I haven't posted in a very long time even though I have continued to read. A few things about your thread made me decide to post today.
I can't say that I agree with everything the others have said about your situation. Although there are some things that could possibly be true.
I don't have fear that your H has weapons. He is a hunter. It is an activity that he enjoys and it comes with the territory.
On that note, while it isn't easy to slaughter and butcher your own meat, it is very doable and not as messy as one would expect. You just need to have a place to hang and bleed the deer first. The rest takes practice in order to make it pretty and not waste the meat. We do it here at home. This year was a pretty crappy year for hunting though...No deer in our house...sigh...
You really need to read DB/DR as soon as you get it. This is not a magic bullet and there are no guarantees that it will save your marriage, however, it gives you your best shot at getting through this with the tools needed to have a healthy relationship.
Too often we get stuck in ruts. We become comfortable. We make assumptions because we are married/committed that we will always be married/committed and there will always be time to fix whatever needs to be fixed.
It sounds to me that is probably at least part of what happened in your case.
You mentioned that physical touch is very important to your H. In the early part of your relationship you met his need for physical touch, but that went away over time. Is that because it was something that you were doing because he needed it or because it was something that is part of your nature?
I ask because I too have experienced this to a degree. For me, physical touch is part of my nature so I had to explore why it slowed down for me before I was truly able to begin to try to make changes. I think for a lot of women, we get busy with life and it becomes just something else on the "to do" list, however it is something that is too important to be allowed to remain there.
I commend you for looking inward and really examining your H's complaints and making attempts to change what he has complained about. That is part of DB 101. Do something different...
I will caution you though that it is possible to do too much. You can't twist yourself into a pretzel to try to please your H just to remain married. It isn't fair, it isn't reasonable, and it isn't going to work.
Changes, while they can be in relation to complaints that you deem valid, also need to be real for YOU, so that they can become internalized and become part of you. Or they won't last and you will go back to the way you were, which is why too much won't work.
What I would suggest to you, is to slow down and breathe...
This did not happen overnight and you aren't going to fix it overnight either.
If your H asks what you are doing and you are comfortable telling him, then tell him. If you don't want to tell him, then don't. I know that sounds really simplistic and a little crappy, but it really is the answer.
You don't know why he is asking. He may simply be curious. He may be fearful that you are planning to file or having an affair. He may be attempting to be controlling. Who knows... You aren't a mind reader but you are an adult.
You mentioned that you like to knit and that it calms your nerves. What do you make? I crochet when I can find the time so I understand what you mean.
One other question and I will end this increadibly long and spotty post...
You mentioned that your H asked for MC a few years ago. What was going on then in your R?
Cat
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I was so wrong to tell my husband he couldn't have a deer head trophy in the house and couldn't butcher a deer here. I wasn't being a supportive wife but a controlling Bwitch. Why did I do that? I love my husband and I really want him to be himself and be happy.
As for physical touch. Its not my love language but I loved touching my husband but again its a matter of getting comfortable, complacent and the drama of his ex and kids, etc.
My love language is words of appreciation. I tried to tell my husband I needed to hear ILU's but he would state "I show you that I do by my actions". I got flustered he would with hold what I needed. He would complain that he would say it and I would do something hurtful and he would regret saying it???
He has come to me over the weeks and stated he wasn't getting his needs met from me so he has nothing to fill my needs with - such a vicious cycle but I understood what he meant.
I want to be the woman he married - I met his needs and left him feeling fulfilled. That's who I am. I just want to get back to her. I miss her.
I've been touching him as much as he will allow. He sometimes recoils from my touch and that stings. Sometimes he will let me rub his back but its like it doesn't do anything for him anymore. He hasn't reciprocated in weeks. He hasn't touched me, hugged me, rubbed my shoulders in weeks and I just ache for it.
I realize I have been doing to much and its probably making his head spin which is why I wanted to go out alone on Sunday but then he was checking up on me?
He left for work last night and said goodbye. No texts. No calls. I don't see him again until tonight for 20min when I've made dinner for him. He is distant. He actually leaves for work earlier than he needs to but sits in our driveway for 15min on his phone - texting/gaming? He wasn't talking on it.
