I’m new doing this and im doing it because I guess im at the end of the rope.
I discovered my wife’s affair on September 2017. Discovered messages from Facebook and she went few times to hang out with friends and she didn’t come to sleep. Coming next day absolutely wasted. She denies an affair. She denies that she has ever cheated; however, she has all the signs (ambivalence, emotional distance, lack of intimacy, change of habits and no empathy) we have a 5 year old child and after the discovery/ confrontation things have been very rough. During my time of suspicion I went ballistic for months, unable to figure out what was wrong with her. We resorted to a lot of insulting and stonewalling each other until I finally found evidence that she was in contact with an ex boyfriend. She denies everything and called me a crazy paranoid. I confronted her about not coming to sleep and she insisted that it doesn’t mean she’s sleeping around and she’s just friends with the guy. (Bullshit) besides numerous different excuses. I suffer from ptsd and she’s using my condition as a justification but she still denies an affair and all this ordeal landed me on therapy (emdr) and now couples therapy. The psychologist insists that I must work on myself and the marriage because of the kid. My wife is telling the psychologist that she wants to save the marriage but she keeps on the same limbo (what confirms she’s still on the affair) and I want out. My wife refuses to separate or divorce and she insist that she will fight for the marriage and that I’m not going anywhere. I just want to leave because I’m sick of the ping pong game she’s playing here. My family doesn’t support me because they’re religious and they insist that I must work on the marriage for the child. She keeps giving me guilt trips because I want to leave but she keeps saying that she will look for her personal help when she feels ready. What is bullshit in my opinion because I see it just as gaining time to continue her affair. I’m in total misery. I can’t trust her or no one. I have become way more bitter and resentful. The psychologist insist that it takes time and I feel like a complete cuck trying to save this. I feel like a total idiot waiting for her while she’s living her new love story and the worse is that the psychologist keeps saying that I can’t make a radical decision right now because I’m under a lot of emotional turmoil and I need to try first. I been reading a lot of books and now I think I would like to save the marriage but her ambivalence and her lies just makes me want out. I don’t believe she wants to save the marriage I think she just wants to save herself and I’m stuck because I don’t want to screw my child’s life. He’s affected by all this and he’s doing bad at kindergarten. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I’m going crazy. I have lost a lot of weight because I can’t eat or sleep properly. I’m on medication because of my ptsd and now I have even more triggers than before. This is a nightmare. I’m alone, I don’t have a support system and my family is far away on a different country. I don’t have friends or anyone that supports me and calling my family for support is basically to get told the same as the psychologist that I must try. I’m so angry and sad that I don’t do anything more than work and listen to music to forget about my life. The routine is killing me and I guess I’m on a downward spiral where I’m going to end dead. I would appreciate the advice because I’m lost.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
The psychologist insists that I must work on myself and the marriage because of the kid. My wife is telling the psychologist that she wants to save the marriage.... and I want out. My wife refuses to separate or divorce and she insist that she will fight for the marriage and that I’m not going anywhere. The psychologist insist that it takes time and I feel like a complete cuck trying to save this.....the psychologist keeps saying that I can’t make a radical decision right now because I’m under a lot of emotional turmoil and I need to try first..... family for support is basically to get told the same as the psychologist that I must try.
First off, if you want to save your marriage, you've come to the right place. I think the community is a bit overwhelmed, and doesn't really know how to respond. I know I didn't respond at first, because I was hoping someone with better advice than I would step in. There's a lot in your post, and I've tried to parse it down to the points I want to talk about. Also, I know you're really stressed, but paragraphs and formatting will make your story to read, and elicit more help. Information like how long you've dated, how long married, how old your child is, etc will make any advice given more tailored to your situation. Get involved in other people's threads. It will make it more likely people will get involved in yours.
In no particular order:
You say your wife doesn't want a divorce a few times. That puts you light years ahead of most of us on this forum. Most of our spouses are out the door already, and yours still wants to be married to you. That's great! Don't push her out the door.
You mention ptsd. Are you getting help for that? You need to. Your poor mental health and emotional turmoil is a recurring theme in your post, and fatal to a marriage. Your wife, family, and therapist... all the people closest to you and who know you best... are all telling you to get help and work on your marriage. Whether you listen or ignore their advice is up to you, but frankly, you're throwing away your marriage if you don't.
