My husband of 22 years moved out last month - 2 weeks before Christmas because he is having a midlife crisis which I believe stems from the financial problems from his business and our personal finances. I have been following the divorce busters rules and guidelines and he has been very communicative. However, he is hard to read and he threw me off last Friday when he took some responsibility for his actions. I tried keeping him in the "friendzone" by saying we should talk about our issues in therapy. It did not go over well. He has not contacted me since. I know this is a long process and the advice I have been given is invaluable but I feel frustrated. Advise appreciaed.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. Can you give us more info about your situation, i.e., such as the age of your h and if there was something that happened 18-24 months prior to him starting the crisis. This could be a new job, loss of job, a new baby, death of a family member/friend, etc.
One of the things that MLCers do not like is talking about issues, especially in therapy. They shut down very quickly. Being a friend to a MLCer is listening to them and only offering up advice when they ask for it.
I'm going to post Cadet's welcome post...please read it. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
it is a fine line to walk with MLCer anything can set them off Most will not want to go to or hear about therapy, even though it makes sense to us-they see it as pressure or control they don't want to work on themselves
You can be cordial to him, kind, friendly no expectations because they change their moods and minds constantly
try to focus on you make new plans with friends, find hobby, take care of yourself as best you can, read, post. sleep, rest and try to eat- get individual counseling hang in there It gets easier
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you for the advice and direction. I read many of the attachments and the sections about signs of MLC really resonated with me. My H has nearly all of them.
My H is 46 years old. He owns his own business. The business is not doing well mostly because he is constantly distracted by social media. We were turned down for 2 loans for our house because of his business financials. This was about 8 months ago. We borrowed money from a family member instead. He told me in early November that he was thinking of leaving me. He slowly became hostile to me and blamed me for all different things. Nothing made sense. He was so excited to find an apartment and we were supposed to be happy for him. He told me that he was spending less and less time with me so he could get used to not being with me. He left in mid-December.
In the seven weeks since he left, he has contacted me every day except for 5. Two of those days were this weekend. During the past two weeks, he has consistently talked about decorating his apartment, how relaxed he is now, getting attention from other women, picking up things from the house, etc. I'm a little frustrated with the direction of these comments. He seemed closer two weeks ago.
The Mlcer will move out and then frequently visit, especially if there are kids and call..Mine did
we became friendly during the intial bomb drop
It is a difficult adjustment period for everytone
You can skip a few of his calls.. make plans Let him see what life will be like without you being his sounding board.. and you Certainly don't need to hear about other women May want to set limits in the conversation to protect yourself
Keep posting and others will chime in to support you
hang in there
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Re - talking about other women. My XH started complaining to me about OW and how she treated him in the months after BD. I said to him - H, I am your W, please don't complain to me about how your girlfriend is treating you. He never did that again.
Boundaries are critical with the MLCer.
Please don't feel disheartened by the direction things are taking. We can't really measure progress in small increments of time. It is best to haul your focus off of him and invest in rebuilding your own life independent of what he may do.
That doesn't mean being closed to reconciliation, just not focusing on him and watching for signs...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
