I think popular psychology has it dead wrong. Read a book...... Research shows that in most situations children grow up healthier (as adults) in troubled (not abusive) marriages than in divorced families. The key is "grow up." The immediate effects of divorce might be helpful but the long term impacts are significant.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/13/1806:32 AM. Reason: edited for book title
I didn't want to counteract what you said JujuB. I think in my messed up situation it would be healthier to have defined boundaries (likely through divorce) than have this nebulous state of affairs.
I really don't know what my ambitions are. Healthy kids I suppose? I have no desire to continue the marriage. The only thing that is causing me to put the brakes on divorce is the kids. But feelings are fickle. Given the right atmosphere feelings can return.
I dont understand exactly. You dont want to continue the marriage, but you dont want to get divorced.....why not, exactly? Is it better for the kids that you keep this nesting arrangement or is it better to show them how to have a healthy relationship?
Have you read DR? The first two steps involve really figuring out what YOU want. If you dont have that down, there isnt much more we can actually help you with!
Originally Posted By: WillyO
I've given her money because I've viewed her as my spouse and that's what we're supposed to do for each other. (I suppose that's turned me into an enabling doormat.)
So if she asks for a $20 bill, lights it on fire in front of your face and then asks you for another one, youd give it to her? Shes living with another man....why are you buying her food?!
Originally Posted By: WillyO
While she's not healthy and is busy (boyfriend, school), I would like to have primary custody of the kids, since I feel I can provide more stability.
So what steps are you taking towards that?
Originally Posted By: WillyO
18 months ago I was a fearful and somewhat controlling man who always put others' needs before mine. We were codependent; we never did anything apart from each other and therefore had a very poor social life. Since that time I've become more outgoing, I'm not afraid to try new things, I buy things for myself, I go out for dinner and movies with friends, and become more confident. I'm working on GAL still but I've made major steps compared to where I was.
Thats a lot of great starts. Though it still looks like you are putting HER needs in front of yours.
What NEW things are you doing for yourself since 18 months ago? One new hobby? One new friend? etc.
Originally Posted By: WillyO
I think I need to set a boundary with the finances. Also, set boundaries for when she is allowed to come to the house. She is kind and friendly so it's not like I'm treated badly.
What EXACTLY do you mean by boundaries? Can you give some examples?
And if this woman who is sleeping in another mans house and waltzing back in and expecting you to serve her like the Queen of Siam isnt treating you badly, Id like to know what you define as being 'treated badly'!
Originally Posted By: WillyO
How would you recommend dealing with the irresponsible parenting issues?
What have you tried so far? In my opinion, you may not like how she 'dumps them in bed', but in my opinion, there isnt much you can do while she has that partial custody besides try to talk about it together. What kinds of conversations have you had besides "will you do X, Y, or Z?"
I fundamentally disagree with this. Isnt this the whole point of DR??
I would say you cant CONTROL her behavior. But if you do things like stick up for your boundaries, stop giving her money, etc, etc, her behavior will probably change...you just cant necessarily control the outcome.
We had our first appointment with a marriage and family therapist this morning. My goal with going to the therapist (T) is to have T 1) help us sort out what to tell the kids, 2) develop a co-parenting plan, and 3) work with the kids on behavioral issues in the context of the family. It was a very difficult time since I was confronted with my contributions to the marriage, all over again. I've buried my guilt and regret for the behavior or by going to IC, but the weight of it overwhelmed me today.
My behavior has changed drastically in the last 15 months which W acknowledges, but unfortunately, that is how W continues to see me. In the past, when we had marriage disagreements W would typically shut down, become defensive, or be overly sensitive. I would respond with internalized anger that would build up until I exploded by occasionally harming myself or breaking things (5-6 x per year). It's almost too much to bear thinking about what I did wrong.
W told the therapist today that she wanted to pursue the divorce. Part of me was hoping W would be open to waiting, so the finality in her words was difficult to hear.
