WAW on rebound, toxic inlaws, mental health issues

[trbuste]

So another update

W has changed her Facebook name into her maiden name
The document she requested from me was her birth certificate. I would assume she is looking to obtain this in order to change her identity documents and/or bank account details.

At first I suspected this might be the case. I am questioning whether I should remain cooperative and give her the certificate or not. She can contact authorities and get a fresh one but it will cost her hassle and money.

What would a good DB-ing H do?

[trbuste]

In the end I decided to be the nice guy and cooperate and give her the birth certificate.

In the meantime I have also learnt that my W is back on the dating scene because the R with OM doesn't seem to work out as intended.

I have had to deal with INTENSE ANGER because of her actions today, and it was really hard to continue being a good DB-er. I was absolutely itching to write her a raging email telling her all the stuff her parents had done to me, but I have been able to restrain myself.

How do other LBS's cope with the huge sense of injustice, knowing that you have been a good H and then getting treated as if you are a piece of turd stuck under your W's shoe?

[TBSakaJ9]

How do other LBS's cope with the huge sense of injustice, knowing that you have been a good H and then getting treated as if you are a piece of turd stuck under your W's shoe?

I had an IC for the first 7 months and lift a ton of fuching weights.

[petri]

I've had IC since the separation. It's been a very good place to vent. And it's still going on. Funny that my IC can usually give only six appointments but she told me that she wants to work with me more b/c I'm quite easy to work with.

[trbuste]

Thanks I had an IC up until recently (paid for by the government!) but after 6 months they dismiss you so I think I'm going to have to go private now.

What frustrated me with my IC is that they didn't seem to be interested in DB-ing just in getting me to move on and GAL. They felt that DB-ing was holding on to the misery. How do your IC's see it?

[trbuste]

I'm currently facing another set back in my DB-ing attempts.

-> As part of the 180 I need to give W the impression that I am not pursuing
-> W and her parents are now putting me in a position where I am forced to pursue

She has requested that I send her hard copies of her birth certificate AS WELL AS our marriage certificate and post them to her stepdad's workplace.

There is no way in hell I will willingly provide the marriage certificate (the birth certificate goes without saying I will send), and certainly not the the man who has manipulated my legal case is and is largely responsible for destroying our marriage.

The problem here is that; if I resist, it will indicate that I am still holding on to the marriage and it will blow up the marriage.

If I comply, I will give them VERY easy access to do what they intend on doing which is starting proceedings for filing.

Feels like I'm with back against the wall. I've made another appointment with my DB coach.

[trbuste]

Ok this topic deserves an update now.

After my last situation I felt trapped in a corner.
Thus I required lots of pondering and coaching.

I spoke to my DB coach, a psychologist and two of my counsellors and one of them helped me draft up a response to my W.

The compromise we jointly reached was to validate and give her the birth certificate but to only give her the marriage certificate if she agreed to meet with me in a safe environment (for instance at the counsellors). That way she can explain her reasoning and we can assume it is actually her (and not her step dad using her email to obtain the documents).

I also used the email to explain to her why I did not trust the STiL and gave her a list of the horrible things he had done to me. My DB coach was uncertain whether this would have a positive or negative impact because we do not know how much she knows and how she will respond to these facts. It could make or break the DB-ing attempt but I decided to take a punt and expose his actions.

Thus far she has not responded to the email however I have noticed that she left her parents apartment hours after I sent the email and has been staying at a friends' place 1.5 hrs out of town ever since (!!)

I would claim this to be a small success because my email has made her realise what awful things her parents have done to me.

In the meantime I am awaiting feedback and doing my GAL stuff.

[trbuste]

We find ourselves 6 weeks or so later and there has been no response to my e-mail whatsoever.

I have spent 25 days out of the country and my W has been away for a similar amount of time.

Returning back to our family home after 3.5 weeks away really made me realise that I am not prepared to let this marriage slide.
I have currently ceased all dating activities and other distractions as I realised how.

OM seems to be out of the picture (based on 3rd party observations).

I guess it's just a continuation of GAL and a waiting game now.

[AnotherStander]

What frustrated me with my IC is that they didn't seem to be interested in DB-ing just in getting me to move on and GAL. They felt that DB-ing was holding on to the misery. How do your IC's see it?

This is very common. Most counselors see themselves as divorce facilitators. Mostly they believe divorce is inevitable and that their job is to transition couples into D. That's what separates Michele and her coaches from the rest.

The compromise we jointly reached was to validate and give her the birth certificate but to only give her the marriage certificate if she agreed to meet with me in a safe environment (for instance at the counsellors). That way she can explain her reasoning and we can assume it is actually her (and not her step dad using her email to obtain the documents).

So this meeting never took place? She has never even replied to the email?

I would claim this to be a small success because my email has made her realise what awful things her parents have done to me.

I think that's mind-reading on your part, she could have moved out for any number of reasons.

I guess it's just a continuation of GAL and a waiting game now.

What are your GAL and self-improvement activities? This isn't a waiting game, it's a "make yourself amazing" game.

[trbuste]

Thanks for your response.

No there has never been any meeting nor any communication since I sent that e-mail. I am seeing my IC again today to see if he has any further suggestions to break the "Mexican stand-off".

I should probably not make any further attempts to contact her, her family or friends (not that I have been).

And yes you can assume that was a hopeful thought. Her biological father has managed to re-establish communication with her and has been told that she will be moving into her own flat within close proximity of the MiL and STiL, so she will still be fiercely under their control.

My GAL activities include;
diet / fitness regime (my body has never been this great)
gym and other sports activities (charity runs, obstacle runs)
socialising and making new friends
trips & travel
performances (music)

I make sure every pic I post on social media I smile and appear happy