LL - DR and trying to Piece is not a waste of time - even if you do not get your R back. the goal of DR is to work on you and make yourself a better person - That is never a waste of time.
Don't stop trying to DR and to piece - I have on many times given up only to later see a glimmer of hope and keep working on piecing. I do not know if I will get my wife back but I feel that I am a better person for the effort and I also realalize that I have a long way to go.
So keep the faith, keep DBing, your H does notice even if he does not show it for now.
I used to think that NG and I had many routines, and it was not till a couple of weeks ago, as he was describing what he finds comforting in our R, did it dawn on me that to him these were more like rituals, not automatic, but anticipated.
We have breakfast together every day - full hour of apple, tea and CHAT Turns out that when we travel, this is one of the major pieces of our days that are missed, for both of us
At least twice a week, we now meet for lunch. It has gotten to the point of being embarassingly commented on by his and my colleagues
Sunday mornings, we walk up a nearby hill, commune with nature, shower together go have a full fried breakfast and snooze most of the day away. Lovely.
I'm looking forward to building more rituals, folks, let's get some more ideas flowing
Hubby and I read the article last night. What a wonderful inspiration! we decided that we had gotten into so many routines that we had left out the rituals.. and we set our alarm clock this morning to get up an hour and a half before he has to leave for work and before the boys usually wake.. we showered together.. and sat and watched the news together and talked.. it was soooo nice and we both look forward to making it about us, and our time.. we are going to add in a card game here in there, and some Bible time... i just wanted to thankyou for posting this.. This will def. help us to reconnect... hugs
This Valentine's I plan to give H a card and write in it 7 reasons that I love him...we've been married 7 years. Next year, I will write 8 reasons that I love him...etc,etc, etc.
We buy each other gifts for our anniversary, so for Valentine's I think just reminding him why I love him will be a special way to validate him.
Honeypot posted this elsewhere, and I thought that it was really great, and belonged here, too!
Quote: Chacha, Good for you, girlfriend! Way to take the bull by the horns.
May I also suggest doing little things for each other in your home? Jamesjohn wrote an article somewhere on this website that is called "creating marriage rituals" or something like that. It is really good and talks about the importance of having things that you do for and with each other that have no significance to anyone else but you. They can be small and mundane things, like "we always watch Law and Order together" or big things like what you did, "we go out to eat once a month together". The idea is that you share something with him frequently that only has meaning to the two of you.
For my husband and I, we do things like share a beer together at night (we pick it out together at the store, and try something new each week). He opens it and pours it for the both of us and then makes a toast. It's goofy but we do it so often that it has become a part of us reconnecting with each other. Another thing we do is to play cards in bed, though the more kids we have the less we do that one!
Another thing we do is take turns cooking each other special meals. That is, instead of going out to eat we buy special food and cook for each other. Now, I do all the cooking anyway, but I like to do this for him. Naturally, I like it even more when he's the chef, as he will be for Valentine's day. The last time we did this, he made fondue and it was quite yummy and romantic, even though the kids were sitting right there dipping into their peanut butter fondue, lol.
The idea, of course, is to make your ordinary lives an opportunity to connect with each other. Small things can do so much to help create a connection and keep it going. My H told me last night that he was giving up alcohol for Lent and I begged him not to! (how's that for a pious wife, LOL) I told him, Aaaaaaghhh, it's one of the only things we do that does not involve the kids in any way, shape, or form--can't you pick something else?
Which he did agree to do--please, my H has given up about 3 or 4 things so far, this was overkill in my opinion. But that's another story.
Take care and congrats to you for taking such a positive first step.
HP
JJ
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Because the meat and potatoes of the holiday season right around Christmas and New Years always involves traveling, extended family, friends, etc., and is always hectic, we've created our own special day when we decorate our tree the first weekend in December.
We cook up a bunch of snack foods (some homemade, some frozen) and prepare that together. We all have our different tree jobs (mine is just to get the thing in the stand) and listen to our favorite Christmas CD (soundtrack from Merry Christmas Charlie Brown). We spend the day doing all that, hanging stockings, play a game or two, maybe work on a puzzle, and usually watch Merry Christmas Charlie Brown and A Christmas Story in the evening once the tree's done.
This year we're going to start giving the boys a special gift from my W and I on that day.
We started it kind of by accident, but it's become my favorite day of the season because it's just us four and pulling out all that stuff gets us talking and reminiscing about when the kids were younger, all that. It's a good time.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Turns out that when we travel, this is one of the major pieces of our days that are missed, for both of us
