This is my first post. My H and I have been married for 16 years with 5 children. After we met I fell pg 6 weeks later, it was a real whirlwind and we were married later that year (7months pg). He was in the army and we had to get married to live together (we are in the UK). We were very much in love and happy.
My H had previously been married and his ex W went off with another man and took their children (2 sons) with her. We fought through the courts but she was allowed to move back to her home country and contact was cut - despite our effort. The eldest son (now 26) has now got back in contact with us.
At this time my husband served in Afghanistan and I was at home with a newborn baby and alone. He came home when eldest was 6 months old. It was a wonderful time and I fell pregnant again. We were then posted overseas. We had 7 wonderful years in Germany - we had our ups and downs but life was happy, fun and we had a further 3 children (5 in total)- the last 2 being twins.
In 2010 my H left the army (he had done his time) and we moved back to the UK .we decided we would both work part time and share the child care. This is when I believe we started to drift apart. H found it difficult to get rewarding work and became frustrated, disillusioned and struggled to adapt to civvy life. I felt I was doing more and more and withdrew from him and focused on the children and getting through each day.
10/2017 H started to go out more and make new friends sometimes not coming home. I became frustrated and said that I might as well be a single parent. He opened up and said he was suffereing with PTSD and had (a few months previous) felt suicidal - I hadn’t noticed - I felt terrible - I had been on egg shells for month and I think also having my own crisis feeling unsupported and exhausted. D (14) has had mental health issues with self harm and S (9) has learning issues at school and I was managing this with no support from H - he was unable to. He sought some counselling but hated it.
23/10/2017 BD - he hadn’t been to bed for a few nights and I went downstairs and he was sleeping in his sleeping bag. I asked him if he was coming to bed and he just said ‘I don’t want to be married’. That was it - said he felt numb. We agreed to have Christmas Day as a family. It was a lovely day we cooked together and H bought me really thoughtful gifts - including perfume. After Christmas he refused to talk about us and just said he didn’t know what he wanted just that he didn’t feel the same. He was also going out with friends and staying overnight still - I have no problem with this but I just wanted him to let me know his plans and roughly when he would be home.l
We went to 2 MC sessions but they were so painful as all he said was he could see no future in us and I wanted to try anything. I got angry, upset but just going round in circles. I sought IC and started antidepressants. It became clearer that I haven’t been happy either for a long time.
I started reading DB and did a 180 - wished him well when he went off out and listened when he wanted to talk about work etc (previously I’d switched off). I made the mistake of a R talk 5 weeks ago. I am trying to GAL but it’s difficult with working and 5 children and H who will just decide he needs to escape and will go out. Plus money is really tight. I looked at the way I communicated and my inability to state my needs (this is still an issue that I am working on)
He is still sleeping downstairs but we are talking more thanin a long time (not about us, just children and general stuff). Today he cooked Sunday lunch for us all and we played a family game (it’s mothering Sunday in the UK today). I have said thank you for making it a special day. I am concerned that previously I cut him out and I do believe that he is still struggling with ptsd and his mental health. I don’t want to appear too cold nor do I want to scare him off. I am just trying to take time and baby steps. I would love any advice. I am worried we have become/ becoming friends / lodgers/ just parents rather than husband and wife. Thanks for reading x
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm a veteran but not aware of what the UK services are for PTSD. Can you tell me what your h's specialty is in the army? Is he infantry or artillery or a ranger? (Whatever it is called, there).
And can he get veteran's help there? I"m assuming he could, and I would assume he'd want to. How is he interacting with the kids? And what about his older sons? Any more contact with them?
The more he connects with family members, the better, I would think. That, and availing himself of the services from the veteran's center would be pretty important.
Keep posting. It gets better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
UK services for veterans are not great - he left the army and then nothing - apart from a pension! He sought some help 6 months ago but he said it didn’t help - now he has made a group of friends that are ex military and they meet and talk about their experiences. He now works as a school caretaker (janitor?) and he gets really frustrated. In the army he was in the signals - originally a Russian linguist and then in logistics.
With the kids he is all or nothing! He relates better to the twin boys. Although (at my gentle suggestion) this weekend he did take the girls out for a few hours. D (14) is really upset with him and what he is doing to the family - and tells him so! His eldest S (26) he occasionally sees / speaks to - they are very similar and both happy with the occasional contact. The younger son (20) has no contact through choice - he was only 4 when H last saw him and his Ex W stopped all contact.
I am trying hard to keep it all together. I do worry that I will become a doormat. But being positive and changing the way I am communicating with him is certainly proving helpful. The hardest thing is no R talk - I am learning patience! I worry if I detach too much he will feel abandoned. Things at home are better in so many ways but he sleeps downstairs.....
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
UK services for veterans are not great - he left the army and then nothing - apart from a pension! He sought some help 6 months ago but he said it didn’t help - now he has made a group of friends that are ex military and they meet and talk about their experiences. He now works as a school caretaker (janitor?) and he gets really frustrated. In the army he was in the signals - originally a Russian linguist and then in logistics. those are marketable skills if he finds the right niche. Logistics is a lot like project managers, and being a Russian linguist is - in certain arenas - very marketable. Maybe a government job. With the kids he is all or nothing! I noticed that, below. So, How'd you feel about that when you met him? Did you know when you were dating or only after you married?
