Hey Chris! I just want to echo what others have already said. You handled yourself really well in that convo. I wouldn't worry about showing a bit of anger. You're a human being with complex emotions and you showed her something authentic. It may not register for her right now, but she will realize how she has hurt you and you not shoving that on the side is good.
She is clearly trying to manipulate you and get you to do the papers so that she can tell the world that you wanted it. If you're not ready for filing yourself, then let her do all the work.
Also, you don't have to get the papers in person. Tell her to mail them or drop them off in the mailbox or whatever. I feel that her trying to see you in-person is just a way of her to get her temp check.
At this point though, just go absolute NC and dark. Block her if you need to. This is not going to have an effect on your chances of recon. We know that people who have gone through divorce seen the WW come back years later wanting to recon. I know the timeline is ridiculous and daunting, but if you keep your focus on recon, you're going to miss out on life.
As we say here, your MR is dead. Just say the eulogy and move forward with your life. She hasn't shown through her actions or even a drop of remorse that she wants to recon. Just let her be and gain your sanity back.
One trend I have seen with you is that her texts clearly destabilize you - whether it's her being manipulative, guilt tripping you, or even sending you neutral messages.
she says: "i wanted to see you tonight to just hang out for once, and talk, and try to be close and see if there was till something there. I didnt want to get too much into anything bc i wanted to just have a night to try to be normal."
this is typical unrepentant WW behavior... it's non-committal... she is not wanting to commit to your marriage... she wants to give just enough to keep you hanging on... and because she hasn't committed, she still feels she is free to live the single life with OM... her boyfriend... if you did hang out with her, and things were pleasant, your hopes would be raised, she would pull back, and the cycle would start all over... you would go dark... blah, blah, blah... i am glad you left... she did not get her way...
From your wife: "We are both recovering and im so updet you just left like that bc i didnt show you my phone on demand. i dont know if there is anything repairable. you havnt been able to stay calm around me and you seem to always leave in anger an din a rush without just allowing the convo to evelop and happen. Were both hurt and angry and trying to recover and its going to take pateince , respect, and understanding to move forward. i dont feel that from u for me. I dont feel that you love me anymore. and if that is the case then thats ok thats your choice but then please just say you want to end this."
wow!!! can you see how she has made this all about her? and how she is hurt... how you hurt her... she cheated on you... she left you twice... and she is still in touch with OM... and she feels that you don't respect her????? the only way she mentions your pain is she pairs it with her own pain: "we are both in recovery, we are both in pain." she does not own that she has caused you pain, but she sure points out that you have caused her pain... and even caused her to cheat... that's what she is getting at...
she is not humble, she is not ready to reconcile with you... she is not ready to ask for forgiveness... she is still seeing herself as the SUN and you as one of her planets that revolve around her...
Just got a call from W at my office...i picked up without looking at the number (since she never calls here anymore). Said, if we want to sign these papers, there are some things I need to provide her. I simply said, "just mail everything to me and I will look at them when I get a chance"... She said "what?" I told her again to just mail everything to me and I will look at them when I get an opportunity. She said ok, then we hung up.
So, it looks likes its happening.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
I am sorry it didn't work out like you hoped. You are still very young and you have no kids so you are way ahead of the game of most of the people here.
I caution you to make sure you continue to work on yourself so you do not attract another women who will try to control and manipulate you.
I think you are going to see down the road that this was a blessing in disguise.
Chris...good on you. My W told me over a month ago she was ready to move forward and I have not heard a word. I essentially told her the same thing, to let me know what day works best for you.....she never responded or acknowledged my text. Have no expectations but don't be shocked if you don't get the papers.
Just got a call from W at my office...i picked up without looking at the number (since she never calls here anymore). Said, if we want to sign these papers, there are some things I need to provide her. I simply said, "just mail everything to me and I will look at them when I get a chance"... She said "what?" I told her again to just mail everything to me and I will look at them when I get an opportunity. She said ok, then we hung up.
How did that make you feel? Can you see how she waves the bait in front of your nose, wanting you to bite? Pure manipulation! I couldn't help but laugh a little, b/c she wasn't expecting the answer she received.
I am really proud of you, Chris. This is exactly the way you should have handled that call. Just don't get scared and back down. She is trying to stay in control of the situation. I don't think she even has papers, but it doesn't matter. You can probably expect to see her turn up the heat with temp checks. She'll want to be assured she still has you eating out of her hand. She may show up late one evening, or call you (in tears) and ask you to come over. Don't fall for it. Tell her to leave, and don't go to her place. There have been some crazy stories on here how WW's would show up and throw themselves in the arms of the unsuspecting H. They would usually have sex, and then she would immediately turn cold again......b/c it was all a temp check.
You've shown strength and courage......and self-respect. I think separation has helped you to slowly regain some self confidence, and see the truth behind her actions more clearly. If she is ever going to turn herself around, these are the traits you need. If she never improves herself, these are still the traits you need. B/c guess what? I think you are beginning to see that it is no longer all about her. Women like her are seldom givers. They are takers. If she doesn't learn consequences from her selfishness, she will always be a taker. In the meantime, you are going to have a life of quality and live like you want. In other words, it's going to be about you.....at least for a while. . In fact, this may be the only time in your life that you'll be able to do whatever you like doing, without worrying about what someone else thinks.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
. In fact, this may be the only time in your life that you'll be able to do whatever you like doing, without worrying about what someone else thinks.