My W was depressed. In order to help, I bought Depression for Dummies. There was a chapter about Marriage and Depression that mentioned if one of you is depressed, your marriage is in real trouble. Either the healthy spouse gets fed up and leaves, or the depressed spouse doesn't feel like they are getting the support they need, gets frustrated, and leaves. You sound like the latter.
I can see how she would have an affair under these conditions, but I can also see how you would see an affair that doesn't really exist. I don't really know what's going on, but if you get help, and become again the husband she wants and needs, the affair will stop. Marriages can heal from infidelity, but it takes work from both parties.
You are all over the place. At least twice you mention wanting to save the marriage, and at least twice you mention wanting to leave. Which is it? I assume you want to save it, or you wouldn't be here. But I will tell you that in my situation, talking about leaving made my wife less secure in my marriage, scared her, made her not want to put effort into the marriage, and pushed her farther way.
If you haven't, buy and read Divorce Busting. It won't all be applicable to your situation, but there will be a lot of help in its pages.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Alright, I get that you are in turmoil right now. I tried to organize your post into thought trends to make it easier for me to respond to. I did strike out some text that was relavent to the trending thought (a ping pong thing if you would)...
Originally Posted By: 3yearsf
I discovered my wife’s affair on September 2017. Discovered messages from Facebook and she went few times to hang out with friends and she didn’t come to sleep. Coming next day absolutely wasted. She denies an affair. She denies that she has ever cheated; however, she has all the signs (ambivalence, emotional distance, lack of intimacy, change of habits and no empathy) we have a 5 year old child and after the discovery/ confrontation things have been very rough. During my time of suspicion I went ballistic for months, unable to figure out what was wrong with her. We resorted to a lot of insulting and stonewalling each other until I finally found evidence that she was in contact with an ex boyfriend. She denies everything and called me a crazy paranoid. I confronted her about not coming to sleep and she insisted that it doesn’t mean she’s sleeping around and she’s just friends with the guy. (Bullshit) besides numerous different excuses.
Originally Posted By: 3yearsf
My wife is telling the psychologist that she wants to save the marriage but she keeps on the same limbo (what confirms she’s still on the affair) and I want out.
What evidence do you have that its an affair? Do the facebook posts have them talking like a couple? Elaborate on what the evidence is. The not sleeping at home may have other explanations, but i may be reaching there.
Although the hanging out with an Ex is not appropriate, it may not be an affair (A), at least not a physical one especially if its within a group. She may be sleeping at a Girlfriend's house for instance. The bad news is that even if it isn't physical, its still not good for your marriage (it could be an Emotional Affair, EA, for instance) for her to be hanging out with other guys especially if its only them together.
Read the boundary link in Cadet's thread. I think you need to set a boundary on her going out and staying out all night. Who watches the kiddo when she goes out like this? Her going out drinking isn't the behavior for a mother of a young child. If she wants to keep the marriage together, she needs to stop that at the very least.
Originally Posted By: 3yearsf
all this ordeal landed me on therapy (emdr) and now couples therapy. The psychologist insists that I must work on myself and the marriage because of the kid. My wife is telling the psychologist that she wants to save the marriage but she keeps on the same limbo (what confirms she’s still on the affair) and I want out. My wife refuses to separate or divorce and she insist that she will fight for the marriage and that I’m not going anywhere. I just want to leave because I’m sick of the ping pong game she’s playing here. My family doesn’t support me because they’re religious and they insist that I must work on the marriage for the child. She keeps giving me guilt trips because I want to leave but she keeps saying that she will look for her personal help when she feels ready.
It sounds (at least on the surface) that your W and your family are behind you in saving the M. As Jim points out, if your W is for the marriage then you are worlds ahead of most on this site. This is a good thing. You have a kindergarten age child so all the more reason to work for the M.
Originally Posted By: 3yearsf
I been reading a lot of books and now I think I would like to save the marriage
And it also sounds like you want to save the M, so go for it!
Originally Posted By: 3yearsf
She keeps giving me guilt trips because I want to leave but she keeps saying that she will look for her personal help when she feels ready. What is bullshit in my opinion because I see it just as gaining time to continue her affair.