My husband asked once to go MC years ago. There was a lot of drama with his ex and his kids being with held. We tended to shout more at each other at that time with disagreements. I was probably a little inflexible about something and closed off. I wouldn't talk about my day (I was in a difficult situation with a drug addicted employer). My husband said we needed counseling and I didn't take him seriously and he even said maybe I needed counseling - that I needed to talk to someone. UGH... he never mentioned it again. I didn't realize he was serious. I thought he was just frustrated.
I'd wish we had gone then and I think he does too. Now, he doesn't care and doesn't want to go.
I knit anything and everything - hats, scarves, blankets, sweaters... its my therapy!!! However, its hard to do. Its painful to think my husband feels that I chose to sit and knit rather than hold his hand.
I want to save my marriage but I get from lots of people that I'm just in denial. I've been reading and so far everything I read says separation is not ideal in saving a marriage but I'm so lost right now.
While separation may not be ideal, sometimes time and space is a good thing...
So basically, neither of you was meeting the needs of the other. Possibly just a breakdown, possibly passive aggressive behaviors... only you know...
You mentioned that your were controlling, at least in regards to the deer thing. I don't want a deer trophy in my house either but it is something that could probably be negotiated if it was really important to my partner.
Were there other ways you feel you were controlling or that he complains that you were?
It sounds like you were making slow progress and he told you it would be slow. However, you didn't hear what he was saying and pushed harder than he was ready for.
One of the things that we need to always keep in mind is that the spouse who wants to leave can sense what is real and what is being done as an attempt to make it better.
True change happens over time and is long lasting. That is why this is always a marathon and not a sprint.
I want you to try to stop the spinning that you are doing. For today, try to stop worrying about the marriage and what he is doing, thinking, feeling, and focus on you a bit. Do something for yourself that makes you feel good and allows you to reconnect with who you are.
Light some candles and take a bath, sit and knit something while he is at work, if the weather is nice take a walk... anything that will feed your soul.
And if you start thinking about the situation, put up a stop sign in your mind and intentionally focus on something else.
Do that and see how you feel. And after you are able to do that for one day, shoot for two...
Something about you attracted your H all those years ago. It wasn't this person you are now. What can you do to find her again?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Today was not a good day. He has been cold and distant the last 2 days and we ended up in a conversation about R. Not good.
In leaning on his friends he thinks I am being fake. I am buttering him for something or I am allowing him to remain trapped by getting him a motorcycle so that he can't leave.
He said his defenses are WAY up. That he doesn't think its real. That his defenses are up so high that is nothing I can do to penetrate them right now.
Ugh... does that mean forever?
He talks about being alone. He doesn't want to ask my son to move in the last 2yr of high school so he won't even go there. He made one comment about having his own place for 2yr.
He says he is not afraid to be alone but I am. I said I am not and was alone for years when came into my life. Being alone [censored] but I can do it. I told him I don't want to give up on this marriage. I think we can get through this crisis.
I'm all over the place.
I know who I am but I feel so frustrated that he won't even give me a chance to work through this crisis.
Today was not a good day. He has been cold and distant the last 2 days and we ended up in a conversation about R. Not good.
This is why we say to avoid R talks at this point. They never end up good for the LBS.
You remind me a bit of someone who posted here a long time ago and she spun no matter what anyone said to her for three years before she stopped posting.
You need to slow WAY down. You are only hurting yourself at this point.
Originally Posted By: Kitcat
I know who I am but I feel so frustrated that he won't even give me a chance to work through this crisis.
So who ARE you? Tell me a bit about Kitcat...
Where do you live (not specific if you don't want but general area)? How old are you? What type of work do you do? What are your hobbies?
We can talk about the other stuff later...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Today was not a good day. He has been cold and distant the last 2 days and we ended up in a conversation about R. Not good.
In leaning on his friends he thinks I am being fake. I am buttering him for something or I am allowing him to remain trapped by getting him a motorcycle so that he can't leave.
