TLDR: W wanted to separate after 17 years together from 16 years old and 2 children. Was very cold and distant, started staying away in hotels for 3 weeks each night leaving me with the kids. I moved out thinking we were just separating. After guidance on these boards it became apparent that she was in an A. I bugged the house and it all came out, she was having an A with one of the kids dads who she childminded for. They planned the whole thing, he is 14 years older, his second W is pregnant and he has two kids from his first W. I exposed the affair and his W got rid of her house and he moved in with my W and kids. I tried to confront her about the kids being around him and she had me arrested. Since then its been one thing after another. Rest of detail is in part 1.
W seems to be treating the kids a lot better. She's still oversharing with them and emotionally blackmailing them when they don't want to go to the OM new house. My D has said she cries every night she's with my W. When asked why she is now very truthful, she says she hates OM and always will and cries even if he's not there. But she is spending much more quality time with them. Not sure if it's out of guilt or her trying to manipulate them into a false sense of her caring for them, hard to say.
Mediation is still stalled for reasons unknown, got a call with the mediator today to find out whats happening.
W looks like crap every time I see her, which isn't very often and I don't speak to her or acknowledge her presence. For some reason, she's recently taken to walking my kids to my door rather than just dropping them off outside, think she wants me to talk to her like I would have done in the past, but I just don't care enough anymore so I simply turn and close the door. Kids say she cries every night, some nights all night. Tells them she has no friends and no one to talk to other than OM. But I'm done mind reading and worrying about them, just a waste of energy.
As for me, I'm actually doing pretty well! I'm excited for the future and what it holds for me. I have had unbelievable support from friends that I quite frankly never knew I had. Work is improving as I find myself being able to concentrate for longer periods of time and my boss is talking about moving up in the org. I've started taking an interest in other women, even if only in admiring them and actually looking to maybe go a date or two. I still have bad days and sometimes it gets a bit too much, but NC is key for me as well as not asking the kids any questions that give me any kind of insight into her R with the AP. I get it anyway as they offload when they come home, but when they're with me they can be the kids they always were. I can see a life ahead of me that doesn't include being dependant on someone else for my happiness and it feels quite good. I've realised that for a long time my mood was always dependant on hers. If she had a bad day, so did I. Now my mood is completely under my control and it feels good. It's strange, my biggest fear now is that she will come back! My heart wants that of course, but my head says run away as fast as you can.
I can see a life ahead of me that doesn't include being dependant on someone else for my happiness and it feels quite good. I've realised that for a long time my mood was always dependant on hers. If she had a bad day, so did I. Now my mood is completely under my control and it feels good. It's strange, my biggest fear now is that she will come back! My heart wants that of course, but my head says run away as fast as you can.
Liam, this is great progress! Be patient with your heart - like all of our hearts, it can be stupid sometimes and make us want things that are no good for us. Give your heart time.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Well I got a bit of a surprise last night. First a bit of back story, 20 years ago I was seeing a girl, we were teenagers. Anyway, one day a friend and I were walking along a foot path when we saw her walking with my my other mate, she was supposed to be out of town. I confronted them and she promptly left me for him. We were in the same social circles so it made it very awkward. We were young so I wouldn’t say I was in love from memory, but it hurt.
So, fast forward 20 years and she pops up on a dating app as being interested in me. I messaged her to say you do realise who this is don’t you. She said yes, you look the same as I remember you, I was just thinking of you the other day. She went on to say she’s had 4 kids, a fairly long marriage to an abusive bully and her life is completely messed up, says she doesn’t know why everyone else is so happy, and she must have messed up in the past and that she’s changed a lot since we were together.
Well, it took 20 years, but the karma bus was active on her life this whole time. It’s strange as I remember thinking at the time that I could never have done what she did, we were young but I still had morals. I simply said to her, life has a way of rewarding good people.
Maybe it’ll take 20 years for my STBXW to say sorry, but this just reinforces that they’re lives are not going well, and it’s the mentality of the cheater that is wrong, nothing to do with us.
