dealing with her for awhile. Am trying to stay NC and let her contact me.

[SteveLW]

along, she does seem awfully wrapped up in finances. Has she always been like that?

[sandi2]

If you think tomorrow will be too emotional for you, plan to do something special after work. If you don't want to walk into the house alone, ask someone to go to the house with you. Plan ahead. Whatever you need........be your best friend tomorrow. Get the emotional support you need from family/friends.

Good job holding it together emotionally.

((hugs))

[AnotherStander]

She is emotionally a wreck right now and I have resisted showing her any sympathy.

Why? Do you want to appear cold and indifferent? Because that is probably how it looks to her. I know you want to blame her for everything like most LBS's, but this is not easy for her to go through. It would not be at all out of place to offer her some empathy. I'm not saying cry on her shoulder (don't do that), but maybe offer something like "I'm sorry this is so difficult for you, I am trying to support you through this as best I can."

I began checking on refinancing the house, but most will not do anything until the divorce is final. Just another thing for the W to get upset about. she wants a value for the buyout to put in the agreement.

You have to get an independent appraisal done to officially determine value. If I remember right it costs around 150 bucks. Someone will walk the house inside and out, compare it to comps and write a report with a numerical value at the end of the report. If you owe money on it then obviously you have to back out the principal owed to determine what "share" each of you has in the home.

[along]

Steve85, No she has not been this way I believe it is the OM who is telling her to do some of this.

Anotherstander, I don't blame her for everything, I tend to be the NG and take blame for everything. If I were to do as you say I don't think I could hold it together. I get what you are saying but I just don't know what I should have done.

Sandi2, I stuck around for the start of the process but then left after I was sure that she was not trying to take things that weren't suppose to go with her. I did some mortgage stuff and then visited with some friend with drinks and dinner before heading home.

We were waiting for our taxes to be completed and had to meet for that. before we did that her first text to me was what her new address was. I just don't get how she is thinking or reacting now. she is definitely not the girl I married some 13+ years ago.

[along]

Well, after the W moved her major items she has left quite a bit in the basement. We had to meet at the accountants to finish our taxes and then went our separate ways. Later on in the evening she texted about weather she left a glass at the house so I responded, she then responded with a thank you! and then Are you doing OK? I didn't respond to that and that is the last I have heard from her. I have not texted or called her either. I do however want to find out when she intends to get the rest of her things out of the house. I am trying to take my time to compose the question so I dont sound like and a**.

[along]

Texted W to tell her we needed to talk. We are meeting at the house tomorrow evening. I have several things which include the time frame for removing the rest of her things and financial issues. I know I should not bring up the OM during a couple of the items but I am having a tough time holding my tounge as I rehearse what I want to say to her. If anyone reads this please remind me that this is counter productive and will only serve to push her further away. I know she wants to get some numbers from me so that she can have her lawyer finish the D papers and agreement. I caught her at the OM house over the weekend and so wanted to confront them, but I was able to remind myself that this will change nothing.

[MoveFrwd]

What do you mean “caught her”? I mean...it isn’t like she’s trying to hide it, right?

But no...the finances have nothing to do with OM. Don’t bring it up. It isn’t related or important to the conversation.

[joejoe1]

Let go of this OM issue. The problem isn't him it's your WW. When you talk about him you give him more validity, you make yourself look weak. Do only the things that make you look strong.

Most Waywards think that the other person is meant for them and that all their problems will be fixed by moving on. But when reality sets in the LBS is strong and made all the changes that the wayward wanted. They move on to this new person to start over and find out that the other person isn't perfect and nobody is perfect including themselves. While they are on this destructive path we as LBS learn, reflect and grow, while they are doing the opposite.

I say all that too say. Be strong, give her space to realize, what she is giving up. She can't see your changes if you are constantly perusing her. Dont talk about the R or M tomorrow, she will see strength in you if you don't bring up the M or R (it will be hard as he'll, I know). Keep everything about the numbers. Don't try to keep her around. Plan something to do, so you have an exit plan. Like plan to go to a movie that starts a hour after the meetup between you two are suppose to happen. By doing this, you don't linger and you can say, "I really appreciate the talk but I have plans in a little bit, if you don't mind I would like to start getting ready. If theres anything else you think we missed just text it to me.".

This also shows her that you won't be waiting around as a second option. I know what you are thinking want this push her further away? Maybe, but think about what you have done so far, has that kept her with you. No, so it's time to try something different. Like AS says you have to push the AP and the WW closer together, so the WW have to live outside the fantasy and deal with real life issues without the LBS in the picture.(a scary thought right). The only thing that can break a fantasy is reality. You pulling away is a wake up call and a part of reality. The person that had their back far so long is pulling away and this new person has to pick up all that slack.

Don't bring up OM or how you knew she was over there.