KitCat, this is why you must make the changes for you--PLEASE GET THIS...
like others have said, this is not going to change over night... your changes have to be real... you need to give it time, and you need to GAL so your changes become a part of you... the motorcycle thing was quite obvious... it could only come across as your trying to hold on to him... the thing is, just because he buys a motorcycle with your permission does not mean he is going to stay with you...
from what you say, you will be living together until he finally moves out... at that point, maybe you can start working on yourself... however, i think it is crucial that you start NOW... even while he is still living there... have you read the book? you do not seem to be putting basic DBing into practice... too many R talks... too much pursuit... you are not allowing him space... in all fairness, neither is he allowing you space... BOTH OF YOU ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE...
your mind set needs to be that you will be fine no matter what... you need to take your eyes off of him... work on YOU!!! like i said before, "live your life to the hilt!" and leave him alone... because you are too busy living your life to the hilt!
He is so frustrated with me. And, I know he does not want to discuss anything.
Today though was the first day he said that he had no plans on filing. I didn't know that.
He wants to get out and be alone. He wants his own place. Interestingly enough he did say 1)you wouldn't see your neighbors if the house was placed right - that is something I told him some time ago that I wanted in a home. I live in a subdivision but my piece of land is the best! You don't look out your window and see your neighbors house. I love that!!! So here he is looking at buying property and he remembers this about me???
He wants to be responsible for his own bills.
He said I cannot leave now because my son has two years left of school. If we are still together then I could find a new job and relocate.
He isn't thinking D right now (but he maybe after today... he is so sick and tired of this conversation and how I jump up and make rash decisions means I am not listening.)
I would like to think I could calm down. Still waiting on book to arrive.
I'm in my late forties and live in Midwest. I work full time taking care of animals for 24yr. Its sound lame but I love doing laundry for a family of 5... love it. I love to vacuum. I love keeping my home neat and tidy. I felt its the least I could do for my husband since he drives so much.
It was like my second job. My husband could help out but I would always snap at him. I think because it was like if he had to help I had somehow let him down and wasn't doing my job. But, why would I snap??? I would make him feel bad and I didn't want that. I just wanted to know I was doing a good job for him?
My close friends live 5hr away. I don't have much of a support group here. I don't go out except with my family. I tried joining a meet up group and will be going to something this weekend but it feels so forced and fake. The other stuff - motorcycle, test drive cars, that doesn't feel fake. That stuff feels like me. The real me. The me who used to met my husbands needs.
I tried joining a meet up group and will be going to something this weekend but it feels so forced and fake. The other stuff - motorcycle, test drive cars, that doesn't feel fake. That stuff feels like me. The real me. The me who used to met my husbands needs.
He says it all screams desperation. :-(
i suppose it does feel forced... it is forced... that's okay... get started... get out there... meet people... make connections so that you may have a close support network someday... once you start getting out there, GAL, you will find things that are the real you... new things... it's good to develop new interests...
as for the test drives and motorcycles feeling like the real you--how often do you actually do those activities? you can always continue to go on test drives... but do it for you... not to get your husband interested in you... it does reek of desperation... he will not be fooled... don't announce what you plan to go do, test drive or whatever... just go do it... if he finds out organically, well then, he can draw his own conclusion...
i am sure this is not the case, but the picture you draw gives me the impression that you hang on to everything he says... you wait around for him to speak... you wait until what you think is the right moment to bring up a topic to discuss... while he is away, you replay every moment in your marriage where YOU fell short, which leads you to regret... why, why, why did i act this way???????!!!!!
get busy with you... when you do this, you will not be readily available for R talks...
--artista
p.s.--i absolutely do not find it lame that you enjoyed keeping the house for your family... i love to vacuum... do dishes... fold my husband's tee-shirts...
Rough day at work and I don't have a support group. I'm near tears. Fortunately its warm today so I get home in time to walk the dogs. Its really dark by the time I get home.
I was surprised my husband was up already and given that we talked about R twice today I suspected a distant version of him today. I wasn't proud of myself today. We chatted briefly again about bills. I noticed he wasn't wearing his ring but he did go to the gym earlier and usually takes it off when he lifts weights. I was dumb enough to comment and of course I got the vicious stare down and does it matter? He clearly knows it hurts me.
