I am lost and confused. Im 23 and wife 22. We met at 14-15. We had our first born (son)at 19-18... which was tough but we powered through. I focused on bringing in the income and she focused on the baby and home. For the past 4 years, I accumulated a six figure income and we had our second child (daughter). son will be 5 and daughter will 2 this july. I ended up neglecting my young wife and kids while developing my career and business. When I finally created a self sufficient business i decided to focus on my family (jan 2018). But it was too late.. august of 2017, wife has been super affectionate and i didnt think twice of it. But recently i found out she has been having multiple A. She started going out with GFs who were single and i guess she got influenced. When i found out what was going on, i lost it. I begged and did everything wrong. But i also did alot of self reflecting, and i can hear her sad voice over the phone asking me to come home early or texting me when are you getting out of work. I always ignored her. I realized i neglected her so i started researching how to fix this. I started detaching 2 weeks ago but I keep slipping because when I pull away she comes closer. She wants a divorce but doesnt want me to leave the home. of sorry, she was a stay at home mom until 2 months ago. So for the past 2 weeks, i been trying to play it cool but it is so hard. I stopped saying I love you and she hasn't said it at all. i asked for her ring back and she gave it to me but asked for it back because she said "It's my shield. I show to anyone who tried to bother me, especially when i go out with my friends or i am at work." i didnt know how to take that, but i gave it back to her. But this week, she would leave home with it, and when i get home shes not wearing it.. We started going on dates and she holds my arm and hugs me but after i found out what shes been doing, she refuses to kiss me. I asked her why and she said she is ashamed. She has also been actively speaking of having a third child, but i think she is messing with my feelings. She blamed me for everything and at first i accepted it. But after reading the post here, i told her her actions are her own and she said she's okay with that and she doesn't care. I want to scream i love you and come back! it's so hard. I dont know what to do because last night she left the house sad because a friend of mine was asking her about me and apparently that made her depressed so she went out and i found out she had S with someone she met a few months ago for the first time. I am a disgusted by her actions but I still want to work this out. She also says she feels like she lives off of me and wants to hurry and finish up school and then decided where we stand but for now her actions are justified because we are 'separated'. I dont know if i should even try.. can someone please help me !
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'll just start by saying not to believe what she says. And, whatever you do......don't have another baby! If she is pushing it, it's b/c she has reason to be concerned that she could already pregnant by OM. I hope you aren't having unprotected sex with her. Be smart.
Read everything on Cadet's post.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have read everything 3 times over as I visited this website. I do believe she thinks she might be pregnant and I told her clearly not to talk to me about the future and especially another baby until she stops doing this.
She didn't respond to that and completely ignores that. I have an open job offer to leave New York and go to NC and she says she wants to go with me. I offered to keep her in New York and I dont mind talking both the kids with me and at first she accused me of 'taking her away from her life and how she is finally happy with her life' and now she is saying she is okay with going and believe it will be better for the family. I ask her what does that mean and she says "i think i will be happier with you around more and the kids will get have a better life". I then asked her so what is that she wants from us, and than she gets defensive and answers: "Stop pressuring me. You want an answer to a question I dont have an answer. But if you need one right now, then I don't want to be with you". i ended the conversation there as she started to get upset.
Also here is how this week went: Saturday night: Kids stayed at Grandparents. We went out to a bar and got loaded (mistake, because we have never done this) anyways, after the first drink we danced and she held on to me and asked why i took so long to take her out and why does it have to be now after she left. Mind you thursday she cheated on me with a stranger she met once before. She asked me why I wasn't disgusted by her actions and how i could possibly stand with her here tonight. I responded truthfully: " I am not completely sure but I know I want you to be mine again completely. I don't understand what you are going through or why you are doing all this risky stuff. We built something beautiful together and for all this to crash just for some meaningless sex doesn't make any sense to me. I am horrified by what she did but When I look at you, I see past the first layer everyone else sees and that person inside, i am still the only person that knows her truly.
she then leaned to rest her head on my chest while we dance. When we got home, we had sex and she said she loved me, I didn't respond as I didn't know if she was drunk talking. We went to sleep and she insisted i hold her.
Sunday: I already started planning on being a single day so I had the day planned. She wanted to tag along so I didn't stop her. We went to a kids cafe and they loved it, after we went to eat at her favorite spot where we use go to a lot when she was pregnant with our second child. In the car she was talking about another baby and I told her to stop. She got sad and I told her, I am not ready for that kind of conversation. I will not bring a kid into a broken home. she understood. When we were at the restaurant, our daughter who is currently going her terrible 2's phase was being loud and disruptive lol regular 2 year old stuff, but my wife insisted on hold her while i finished. I took a few more bites but saw my daughter was getting restless and I knew my wife was tired. I took my daughter told my wife to enjoy and I already had my son in control... My wife started eating and teared up and looked at me and said "I love you so much" and I didn't know how to respond. I said "wow, what is this about. I love you too" and brushed it off and started playing with daughter, wife said "I really love you, i hope you know that" and then asked me to give her a kiss. I kissed her for the first time in weeks (sex doesn't count). And she went back to eating and cried for a few more seconds.. happy tears?
got home, got the kids ready for bed. She and i bathed together and spoke, she opened about how she was lonely for so long and decided she didnt want this marriage. She told me she hated herself and always ignored everyone trying to reach out to her. She told me about first A and only 1 other which was the Thursday night to firday morning. She said doesnt regret it... but its not what i think. It was just to fill a void. I listened. We went to sleep.
