This is kind of a side thread but I expect I am not the first to wonder.
Slipping or making mistakes while doing LRT or rules or guidelines or whatever involves Detaching is normal and expected. After all, we are human. I believe that the easiest and most common way to get off track is to reattach, so to speak when S shows some response to previously mentioned measures.
So my question is, is there any good advice on getting back on track DETACHING after slipping from ones intended path?
A way to resume when you warm up to S's reaction to your 180 etc.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
It's easier to get back once you've had an argument but without an event, it's not so clear.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I can't believe I'm alone in this. If you haven't experienced the slip, I believe you will. S starts being nice and you forget the process.
Sure wish someone with sound advice would chime in?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
If I am reading this correctly what you are saying as that your W starting being nice to you and you lost your $hit thinking she was coming around and she is not. Is this correct?
If this is the case you got temp checked and she knows your'e still plan B and you set yourself way back.
If I am reading this correctly what you are saying as that your W starting being nice to you and you lost your $hit thinking she was coming around and she is not. Is this correct?
I wouldn't describe it as losing my $hit.
And who knows is W is coming around? I am aware that it could very well be temp-taking. It really doesn't matter. Until she is ready for proper reconciliation, it really doesn't matter.
What does Detachment look like to me?
Pretty much sandi's list.
I don't mind discussing my personal sitch, but I feel this is a common issue.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Sandi's rules may help you obtain detachment. Detachment is....
Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not rigidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detached involvement.
Today I will factor in uncertainty as an essential ingredient of my experience. In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem, out of the confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure I will feel, because uncertainty is my path to freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty, I will find my security.
I will step into the field of all possibilities and anticipate the excitement that can occur when I remain open to infinity of choices. When I step into the field of all possibilities, I will experience all the fun, adventure, magic, and mystery of life.
I can honestly say, I don't read anything into anything my H texts. But I'm either one of the lucky...or unlucky one's in that my H very very rarely gets in touch with me. He only ever replies to a text I've sent, with regard to finances.
His last text did begin with a much more friendly greeting 'Hi there' and I may have felt a small (the smallest small you can possibly get!) stab of hope, but I was able to dismiss it very quickly.
I backslid and made mistakes early on in our sitch...in those times, I apologised once and/or recovered my detachment quickly, and went on just giving H and me 'space' to just be.
A few weeks ago he kissed the top of my head...I just carried on doing what I was doing...which happened to be cleaning up dog wee! But there was another time a few weeks ago, my son went on a drunken night out and I got worried for his safety...I did see my H that weekend, I exchanged a few texts, all about son, nothing personal related to us. But the next day my H was speaking to me with slightly less rigidity and I asked for a hug. Well yes I felt like a failure...and I got a 2x4 from my daughter. So never to be repeated again! I simply went back to no contact and moved on as if nothing had occurred...again I have the luxury of being a few thousand miles from him and the need to text just doesn't happen.
My worst times come when he comes back to the country to see the children (all grown adults now, but still with the hearts of children). But even now I find myself just going about my business...if we bump into each other so be it. It just so happens that this weekend, I was out when he came to pick them up. I have the feeling he's not as detached from me as he would like me to believe...but then again...so what!
The way I am viewing my situation...it's his loss...and I'm actually happy in my life, with my children, friends, family. So in answer...I don't have to deal with 'slipping' because my H just doesn't contact me...and I'm no longer 'wishing' he would.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Every one has their own view of detaching. That's because the experience of it is a body state.
Unlike love which is a choice, detaching has two elements the physical and the emotional.
Detaching physically is easier for some, it's GAL, LRT, NC and no ML. Physical detachment can lead to emotional detachment. This is more or less the same if your other half is wayward or walkaway.
I describe emotional detachment from a wayward as being a water skier following a crazy speed boat, your emotions are tied to a mad driver who is going fast slow and in any direction. In this place you can be a lighthouse, observer with the light on and the path home smonth.
Emotional detachment with a walkaway is to move to a place where you can observe the effect of what you do. You are improving you and some things improve you. Observing yourself is vital, it gives you the terrain. In those circumstances I think a technique called positioning is helpful. In this technique you are you (position 1) and your walkaway (position 2), to consider the walkaway and to understand their state you move to position 2 to observe yourself in their eyes. Do not do this with a wayward, it's very disturbing and could make you ill. Then you can move to position 3, the neutral observer position who observes you in position 1 and the walkaway or wayward in position 2. That is my detachment technique and it is an NLP technique. Using the observer position you can become neutral about an outcome and do the things that work for you. Fine if you R, fine if you don't.
Sandi list are actions not states, although they are the changes you make and then observe what works for you. You put your interests first and observe how you becoming someone only a fool would leave is having an effect. The observer technique (3rd position) works great with 180, is the 180 change working? You know if you observe.
There is also a fourth position, the fly on the wall watching the observer by the door. You can move to fifth position to detach further, that is the spider watching the fly watching the observer watching you and your other half interact.
So in practice how does this work?
Imagine you and your S having an R talk. You have your emotions in position 1, sitting on the sofa worrying about whether the use of her phone is an A. Your S in position 2 is watching you and starts being yuk. You can imagine you are your S and feel their feelings and look at yourself through their eyes. That's position 2 (don't do this if S is wayward). Instead pretend you are an acquaintance standing in the doorway looking at the interaction between you on the couch and your S holding the phone. In position 3 the observer position you can feedback to yourself in position 1. To detatch further pretend you are a cameraman filming the observer watching and note the observers reaction and feed that back.
In my example, you are wrapped up your feelings about the phone, then you can feel how your S the phone. The observer watches the two of you and tells you that interaction wasn't effective for you as your S is getting more protective of their phone and is very very annoyed and that reaction upset you even more. The observer says "stop this interaction, it isn't working". In this way you have detached from your feelings by observing.
It seems harder than it is. To start with I used two chairs and a doorway, I physically moved from my chair to S chair then to the doorway. Today I can do it in my head during any interchange. It moves me to observer and then allows feedback on my own actions. I also use this to rehearse difficult scenarios and detach.
There are times you don't want to detach, that's mindfulness and meditation, like making love, hugging your child, grieving or eating delicious ice cream.
That is how I detach.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
