Just make sure you are aware that she could be doing all sorts of stuff with all sorts of people right now, and you would have no idea. So be smart and protect yourself - emotionally and physically (should things head that way).
My C talked to me about how much emotional control she had over me. At its worst after BD, everything about me hindered on her. So all it is, is a mindset, of just focusing on myself really. I don't know how this went for anyone else, but for me it taking some time. I find myself doing good for most of the day, then at night I'm over analyzing things or worrying, like I said earlier.
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If you are always willing to bend to whatever she asks, then it makes it seem like you dont have anything else to do or that all you want to do is be with/near her.
Absolutely agree. I know that doing the opposite is my best route. Again, maybe it just takes time and getting used of NOT interacting with her, talking, venting etc...
I did want to pose a question though. And it's somewhat to something I asked earlier...
Hypothetical situation- A few days have gone by with no interactions (her work week this normally happens. Then Sun\Mon she has kids so theres a little there.) She sends me a random text message, not about kids, logistics or R. I don't respond for a few hours, or till the morning or just longer than I'd normally be before DR.
There is a good chance she would come back with a snippy comment. Like she's done recently: "Oh okay. were done texting too" and I can hear the sarcastic tone its said in.
I guess my question which I assume will be easily answered is, what do I do with sarcastic, snippy, b***hy comments about me being too busy, unavailable, or short with her?
I'm sure others have came across this response from their spouse and the last thing I want is more conflict.
I won't sacrafice myself anymore, for the sake of resolving and staying away from conflict... However I'm not sure how to deal with these moments when they happen.
Journaling and really wanted to get something out there.
Long story short, I don't talk to W family about our M. They have all voiced their opinions and are very much in favor of W pressing the breaks at least. We're all very close and they know pretty much everything, and they're very pro staying together.
Today, for the second time, somebody on her family wanted to share a few things with me.
Something to the point of: " It really hurt me that when I told him I was leaving to sign a lease, he seemed unaffected, like it didn't bother him.
Both times W brought this up to family, she said it while crying a little.
This absolutely blows me away...
W obviously knew (at least I thought???) that I didn't want this. I just stopped pursuing, begging, pleaded, telling her how much I loved her... because I think that is the right thing to do.
So she would have not got a place if I begged her? I had begged initially and nothing happened. It blows my mind.
Just on a positive note. The family that reached out to me today, also relayed that W has noticed a few changes. I.e. GAL, not answering back as soon as she writes, being somewhat unavailable, even my attire.
Not jumping over the moon, but I'm proud to say I made those changes for ME, and they're being noticed.
A quick question. Why did she go and sign the lease?
Has anything changed with her situation since this whole episode started? I understand only too well your confusion and how counter-intuitive DR is but it primarily comes down to looking after you and your children first.
The key thing IMO is that we can’t control our WS, when they are in an EA or PA the blinkers go on and it’s all about them, is she making these remarks because it’s affecting you or your kids? No your actions are only affecting how she feels, right... When you have contact there’s nothing wrong IMO in being civil with her, being happy and confident are the ingredients that show her Kilo is okay with or without W
I personally if hearing this would think “cake eating” or “pity party”, her actions are slowly showing her that her life isn’t so great and what she had wasn’t that bad after all!
Kilo – you need to understand that she has the work to do here, she has to come back to you because she wants to. Again I feel these boards can be of immense value to people who are just starting out in their situation BUT caution needs to be adopted too, remember with a wayward common sense goes out of the window.
Don’t get me wrong look back at your MR and see where you fell down and work at changing this through actions NOT words " It really hurt me that when I told him I was leaving to sign a lease, he seemed unaffected, like it didn't bother him” < was this an issue in your MR?
My WW couldn’t wait for me to get out the door as this left the way clear for her to carry on her A unabated in the family home.
It’s really tough when separated but work your side of the street DR and look after the kids, “be the best you you can be”.
Stay the course.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
" It really hurt me that when I told him I was leaving to sign a lease, he seemed unaffected, like it didn't bother him.
Maybe it did. But I dont see why this is a bad thing. Do you see how twisted this is?
"I chose to move out of the house and sign up to permanently live elsewhere and I am upset with HIM for not chasing after me."
Big, sweeping, romantic gestures of you running into the leasing office while shes holding the pen and giving a huge speech about your future lives together.........they dont work in reallife. Thats only in the movies. Let's say you HAD done that. Or sobbed like a baby when she told you. They would have only driven her away further.
Don't beat yourself up over what she's saying. My guess is that she wants to paint you as the 'bad guy' in their minds or in her mind as a way of alleviating her own guilt. Either way, I dont see how it changes anything for you.
I find myself doing good for most of the day, then at night I'm over analyzing things or worrying, like I said earlier.
Thats understandable. Its hard lying alone and thinking about all of the possibilities and ramifications of every decision youve made or are yet to make. For me, it helped to stay focused on my goals and ask myself if I was doing what I could to move closer to achieving them.