Monday: We woke at 5. She started getting ready for work and I started getting everything prepared for the kids breakfast and lunch. around 6:30 she came into the kitchen after finishing make up and hair and asked why i didnt spend the morning with her. I told her the truth, the dishes were in the washer and I was trying to figure out what to do for breakfast. She saw I made french toast and got upset. I asked her why is she being sour and she said "you cant just take my job now. You weren't around before and we sure as hell don't need you know. You are only good for playing with the kids and working. I was hurt and i told her, i am not here to take your "job". You work now, and I created a life style where I can be around more now. I left to wake the kids up and when I got back, she apologized and said, imagine I joined your company and out shined you, and I responded I fully understand you. But I would never come close to being the mom you are.
She left to work with our son and gave me a kiss. I left when the baby sitter arrived shortly after. That night we joked around and bathed together.
Tuesday: Morning was similar but she made breakfast as she didn't work. I worked out and she watched me and said I looked sexy. I went to take a shower and left for work soon after, I didn't kiss her. She called through out the day and tried to make small talk or update me on the kids like old times. Through out work i studied this site a lot. When i got home i told her that " i want to continue experiencing life and still exploring all corners of this world, i wanted to do it with her but i understand if she doesnt want to be apart of my world" she stayed quite. I also said if she doesn't stop what she is doing i want a fair chance to walk away with some dignity. She told me she is completely transparent. We planned for Wednesday lunch date.
Wednesday: Morning, i made breakfast, left for work, no kiss. She works until 12-1 on Wednesday. She cancelled on me and didn't pick up the kids until 3 from my parents that day. Around 2 she texted me she was depressed. I was being a total rock before that because she cancelled on me and didn't pick the kids up at 130 like she is supposed to. But once i read that messages i melted and i called her after i was done with my meeting. She expressed to me she doesn't know whats going but she feels sad and needs me. and cant wait to see me when i get home. I know what she did. (verified), she had sex with A1. So i got home and went for the kids. Played and got ready for bed, She cooked me something she was very excited for me to try, i told her i wasn't hungry and she went completely cold. I put the kids to bed and she was very upset. I asked her about her where about, she told me half truth and got upset. I said okay you don't have to get upset and i went to take a shower. I went to bed and she showered and asked for me to cuddle with her, i did.
Thursday: we are both off. Son's catholic school is closed for a week and a half. We had a nice family day, took my daughter to get group play class, we went out to eat. I went to my office for a little bit and got home and wife was ready for out night out. Dropped kids off. We went on a 2 hour 'cruise' around the city. It was beautiful and we laughed a lot. She tried speaking of a baby again and i changed the conversation. after cruise we went to that bar again and said we will not get 'smashed' again. We went to eat, and really enjoyed ourselves. Were there around 8-9 so the music was still low and not a lot of people. But slowly the crowd started building up and the dj came and we started dancing for the next few hours. Apparently I can dance really well and people dragged us on to the dance platform and we dance alone while everyone cheered us on. We laughed, hugged and she half kissed? idk, she was being weird about the kissing and i too didn't want to kiss her. But i did learn something new, she didn't want to leave. She was pacing her drink so she didn't get totally drunk but remain tipsy. Around 3 am we finally left, and i got a little frisky but she didn't respond so i stopped. Honestly i was just testing the waters. When we got home, we went to bed and she woke me up and we ended up having sex unprotected. However she is a few days away from her period ...
Friday: Morning she usually works but was off for good Friday, i had work lol.. i only slept for 2 hours. We picked the kids up in the morning and she dropped me off to work. We spoke all day however she got mad because the house was a complete mess because we went out and are neglecting the chores.
**Before all this, we barely went out alone. So we had a routine which both of us are tired of. So going out on the day we usually cleaned does seem to impose a problem. When I got home, we went to purchase some new hampers and I told her, as this is new for us. How about Wednesday night we try to keep the house clean so Thursday are smoother. We smiled and asked me to try her new dish. It was awesome and i complimented her on the cooking. She said she was tired and asked if i could shower in the morning and cuddle with her. I did
today, saturday: I was in the office all day and she texted me here there to update me on the kids. She told me she is going out on thursday without me. I asked with who and she didnt respond. I asked if it was a girl and she said no. I told her i will talk to her when i get home and she replied no and called me. I didnt answer.
im thinking of going home and drawing boundaries. If she crosses such boundaries, I would like to part way cordially for the sake of our children and remaining active full time parents.
