Hi. Would like to open a new thread for people to recommend books on communication techniques that helped them the most. I am a wife who walked away, although it was not sudden or surprising. I am thinking of giving my marriage one last chance, but some things need to be resolved and talked about before I can move on to R. However, I find myself in this limbo of not knowing how to do that. Me and my husband are both conflict avoidance people and keep deep hurt all bottled up. He is a lot more so than I am. In the past when I tried to address some issues he would completely Stonewall and shutdown. In the end there was no point of even bringing it up anymore. I felt like a crazy person talking to myself. Now he mentioned that he wants to improve our communication, so it gives me hope that he has grown as a person. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on communicating, but how do you communicate with a person who shuts down? I do believe he will do that again and I will just throw in the towel in frustration. Is there a book that talks about how to draw people like my husband out and keep them talking?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
WIndy is your husband open to MC? I am not a huge advocate of MC but I do think the one area it can help the most is in communication. If he isn't open to MC what about IC for himself? I am not sure you will ever breakthrough his stonewalling and shutting down on your own.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Element. My very first post, but I thought I needed to chime in on this thread. Although, I am not your wife and every situation is unique, I wanted to maybe shine some light on your wife's perspective, for our situations are VERY similar. I am too a stay at home mom with an autistic kid who is in the middle of moving out, sort of. Majority of women, and especially stay at home moms of special needs kids, would never walk out of a 14-20 year old marriage for frivolous reasons, unless they are frivolous women. But those women usually reveal themselves relatively quickly in the marriage. If I have to guess from reading your posts, your wife is not one of them. I don't know what happened in your marriage, but I know what happened in mine and they are very serious reasons to walk out. When you hit middle age, you start to think - is this the person who has my back when I am old and sick, is this my PARTNER or is this the person who only cares for me when I am fulfilling HIS needs? You might get defensive and say - "She is the one using me!" and from where you stand it might appear so. I can tell you why I gave up on my marriage - hopelessness. Hopelessness that the changes that I need to see in my husband to make me happy as a woman and make me swoon with desire can happen. Because for most married women, desire starts outside of the bedroom. I have to respect you as a man, whatever the criteria it maybe for each individual woman. I lost hope that my husband has the character and strength to make permanent changes in himself. I have convinced myself that based on his actions in the past I am not important to him enough for him to jump through the hoops. I have told him and told him and told him and told him and on and on and on. He would change for a bit, but it would ALWAYS go back to where it started. And it seems to be the running theme here, men don't really listen and take their wives seriously. Like a boss who nods in agreement when you ask for a raise every year, but then nothing happens and years go by. You then loose hope that you are a valued employee and is forced to find another job or quit even though you love your job. I believe that if you really dig deep into your past you will probably remember what your wife "bugged and nagged" you about on the consistent basis. You probably acted as if those things were optional but she was telling you exactly what you need to do that makes her see you as a male PARTNER. I don't know your wife, she might "like her cake and eat it too" like you said, but I am living in my husband's house and from aside it looks like I am eating the cake. Family and no intimacy. But I am here not for myself or to torture my husband. When you have kids and you are divorcing you want to make it as painless as possible for them, especially kids on the spectrum. The routine is everything to them. If I had no kids, I would be LONG gone. Money, no money. House, no house. I could sleep in my car if I had to. When you have kids your priority is with them. If I have to guess, my sentiments are similar to your wife's. Having a huge gap in your resume does not help either. It is hard to find a job that pays enough to support me and my kids. I am struggling. Your wife is probably too. See, you BOTH had family, you BOTH contributed a lot, but when it did not work out it is not you who does not have anything to show for it. It is your wife. Just imagine yourself in that position. How hopeless she must have felt with this marriage to initiate her own self destruction? It is not an impulse. Oh, no. She has been feeling like this is her only option left to shake you up. Like I said, every situation is unique, but it sounds like she is hanging on to the marriage. If everything you say is true, I would assume she is still waiting like me, otherwise she would file a long time ago. Something you are doing or not doing that has yet to convince her that you are the man she wants to grow old with. I only know what my husband needs to do, but every woman has a different love language, like you said. I would probably assume that communication has not been your marriage's strongest point like many, so if I have to give you any point here I would start with improving your interpersonal communication skills. Men seem to struggle in this department. They either passively agree to everything wife says to avoid a conflict and to appear supportive or they stonewall or get defensive and accusatory. Neither approach helps the bedroom situation. One comes off as weak and passive another as an [censored]. There are tons of books on the subject to help there. One thing to add though, that we women are sexual beings with sexual needs. Your wife's OM - Married, unavailable (purely for sex kind of thing) - a booty call maybe? Men do it all the time - AshleyMadison.com and such. I know I would gladly jump my husband's bones any day just for sex, but then it would totally screw him up if I decided to finally leave. I don't want him to suffer more than he has already. Of course, I am speaking purely from my own perspective. You have to find out your truth with your wife.
