I just read DR and am trying to work my way thorough the process. The exercises on diffusing emotions and deep breaths from ACT have helped a lot.
Background: We’ve been married 4 years, together for 11. Wife has had anxiety and health issues for some time, but they came to a real head around 3-4 years ago, and have seriously impacted our ability to do much of anything. We’re both very outdoorsy types, and our ability to travel and explore together has been seriously impacted.
We’ve also struggled with different expectations on sex for years. I had expressed doubt about marriage because of this, because a healthy vibrant sex life is really important to me. I have read the SSM, seen a sex therapist and spent some time with an EFT focused therapist.
Wife had expressed an interest and willingness to change, but was resistant to scheduling sex, or really putting the effort in. For example, she never read the SSM despite saying she would. She had also always said that I made her feel that she wasn’t good enough (i.e. blaming me).
I had been seeing an EMDR therapist and trying to do the work to straighten out my own head. It had been helping; I’d stopped pursuing my wife so much and started with the GAL approach. She was responding well to me, and our general level of intimacy was improving.
Other issues: We’ve always struggled a bit with having kids. She goes back and forth, but it is generally something she wants. I am not opposed, but always wanted to wait until our relationship and sex life were in a stable place. I know that kids can be a huge challenge to a relationship, and I haven’t been sure about moving forward until this was resolved.
The downhill slide: We suspect that a big part of her low libido was due to hormonal birth control and other health issues, and that’s been the dominant challenge in our relationship for years. Her health issues came to a head around six months ago. She went to see a functional doc and appeared to be slowly starting to dig her way out. He suggested her going off the hormonal birth control, which I was supportive of. At the end of the session he asked if there were any goals I wanted from treatment, I mentioned that we’d struggled with the desire discrepancy component for years and it would be awesome if that improved, but that it was secondary to other health issues.
She also started seeing a therapist (which I strongly encouraged) and trying to work on her own issues. I was initially invited to come see the therapist with her. When I came, I mentioned that I didn’t feel as close or supportive with the lack of sexual intimacy, Her therapist suggested that we talk about scheduling and making it a priority, and that I temper my expectations. Seems reasonable right? It never happened, and I learned that she felt me bringing this up was an unsupportive betrayal.
She had some really dark times during this period, and (in hindsight) I let her down. She could barely get out of bed or eat, and I went out and played outside a few times. This happened in the context of years of panic attacks, so it was hard to know at the time that this was different, but I know now that it still felt like an abandonment and serious let down of trust to her. Her combination of feeling scared and alone, and my not being there (and being worried about sex) did a lot of damage to our relationship.
Now: A few months ago I confronted her about seeming to be checked out. The conversation did not go well. She told me that she didn’t know what she wanted. I started pursuing harder, trying to “fix” it. This came to a head after about a week, and with her threatening to go sleep elsewhere I went down the street and stayed with a relative.
The next day she asked me to come home and talk to her. She said she didn’t know what she wanted, and that she had bought a few books on mindfulness in marriage.
I backed off a bit, and she initialed sex around a month later, for the first time in months! I may have dropped the ball here, I got excited and was hoping for a repeat soon, and got a bit moody when one wasn’t offered.
Since then, we’ve gone on one trip, and had a tremendous blow up when she was acting withdrawn and distance, and generally seemed to be contemplating divorce. In that conversation she said the she didn’t know if things could be saved, and that I’d been acting desperate for months.
She hasn’t read any of the mindfulness in marriage books (that got for us) or expressed much other concrete interest in making things better. She also believes that I was monitoring her online activity.
Status: She has not given me the D-bomb yet, but she has said she doesn’t know what the future will hold, or what kind of future she wants. I know that she has been reading about divorce, and that she has a lot of anger and resent directed toward me, and has regarded our past as a “toxic” relationship where she was a victim and didn’t stand up for herself. (for the record, I’ve supported her through school, numerous career changes, hospital trips, and life changes – but I have also gotten moody and pouty about sex more often than not over the years)
She is clearly trying to GAL and build a life that doesn’t have me in it, pursuing her own activities, etc..
She does sometimes initiate physical affection with me, and (when I have her attention engaged) seems to generally enjoy my company.
She also still has bouts of very combative short-temperedness with me, which I don’t engage with.
My questions: I know that I need to stop pursuing. Stop talking about the relationship, stop talking about the future to reassure myself, stop reminding her of the good times past (There where many) and generally stop doing things to try to “change her mind” or “reassure myself”
I’ve done that, or at least I’m working on it.
How do I balance this with trying to regain trust and be the supportive, be the partner she needs me to be?
I feel a bit like I’m damned either way. Her health issues prevent us from going on the type of trips that used to be our bonding times (for now). How do I be supportive and regain trust, without pursuing?
Last edited by Cadet; 01/06/1802:09 PM. Reason: do not mention other books or authors
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I read a lot of you pushing her to have sex with you as a way of bringing you closer. From my time on here, I’ve learned that women generally think the opposite —> emotional closeness breeds a desire for sexual activity. Men generally think the opposite —> sexual activity will yield a closer emotional connection.
With that in mind, how have you worked to foster an emotional connection over the years? What are your love languages? Have you been speaking in a way that she can understand?
Yeah, there is a lot of baggage from me pushing for sex (or getting emotional and withdrawn when it wasn't there) over the years. I have stopped doing that. We've currently had sex something like twice in the last six months between health issues and the current relationship issues, and I'm not poking at it.
Her love languages are touch and quality time. My difficulty now with our current relationship dynamic is how to approach those. In our last big discussion "blow up" she said I'd been acting desperate for months.
We still make 5-10 minutes to sit together and cuddle to start our day, and I'll touch her affectionately through the day a few times - but I'm also trying to break the pursuer (me) distance (her) dynamic. I feel like these are somewhat at odds with each other.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Her love language is touch and quality time. We always made time to cuddle and be close over the years, and to spend time together.
After our last fight/blow up she said I was "acting desperate" for months. So I'm walking a pretty fine line here. I still initiate some affectionate touching throughout the day, but I've backed WAY off of on it, and I try to calibrate my touching to hers, or at least her level of responsiveness.
I feel like I'm in a bit of a double bind here - I don't want to pursue, but I also need to try and meet her need to love and reassurance.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks for the responses guys. I'm keeping the DR book off site, and I only browse this in incognito mode. So I'm not terribly worried about being discovered.
I'm having pleasant interactions with the wife here and there, will continue to GAL to try to stop initiating touch and waiting for her to.
It is incredibly hard with to keep an inner struggle like this from someone who has been your best friend.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Had a pleasant enough interaction this morning. I made a point of not asking to sit and cuddle (our usual routine) and just told her I was ready to go.
She asked me if I wanted to sit with her first, (I did) and we had a pleasant 10 minute or so conversation about the day to come. I also got what seemed to be a sincere goodbye kiss as I left (her initiation).
Small victories, right.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Still struggling with not being detached and with not eavesdropping. I recently scheduled a call with a DB coach for a few days from now, so we'll see how that goes.
It's really hard to gauge how the wife is responding to this, but I suppose a week or two is really too soon to expect to see anything major. All accounts are that she is still moving forward with planning for a life without me (although she's never actually dropped the D-bomb on me).
Our physical affection has gone way down since I stopped pursuing it.
I'm reading (and trying to follow) Sandy's rules. Despite it "Feeling wrong" I'm not pursuing or initiating physical affection, and I've avoided and R talks on the good times we have together.
I really feel like I'm in limbo here. Still living with her and sharing a bed, but she seems to be pretty checked out. But when we actually do things together she seems to sincerely like me.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