So, things took a bit of a strange turn! I got talking to my ex from 20 years ago as I said above, and initially I was going to leave it at knowing karma came around for her, but we kept on talking via IM. After chatting for a bit she broached the subject of what she did, and well she said it had a big impact on her life, she swore never to treat someone like that ever again and seemed genuinely remorseful and happy that I went on to have a decent life. Then we just kept on talking and haven’t stopped since! Now there is no chance of an R with her, firstly I just wouldn’t do it, once bitten twice shy even with a 20 year gap, and secondly she lives miles away in my hometown and has too many kids, I wouldn’t put that on my children and also I’m not looking for that right now. But, we’re meting up next weekend for something to eat and well I imagine Just a bit of fun from the way we’ve been talking.
Anyhow, these last two days I’ve had no nightmares about the current sitch with my W and her A. I wake up every night soaked through with sweat, it’s my first thought on waking and the last one when I go to sleep. These last two days have been an absolute god send, the distraction of chatting to a women and just having a laugh has been wonderful. Who would have thought that the first person to ever cheat on me would now be making me feel better!! It’s a bizarre situation.
The added bonus is that now I’m going to my hometown another ex has got in touch to meet up too the day before. We stayed friends after we split and it was all good, we’ve always stayed in contact and have no awkwardness, I was there for the birth of her daughter many years ago but moved away a long time ago. Some other friends are meeting up with me too.
What this has done is reminded me that I had a life before my W, and while we were young when we got together, I am still basically the same person, an individual that can be happy by myself!
Hey L, I also New here don't have much guidance but one thing I know every W or H that magically wake up saying ILYBNILWY has met someone weather is emotional or physical they are now in LOVE with the love of there life. The question is do you really need to know if W is having an affair. Sometimes things are better not knowing if you want to work on your marriage.
As far going up to meet an Ex hmmmmm my opinion is you should reconsider I know she tells you she not interested in relationship but that's what they say, do you really wanna bring up old feelings and hurt her in this process or even yourself. If you looking for some fun then do a one night stand but not someone who has had a rough life as she told you. I know that we all LBS want to feel wanted and needed I know but I also have thought about the other person am involving no matter what we are humans with needs but also with emotions. I know I put myself back to the day W said ILYBNILWY I tell myself I never could make someone feel that pain it was to painful. But you know what's best for you to heal. Just take it a day at a time and you will find your peace to your NEW beginning.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Hi Marina, I already know she’s having an affair, it all came out a few months ago. She left me and the kids for him. The full story is back in part 1 of my thread. My kids live with me now and I’ve started D proceedings. I have no interest in saving my marriage, I will always love her, and maybe never love anyone else as much as her, but my co-dependency on her is broken. I’m happier without her. I miss my family very much and the stable family unit for my kids, I was proud of our marriage and our long relationship. But, it’s not until recently that I realised she has emotionally abused me for years, I wouldn’t go back to that for anything!
As for meeting up with my ex from years ago, there’s no emotion there for me, nothing unresolved, I’ve made sure she understands that I’m not looking for a relationship other than perhaps a friendship. But those are wise words you shared, I should definitely consider that she might see more in it. I’ll have to carefully consider where I take it. Perhaps a meal to show her no hard feelings will help her move forward with her life and I leave it there.
Regarding your own situation, not sure how long it’s been for you. I’ve yo-yo’d between absolutely fine and outright devistated. For me the only thing that has worked is NC. This was easy in the beginning as my W had no interest in talking to me, but she has recently started to circle back as her life is completely ruined, she cries every day and all night when she has my kids. I now need to enforce NC, she doesn’t reach out to reconcile but she started breaking our agreements of dropping the kids at the top of the drive and walking them to my door so I have to see her, emails me for trivial things and is stalling mediation. What I couldn’t understand was the GAL concept, but it seems to have happened naturally for me. I didn’t even realise it until my S said “Dad, you know everyone in the village, how have you made so many friends so fast, you never knew anyone”. All my spare time is full to the brim with spending time with friends or hobbies etc. I’ve got a long long way to go, but I feel a great future is ahead of me with or without a relationship.
Thank you for taking the time to respond, much appreciated!
So, I went to meet my ex from 20 years ago last weekend, I had not seen her for all of those 20 years, spoken to her or had any idea of her life. I arrived with no expectations of anything and was just looking forward to having a chat and something to eat.