Originally Posted By: WindyC
Hi Steve. I just thought I would try to explain at least some of it. I think people, both men and women, tend to not put their best foot forward when they don't fear losing something. Marriages get too comfortable. You know? We are all guilty of that. If your boss mentioned as he passed by your desk, Hey don't be late next time please ok? and it happened 20 times in a month, would you be surprised if he fired you? You would not expect him to sit you down and explain you "officially" that he does not like you being late. Same in the our interpersonal relationships. Your friends don't sit you down and tell you exactly how they want to be treated by you, you just learn by observation and by listening to them - by being a good friend. If your friend is flaky and ignores your "hints" that you don't appreciate it, sooner or later you will drop that friend. Marriages are no different. When both men and women do not prioritize their partners wishes - marriages break down. Please, don't think that I think only men are guilty of that. I had to reevaluate my own past behavior as well. I am a better person for it. 14 year resume gap is petrifying. She is probably very anxious to even start looking because of it. Why don't you offer her help? Hire an interview coach, network for her. Have her back when she needs you without her asking for it? Take the lead. Trust me, if my husband would even try doing it for me, the sparks would be flying.
And I have not filed because, if I do it before I find a sustainable job - my husband would have to pay alimony and kids support. It would take 40% of his pay and he would struggle financially, because he is reckless financially, has debt and just swings his credit card anytime he wants something. So, like I said, I do want to move on but I don't want to put sticks in his wheels while doing it. I want to live independent of him. I don't want his money. I don't really want to go into details about my marriage and take your thread over. Let's just say - he does not deserve to eat his cake either.
I just wanted to say hi and I read your response on Steve's(?) thread I think...my husband is exactly the same as yours.
We have now separated, It saved my sanity...BUT...if you can heal your marriage from within, I would recommend that above separating at all costs.
I think MC and IC would be a great start for BOTH of you. I got myself into IC and it was a godsend...I wish I'd done it sooner.
If your husband says he wants to communicate better, then that's the start right there. I can say with experience, the pain and loneliness of being with someone who shuts you down, withholds and turns away from problems is exhausting and soul destroying.
I wish you well. Obviously I can't recommend books to you...but just go onto amazon and theres reams of them on there. See if you can cherry pick the best. I'm a great advocator of enlightening yourself, growing and self help...and counselling.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Hi. Would like to open a new thread for people to recommend books on communication techniques that helped them the most.
Windy, I highly recommend "The Five Love Languages", it delves deeply into how people tend to close themselves off and "wait" for their spouse to come to them and fill their needs rather than trying to be proactive and fill their partner's needs first. Often when we fill our partner's "love tank" then they in turn WANT to fill ours without being prodded about it.
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I am a wife who walked away, although it was not sudden or surprising. I am thinking of giving my marriage one last chance, but some things need to be resolved and talked about before I can move on to R.
Please check into Retrouvaille, it is tailored exactly for couples like you two. It is basically a weekend-long workshop that teaches you communication skills. The teachers are all couples that have overcome incredible obstacles and stayed together, and all went through the program themselves and saved their marriages. In my case it didn't save my M because my XW was too far checked out, but if you are serious about giving your M one last go then I think you'll find Retrou extremely helpful.
The program is hosted by the Catholic Church, but you don't have to be Catholic (I'm not) or even religious. There is some praying as part of it but religion is definitely not the focus of it. Don't expect to find out too much about it online, they are intentionally secretive about it as they want you to go in with an open mind and not develop any preconceived notions about it.
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Is there a book that talks about how to draw people like my husband out and keep them talking?
The challenge is you can't really make him communicate. But believe me, Retrouvaille will. It will really open his eyes.