Its only my opinion, but perhaps she is going out drinking because she has some issues with what the PTSD (or maybe other issues?) is/are doing to you and she can't cope right now and is turning to going out with others to get away from it. It appears she also knows she has issues. Perhaps she thinks they may dissipate after you fix your problem. Again, keep working on you and then worry about this later. The heavy drinking tells me that she is trying to escape from something, but how far its gotten to going to someone else (an affair) i can't tell from what you have posted. Again, elaborate on what evidence you have that she is having an affair.
Originally Posted By: 3yearsf
I suffer from ptsd and she’s using my condition as a justification
justification for what? Your behavior?
Originally Posted By: Jim1234
You mention ptsd. Are you getting help for that? You need to. Your poor mental health and emotional turmoil is a recurring theme in your post, and fatal to a marriage. Your wife, family, and therapist... all the people closest to you and who know you best... are all telling you to get help and work on your marriage. Whether you listen or ignore their advice is up to you, but frankly, you're throwing away your marriage if you don't.
I agree that you need to address this ASAP.
Originally Posted By: 3yearsf
I’m in total misery. I can’t trust her or no one. I have become way more bitter and resentful. The psychologist insist that it takes time and I feel like a complete cuck trying to save this. I feel like a total idiot waiting for her while she’s living her new love story and the worse is that the psychologist keeps saying that I can’t make a radical decision right now because I’m under a lot of emotional turmoil and I need to try first.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I’m going crazy. I have lost a lot of weight because I can’t eat or sleep properly. I’m on medication because of my ptsd and now I have even more triggers than before. This is a nightmare. I’m alone, I don’t have a support system and my family is far away on a different country. I don’t have friends or anyone that supports me and calling my family for support is basically to get told the same as the psychologist that I must try. I’m so angry and sad that I don’t do anything more than work and listen to music to forget about my life. The routine is killing me and I guess I’m on a downward spiral where I’m going to end dead. I would appreciate the advice because I’m lost.
First thing, work on you! As Jim points out, most of the people here have had the other person check out and are trying to fix the marriage from their side only. As most on the board will attest to, a good working M (once fixed that is) takes two people. You need to get yourself in shape where you can be one of the people in the M. You think your W has checked out, but in the end it really doesn't matter. You need to work on yourself first. You are getting help for the PTSD, thats a good first step. You are reading some self help books, thats a good second step. Keep it up.
BTW, thanks for your service.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
This is a nightmare. I’m alone, I don’t have a support system and my family is far away on a different country. I don’t have friends or anyone that supports me and calling my family for support is basically to get told the same as the psychologist that I must try. I’m so angry and sad that I don’t do anything more than work and listen to music to forget about my life. The routine is killing me and I guess I’m on a downward spiral where I’m going to end dead. I would appreciate the advice because I’m lost.
One other thing. You aren't alone. This may seem overwhelming, but you will get through it.
Have a look around at other people's thread and you'll see everyone here is going through some issues that may be similar to your. Just yesterday, i found some answers i was looking for in someone else's thread. It wasn't posted in the context of what i was going through, but it help me tremendously. I wish i had found this site when i was trying to save my marriage during marriage counseling (MC). My sitch ended in a divorce, but may have ended differently had i listened more intently to what was going on at that time (both in the M and what was going on on this site).
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
I do really appreciate all the advice. I know this place if full of wise advice. I’m going to therapy for my ptsd. I’m doing counseling and I’m medicated.
The evidence is conversations with an ex boyfriend. Nothing suggestive but one we have been fine and she started going out every 2 weeks. 4 times she left saying that she would come early and didn’t come to sleep and came back next day at noon super wasted. One of those times she even sent a message telling me that she was staying at a males friends and they were just friends and she even sent me the address and phone of the guy if I wanted to check what in my opinion was utterly offensive.
I also have seen a change on her behavior. I found a pregnancy test the other day and we barely have sex and she’s on the pill. She always gives all sorts of excuses and never owns it. She denies an affair and I guess she won’t confess what makes impossible for me to trust her again.
I have started to get a life and detach from her because I been so angry and depressed for so long that reading, working out and taking care of myself is helping me to go through and yes I would like to save the marriage but how I can shake off my resentment? I don’t believe a word coming out of her mouth. She’s been very depressed and anxious and today she asked me why I don’t say I love you back to her and I just said that I’m taking things one day at the time. But the truth is that the lack of trust and all my emotions I’m feeling stupid. We have couples counseling next week and will see how it goes. I’m just tired of all this ordeal.