Initially, it was awkward and I thought this will be over in a couple of drinks. But then it suddenly became easy, really easy! It was actually more awkward being awkward. The night went on and we had a really good time, we weren't even flirting, it was just kind of like everything fit together.
We spoke briefly about the past and I was quite surprised to hear things were not quite how I remembered them, not totally different but things actually made a lot of sense. There was no physical cheating on her part, which I always actually expected anyway as I remember how awkward it was for her at such a young age, I was way more experienced and had always been with much older girls. It wouldn't have bothered me either way as it's in the past, but her explanation was pretty interesting. I guess as teenagers we have a lot going on in our lives at such a pivotal time.
So the night went on and eventually we kissed. I can't actually hardly remember anything about our R when we were kids, it was a very difficult time for me and I guess I just erased my memories of my life then, but I did always remember kissing her.
So we spent the night together and went our separate ways in the morning. I've been with women since my M broke up, and every time it was just awkward without the familiarity and ease of knowing someone. With her, it wasn't familiar at all, we never really had much of a sex life cause we were kids and we only actually slept together once and it was pretty awful really. But, this time it all just fit together, it felt very comfortable even though she is far from my usual type.
We're meeting up again and seeing where it goes, we've discussed where we're both at. We both have huge commitments ourselves and we live miles apart, I have limited free time and have a lot of plans over the next two years, I'm happy where I am and with myself, I don't need anyone else to make me happy. I'm not blind to where she is either, I was her first love, she has never stopped loving me all these years but like me is also finding herself again after coming out of a long troubling R although not as fresh as mine. Its a tough one because you could say we're setting ourselves up to get hurt, but you could also say we're giving each other something that we both need. The distance makes it easy to actually take things very slowly, we both agree our kids come first always and with such distance, there is no chance of the kids being involved with each other which I would never allow anyway. Also, I can't say I don't share a lot of her feelings, I never actually remembered loving her, but it was pretty obvious after spending time with her that I did, and actually still do. We've shared how we feel but both feel it doesn't change anything, we're giving each other something and we're both free to discover what that might be in the years to come.
Situation with STBXW:
So with that out the way, the current sitch with my W. I've held fast to the NC, its working very well, she has shunned mediation again and I gave one last chance, she responded and I need to book in a date for the joint meeting. The kids are struggling more than ever, my 10 yr old D found them in bed together in her room! not good!! The report came back from child services and painted me as an emotional mess from an interview within days of me finding out and starting again with the kids with a few bin bags full of clothes for me and the kids. The narrative seems to say I should just be absolutely fine with everything! It also contains things I never said, which is worrying although doesn't really affect anything. My W has to go on a course as they're concerned she is unable to parent the children. She has lost more friends and is using the kids to emotionally blackmail me into giving her money, the kids are convinced I'm rolling in money and she is broke. They bring it up all the time, if only they knew! I've hidden my money troubles from them to just let them be kids. And while yes I am financially better off, its because I didn't max out credit cards and raid our savings for jolly's with the OM!
Other than that, I pay no attention to whats going on in her life. Especially after returning to my hometown and some old friends coming forward to tell me she was repeatedly unfaithful in our early relationship, which I always suspected anyway, I'll never know the extent of it and I don't want to. I simply said, well that's in the past and it has no bearing on my life anymore. I've written so much that I wanted to say to her in mediation, but now I find myself completely disconnected from it all. I'm still hurting I suppose, but that's to be expected, it's actually more about the loss of the family unit.
On my way back from my hometown on the train, I actually cried even though I was happy. I realized my old life is dead, and a new one is waiting for me with endless possibilities! I'm sad that I wasted so long on a women who her self-admitted she was never good enough for me, she loved me massively, but even after all those years was incapable of being the person I thought she was. I know that she will likely circle back a few times in the future, but I'm not willing to put myself through that again. I met an old guy in a pub who's wife had died from cancer, he said in most relationships one always loves the other more, it might only be 49/51 but it will cause issues, the trick is for it to go back and forth giving more love when needed by the other. I think I spent a long long time chasing that 1 percent with no flux back the other way and I'd forgotten what it feels like to actually be loved. In my brief encounter with my old ex from 20 years ago, I've felt what it feels like to actually be with someone who is capable of giving that type of love, and its freed me.