I only ask b/c it makes me wonder about my x's new "love". Surely she notices he abandoned all 4 of his family members, not just me. Zero contact with his 3 children and to be honest, when I meet a man who is not in touch with his kids or is, barely, I run.
It means he can drop off the planet and not do a thing about it. It does not bode well for the ability to connect and commit and stay "all in" over time.
It happened in his past, before he went overseas, so maybe this episode is not related to his service.
And beware of those who use service times to wallow and sort of glom onto it as their identity.
He relates better to the twin boys. Although (at my gentle suggestion) this weekend he did take the girls out for a few hours. D (14) is really upset with him and what he is doing to the family - and tells him so! His eldest S (26) he occasionally sees / speaks to - they are very similar and both happy with the occasional contact. meaning, neither wants to be close?
The younger son (20) has no contact through choice - he was only 4 when H last saw him and his Ex W stopped all contact. Did they have joint custody? Did he ever initiate proceedings to get any, or try to establish a relationship with his younger son from that marriage?
What did you think of this^^^ relationship? Curious, did you believe that it was all due to the ex wife?
I am trying hard to keep it all together. I do worry that I will become a doormat.
Exercise choice^^^. You can choose NOT to be a doormat. You can choose to be an empowered woman with some clear enforceable boundaries.
But being positive and changing the way I am communicating with him is certainly proving helpful. The hardest thing is no R talk - I am learning patience! he will address the R when HE feels like it. And he may not feel like it.
He may prefer to eat cake and not have to meet any expectations, regardless of how reasonable. At some point, (not today), you will need to decide how much you can OR should tolerate. Kids are watching so you must set an example of a dignified woman with grace, who navigates through desertion and betrayal IF that is what this becomes or is.
You must prepare for the chance he may not become the man you need him to be. My only advice is that you not stay in a marriage based on a man's potential as a spouse, but on his actuality as a spouse.
I worry if I detach too much he will feel abandoned. Things at home are better in so many ways but he sleeps downstairs.....
This^^ is a common fear of so many people. Sort of a reason to DO something b/c we want to feel we are not powerless.
You are not powerless over yourself. But HE is the only one in charge of what HE does.
A lot of LBSers think if they are strong and independent, that a spouse who has pushed them away will feel as if they are the rejected ones and put guilt onto the LBS. (That's kind of crazy talk we do to ourselves.)
But pursuing the WAS comes off as pressure and it fails. Plus, your h has not said he wants pursuit by you, correct?
Sleeping downstairs because....what does he SAY is the reason for that?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
He hasn’t said why he is sleeping downstairs. He doesn’t sleep well anyway. This last week has been OK - I have had 2 evenings out (GAL) and when in the house together we have chatted loads (nothing about us). His eldest son is visiting in a couple of weeks and he talked about us all doing something together - a few weeks ago I would not have been included in this. He is also letting me know if he’s going to be late home from work etc. such a change!
This evening we watched tv together and chatted about some funny times in the past - it was really lovely to reminisce (he started the conversation). Then we’ve both gone our separate ways to bed. I want to reach out to him but I don’t want to blow it as since December we have come so far. I just really need a hug - but don’t want to push him too far.
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
Things have been really calm at home. We have chatted (no R talk), talked about the kids etc.... On Friday we even went out for lunch together - was relaxed, just chatting. I had an appointment to go to so it was a natural end to the lunch. He went out with friends that evening coming home the next day (but had been drinking and it was in the city 30 minutes away), so that was OK. He came back and told me all about his night out, who he was with etc... (normally he doesn't amd I don't ask). Spent the rest of the weekend together as family - him sleeping downstairs.
Monday I go to yoga in the evening and it was about an hour before I had to collect D12 from drama, so I decided to not go home and just have a browse around a supermarket. Collect D12 and went home. As I entered the house I received a string of text messages, all sent individually 'I've just got milk, missing you, kissing you, tempting you, frustrating you, loving you'. Before I read them I said why have you just sent a load of messages and then looked down and read them and I was completely thrown....I reached for his hand (he didn't pull away) and asked what the messages are for? He said he didn't know (the kids were all still around at this point). I sent him a text asking if they were meant for me - he didn't reply! Kids went to bed, nothing was said, we watched TV and normal chat, went to bed (separately).
Yesterday no mention of it, normal chat etc... we went to the twins school parents evening together - all fine, watched tv together. Went to bed separately. I think I have messed up today as I have sent a message saying we need to talk - I have seen that he has read it, but no reply.I won't pursue again.
What do I do now? Forget that he sent these texts? Do I continue how things are (which have been so much better as 3 months ago he couldn't even be in the same room as me). I will continue to GAL but I am struggling to ignore this too and I have 2 nights of not sleeping again. I am looking for words of wisdom if anyone has any?!? Help!
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
As hard as it is... don't make a big deal of it with him.
I agree that he is softening but if you start pointing out every slip he will withdraw again.
My H frequently at more relaxed times would use words of endearment with me because it felt natural in the moment. Later it was like we took several steps back and he acted like he never said it.
Don't say things like "yesterday you were just texting me you missed me"... big mistake. Just let it flow naturally. I know this is sooooo hard. Been there/done that.
It is a good sign. That means to keep doing what you are doing - its working.