He then asks where I was. I told him I took the dogs for a walk. I needed to get out and breathe. He asked why. I let him know had awful experience at work and I was biting my lip not to cry in front of my husband. He asked what about but I know he doesn't have experience or understand some of the very hard and dark things I have to do at my job. I've always bottled it up and not let him so I know he has no interest now.
He gets his stuff and leaves.
I'm trying not to call or text but he walked out with his ring in his pocket and not on his finger. It was killing me. I did call about it again - I don't know why. I know the more I ask him to put it on the more he will resist. He tried to play games and state he takes it off sometimes at work but I think he was just trying to get a rise out of me. I believe he only takes it off when he works out and he hadn't put it back on yet.
This guts me because he NEVER takes off his ring except for above. I don't like wearing jewelry so I take everything off at night. I had my fingers swell so bad I've nearly had to have rings cut off before. I would often run off to work NOT wearing my ring. I have been out on dates with my husband NOT wearing my ring. I just don't think about it sometimes. It broke him... he would be so sad I didn't have it on... I'm such a boob.
He noticed three months ago that I've been wearing 100%. I sleep in it. It never comes off. I haven't had issues with my fingers swelling anymore. I don't know if it was hormonal - had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago. I was so sick for years and misdiagnosed but no joke 30min out of surgery my life was so much better. Apparently it was really bad when they opened me up. I don't know, but I noticed it wasn't happening and I just started wearing it all the time. It was before my husband made his announcement.
I look at myself and I love and adore my husband. But, to see all these little things it must have been so awful to be married to me. I mean, yes right now he just sees every little crappy thing and he can't see the bright spots in between at all right now. We did have lots of good times.
I see things from his viewpoint. I get why he is unhappy. He says that even though I'm being different he can't just make himself happy overnight. AND, he sees me as kissing his butt, being desperate and not being real.
I'm dizzy from the merry-go-round. I just want to get off and have my husband back.
So its up and down.
I was good. My H left yesterday and he didn't even say "see you tomorrow". He just left. Its like its just continues to breakdown slowly. For awhile I walked him to the door and hugged him... to he would say "I'm leaving", "see you tomorrow", etc... to yesterday just leaving.
I didn't let it get me down. Just moved forward.
I didn't text at all.
I get up and he responded to my facebook post from 4 days ago? Of course he just said "yes" but why bother after its been sitting there 4 days.
I know it means nothing - just breadcrumbs.
He comes home this morning. Doesn't say anything so I don't initiate and just keep getting ready for work. The only time he says anything to me was to hand me something that I left in the shower. My S16 comes to the door to let me know he is catching the bus and H says hopefully the car will be fixed by today as S16 has been driving to school. He wasn't really speaking to me but to my S?
I continued to get ready for work and he was sitting down in recliner playing games on his phone. As I walked into the room I mentioned did he know that they made a mattress to fit into the Tesla? I said I came across this video and because when we were looking at cars/trucks the other day he was checking out to see their comfort level for sleeping in the back. We have looked at Tesla's twice too over the last year. Anyway I explained the video and asked if he wanted to see.
At that same time he shared some info he got from his Dr's office. I did know they called him yesterday because he went had his labwork done, but since he didn't say anything to me about it I didn't bring it up. He did today and he was very quiet when talking. He just stared working out again for 2 days before the labwork. Its an enzyme from muscle breakdown. He had same issue a year ago when he started working out then too. It eventually came down but took time. He can't go back to the gym until they figure it out. He goes next Monday for another test.
I let him see the video. Normally something like this would have made him laugh or at least make comments... NOTHING. He sat and watched the entire thing and kept watching but he gave no response to me.
I know from speaking to him on Tuesday he doesn't want to talk to me at all right and pretty much said that.
I quit interacting and left for work.
I have plans tonight. Just going to the coffee shop to do some reading and contact a friend. Will I have the guts to do it? He will ask where I'm going. He will make some comment of am I meeting my boyfriend (this irks me... I am not seeing anyone cause the only man I want is him... I've never ever gone down that road.) I don't know how to handle him asking me what I am doing or why I am doing it.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/06/1803:35 AM. Reason: Combine posts
