I suggest you take Sandi's earning very seriously. Being nice and passive will never work. And the WW will not hesitate to manipulate you. My own W tried to clean out the house thinking I was at work. Pulled right up with MIL and SIL. And this was the day after my grandmother passed away. No shame whatsoever. Wanted to take advantage of my vulnerability. The past year of my sitch consisted of always staying ahead of her. Never let your guard down for a moment.
Thanks Sandi and Thread for taking the time to respond. Your feedback is appreciated. Well, I went to the house yesterday and my D17 pulled me aside and said "Dad, I really need to tell you something. Mom is cheating". I was floored. She confirmed the OM to be who I thought it was. Recap, the W and I alive about 2 hours away from each other because I got stationed at another base. Original plan was for W and the rest of the family to move where I am after she returned from deployment. My younger sister was staying with the kids for the final 2 months that the W was deployed after I moved to my new duty station.
OM is a guy who she deployed with. D17 told me he has been to the house multiple times and had dinner with the family. My sister confirmed it. They both grew really suspicious when they noticed how the W and OM were behaving around each other. My sister said she has come home and found him at the house while the kids were at school but didn't think anything of it at first because the W was his boss in Iraq. My sister just wrote the couple of times she saw him there as meaningless. She said that changed when my D17 asked her about it and wondered why he was coming over for dinner and why the W was gone from the house so much leaving D17 and my sister to care for D's 4,5. D17 said she would look in the garage at 2-3 in the morning and W car would be missing.
I told D17 that she is right, that her mom is cheating. No need in lying to her in my opinion, she already can see what is going on. D17 is furious at her mom.
I made contact with OM and let him know clearly that I will destroy his universe if he ever comes to my house again or around my children. I know someone that was able to prove me with his number. I told him this is one and only courtesy call about the issue. He apologized with a bunch of weak excuses and said he got my message loud and clear. I outrank him significantly so he knows I can crush his career with a few actions on my part. I don't see the need to do so but I will not hesitate if he crosses my line.
W knows that I have spoken to OM. She knows that D17 and my sister have told me what she has been doing. Of course she denies it all and tries to tell me I'm reaching for something that's not there and overreacting. I told her I didn't care what she said and I know she is lying.
Sandi you told me to strap in and that things would get worse before they get better.
People in her unit know whats going on. But its time for you to DB hard. To no contact has to happen. Its time for her to start feeling what its like to lose you. She still have your sister and daughter taking care of her responsibilities. You need to start calling her. Don't threaten or call the OM again. You told him your boundary, now everything from here on out needs to be actions and not words.
You W has lost respect for you. You have to gain that respect back.
Your W is going to lie. She is a cheater, lying is easy for them. She's going to recreate reality. Next shes going to find every reason in the world to blame you for everything that has gone wrong. Pull yourself out of her crazy world for now and let her deal with her mistakes and consquences.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Everything needs to have an order to it. One way to slow down the constant texting throughout the 24 hr period, is to have a set time that you correspond with her about business, kids, etc. If you randomly contact her to chat with the kids, it places you at the mercy of her confenience.
You should have a schedule for both parents when they can video chat with the kids, and it's best not to have it right before their bedtime (for small kids), IMHO. Why not suggest this to her?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