Originally Posted By: Kilo
Hypothetical situation- A few days have gone by with no interactions (her work week this normally happens. Then Sun\Mon she has kids so theres a little there.) She sends me a random text message, not about kids, logistics or R. I don't respond for a few hours, or till the morning or just longer than I'd normally be before DR.
There is a good chance she would come back with a snippy comment. Like she's done recently: "Oh okay. were done texting too" and I can hear the sarcastic tone its said in.
I guess my question which I assume will be easily answered is, what do I do with sarcastic, snippy, b***hy comments about me being too busy, unavailable, or short with her?
Im not really sure that there is a response needed at all. I would say that your actions are more important. Getting sucked into a discussion through those comments doesnt portray the "we're done texting" message.
What is there to say that isnt explain-y or judge-y?
Hey sorry its been a few days. I had to go out of town for a close old friend that was sick.
Anyways, a lot has happened. Its all in the same realm of that last time I went to her place to drop of our S library book. Any and all of our interactions have absolutely not been started by me. Which I am proud of. It's hard as hell to pull away from those old tendencies and habits. Especially when I simply miss her. So I'm proud of that one.
I am seeing continuing results from this as well. She seems to get more interested in what I'm doing. She has made a handful of 'jokes' about it too. All just sarcastic jokes, I maybe can't explain it, its just how used to joke around. But again, I'm not starting any of these.
Since I last wrote, I have seen her a little more because she had to switch nights at work. The last 2 times she has come to pick the kids up for the night (which has been 2 our of 3 nights due to work) she has spent an absorbent amount of time here.
First night: W came over to pick kids up once they came home off the bus. I was here, but I wasn't so much 'here' or available. I continued to do the house work I've been doing (fixing somethings, flooring or paint). And chatting with her every now and then. After about 2 hours had gone by where she could have left, she said something outloud like " Well we've been here long enough (past dinner time) we should have just ordered pizza). Me being hungry and low on groceries, I asked if she was serious. If not, then cool but the kids were hungry so I ordered one. <<< I'm not sure if that was the right move
She ended up staying afterwards for a bit and the whole family watched a really good movie together. She was here for about 4-5 hours in total.
Everything was light, she was joking, flirting, laughing. Any interaction we did have, it wasn't lifeless. If that makes sense.
Second night: As stated above, due to schedules he had to come pick up our kids today. She msg me around 10 and asked if she could come early to pick up our S's, and hang out. Internally I was elated, but I didnt know what was my best response. I took a while to respond, and then something popped up around noon that I had to take care of in town, so she came over to watch D while I ran errand. She didnt have to do this, she came about 4 hours earlier than needed.
When I got back about 30 minutes late, she was cleaning the kitchen. I mean everything. I could smell bleach as soon as I stepped in (she's an insane cleaner), the oven top was open and it had been scrubbed etc... I told her she needs to stop and she did as she was about done anyways.
The rest of the night other than how much we interacted (which was a lot compared to last month, all initiated by her) it was a good night. We watched a movie we'd been wanting to see for years. She made so many little jokes, or was cracking smiles/flirtacious... really really flirting. So almost 8 HOURS after she initially came over they had to leave. I kept it too hugs, kisses and ILY to kids, and just said Later to her.
A few hours later she msg me saying thanks for letting her come over and hang out. She started talking about how lonely she is. She cries all the time and cant sleep. She doesnt even know who she is... Our oldest S7 said "I wish we could go back to the good times" and she told me about it. That got me a little shook up.
So after that novel that I just wrote, I wanted to ask this...
Towards to conclusion of the conversation above I said: Me: Wow thats suprising to hear. You've been very light, joking, bubbly anytime you've came to the house this last week. W:Comfortable
Thats all she wrote then changed subject. It only concerns me because since BD, if we had a streak of good days or weeks, she would randomly say that we're going back to 'normal because its 'comfortable'... So i dont know how to take that.
Thanks for thinking of me and my sitch. Thats really awesome, I was worried nobody would want to continue to talk about it.
After rereading it, I really want to emphasize the depth of our conversation when she was telling me how she felt. It was about day to day life and how it is an absolute struggle for her to make it thru the day.
I wanted to say something like "well youre preaching to the choir' or well you decided to up and leave...But I didnt. I was sympathetic but I wasnt her safety net. I tried to act NO FURTHER than what a friend would do.
I think the time you are spending together is good. My only concern is how available you are making yourself to her. Positive interactions are always good, but I fear that her intent is to choose what's "comfortable" instead of what she actually wants. What I mean is that she only lived in the other house for what, a couple weeks, and now is running back to what is familiar. I fear that you arent giving yourself enough time to really grow such that this wont be a sticking point in any future relationship you would have with her. You can read through Clyde's thread and see how dangerous it is to have such a quick turnaround - the situations arent the same exactly, but there are a lot of issues with just letting the walkaway come back so quickly.