And having an affair because I have ptsd or justify an affair because ptsd is hard to handle, in my opinion is very low. If she can’t handle it, sincerity would have been the right thing to do and I would have understood because is not easy to deal with it. But going and cheat and sleep at a guys house and lie and not recognizing it is just low.
And every time she has gone out she has left me Ali with the kid. She has said she will be home early and she shows up next day.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Just a question - how sure are you about the affair? I mean, do you have messages that absolutely confirm it, or are you just making assumptions based on her staying out and being in contact with him?
Don't get me wrong - I suspect you are probably right. But it also might be remotely possible that she is just seeking to escape the pressure cooker that is being at home with you and your issues (not saying it's right, just saying if you have PTSD and anger issues it could be difficult).
Does she have any history of alcoholism in her family? Do you suspect she might have a drinking problem?
And, although snooping is generally frowned on (because some things you don't ant to know if you're going to repair the marriage), in this case, if you really think she's gaslighting you, perhaps it would be beneficial to get hard proof of an affair? Because if she's NOT having an affair, your suspicion is ruining the marriage. If she definitely IS, then at least you don't have to wonder any more and be subject to the gaslighting. Sometimes a PI, or even a keylogger program on the family computer, can answer the question for you.
I also would like to point that I don’t blame her for all the marriage issues. I own my part and I’m doing my work on growing up from this. I do want to become a better person. I wasn’t like I am nowadays. I’m a complete loner and I have a lot of trouble socializing. I don’t feel comfortable on bars (I don’t drink) neither on closed spaces or crowds. I been working on my ptsd doing emdr therapy and things are improving a lot. I’m able to sleep now what has reduced my bitterness and mood swings. I guess most of my problem with the situation is the fact that she doesn’t recognize her fault. She has said that I pushed her away and she craved to feel wanted but she’s insist that she is not having an affair. We have become more distant. I was trying to be nicer but just to get even more frustrated to see that she has a better relationship with her phone than she does with me. And she says she’s working on the marriage but she’s adamant to go to IC. I know I have lots of work to do on myself but her ambivalence just makes me doubt that things are going to work
But it also might be remotely possible that she is just seeking to escape the pressure cooker that is being at home with you and your issues (not saying it's right, just saying if you have PTSD and anger issues it could be difficult).
In my opinion, i think that this is what is happening with her. Don't get me wrong, if she is out with guy friends, that is inappropriate even if nothing is going on. This would violate the part of the vows "forsaking all others..."
Originally Posted By: 3yearsf
I been working on my ptsd doing emdr therapy and things are improving a lot. I’m able to sleep now what has reduced my bitterness and mood swings.
This sounds like good progress for you. Keep working on you, that the only thing you can change right now. You'll keep hearing on here "be the man she would be a fool to leave".
Originally Posted By: 3yearsf
I guess most of my problem with the situation is the fact that she doesn’t recognize her fault. She has said that I pushed her away and she craved to feel wanted but she’s insist that she is not having an affair. We have become more distant. I was trying to be nicer but just to get even more frustrated to see that she has a better relationship with her phone than she does with me.
It appears you also think you've driven her away. It may take some time for her to realize she doesn't have to avoid you any more before she would consider turning back towards you. It doesn't happen overnight.
Originally Posted By: 3yearsf
I’m a complete loner and I have a lot of trouble socializing. I don’t feel comfortable on bars (I don’t drink) neither on closed spaces or crowds.
Have you always been like this or is this because of your PTSD?
Do you know these people as well? It would be good if you could surprise her by getting a sitter and going out with her. Perhaps you could better gauge what is going on that way?
Originally Posted By: 3yearsf
I know I have lots of work to do on myself but her ambivalence just makes me doubt that things are going to work
Again, don't worry about her, just work on yourself. Try to detach from her and for goodness sake, stop bringing up an A unless you have something solid to base it on. If you go the snooping route and are certain, then you can bring it up. There are plenty of people on this forum who got past an A as well, so in the end it may not matter. IMO, The conditions appear good for something to happen though. If your gut tells you something is up, it most likely is, but you shouldn't voice that.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
