Rebuilding my life (ILYBNILWY? IDGAF)

[EastTN]

I said the last one would be the last one, one way or another. I guess I was wrong. Things were supposed to be over and settled by now, and instead things are more unsettled than ever. Coparenting? Hah. Here's the history, if you care:

ILYBNILWY
ILYBNILWY Part 2
ILYBNILWY Part 3
ILYBNILWY Part 4

XW asked for D last night for Halloween. I asked for exchange to happen at specific place/time. XW said ok. XW called 25 minutes before drop off and asked where and when we were meeting. Reiterated time/place agreed. XW claims she never agreed to that. Suggested she check her texts again. Get text a few minutes later that "I didn't see you threw that in there." I get that a lot.

XW is 5 minutes late. No problem. It's 7:35. She says D hasn't eaten. I reflexively check the time. XW says, "F--- YOU!" In front of D. I get D out of line of hearing and say in a low voice that she can't talk like that in front of our daughter. More rage.

[Holding]

I reflexively check the time. XW says, "F--- YOU!" In front of D.

Hey East, sorry XW is being difficult. That's shameful what she said, and in front of your D too!

I just don't get the rage. I'd love to have someone explain to me how the WAS (at this point an X) can have such rage against the LBS. Is it displaced guilt?

I like to think of post-D life as a place where I'll be free from STBXW's drama, rage, and manipulation. Sadly, your sitch reminds me it's a fantasy.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=EastTN]I reflexively check the time. XW says, "F--- YOU!" In front of D.

Hey East, sorry XW is being difficult. That's shameful what she said, and in front of your D too!

I just don't get the rage. I'd love to have someone explain to me how the WAS (at this point an X) can have such rage against the LBS. Is it displaced guilt?


I used to think this^^^ was the case.

But there are disordered people out there. Personality disorders and people who did what they did and justified it all.

So It's NOT always "their shame lashing out."

See, when we assume guilt/shame on their end, that's us projecting how WE would feel if we had inflicted pain on the people who loved us the most.

But the WAS does not share our values - they do not feel what we would feel, they are not invested in the family and m like we are.

If they were, we would not be here.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=EastTN]I said the last one would be the last one, one way or another. I guess I was wrong. Things were supposed to be over and settled by now, and instead things are more unsettled than ever. Coparenting? Hah. Here's the history, if you care:
-

XW asked for D last night for Halloween. I asked for exchange to happen at specific place/time. XW said ok. XW called 25 minutes before drop off and asked where and when we were meeting. Reiterated time/place agreed. XW claims she never agreed to that. Suggested she check her texts again. Get text a few minutes later that "I didn't see you threw that in there." I get that a lot.

XW is 5 minutes late. No problem. It's 7:35. She says D hasn't eaten. I reflexively check the time.

Okay so she's reacting to what she saw as your P/A way of scolding her, by looking at the watch. Instead of you just owning how you felt, which was that it's a bit late for dinner now and asking your d if she could wait to eat dinner, after the trick or treating. OR needed to stop the fun then and there, to go eat.

Not saying you were being P/A, but yes I can see how she saw it that way.

I think the $h1t sandwich you are going to have to eat for your d's sake is to smile through it all and say "okay we will go get dinner" and get the he11 away from

"the angry one."

BUT once she says the "F-" word at you, one response is to stare at her as if she's an insect specimen.

Like her reaction is so out of the solar system that it's both shocking AND fascinating.

And get your D away from the bug. The bug is a stink bug.

[Holding]

Thanks for clarifying about the rage, 25. I guess we'll never know what drives it. We can only take it as a sign that their head is in a completely unrecognizable place.

BUT once she says the "F-" word at you, one response is to stare at her as if she's an insect specimen.

Like her reaction is so out of the solar system that it's both shocking AND fascinating.

And get your D away from the bug. The bug is a stink bug.

Awesome spin on things! I'll try to remember that.

[EastTN]

I don't think it's displaced guilt. I think some of it was, early on, but later (especially after she moved her stuff out) it turned into something else. I've been told by someone (who used to be close to her) that she's being spiteful and doesn't want me to have anything. I've been told by someone else (not close to her, but in a position to have the information she gave me) that the plan was to "take you for everything you have."

Why? I think my dating is a big part of it, which makes no sense, as she was having an affair (the last time it came up, which was a couple of months ago, she even continued to deny that the man she is living with is OM2). She's said that I did her wrong by "not being there for her" when she was "depressed" (personally, I think that means that I was supposed to be ok with her affair and allow her to keep OM while remaining in the marriage. I could be wrong). She's told me that I did her wrong by marrying her and adopting our daughter. I really don't understand that one, either. My last idea is that I was supposed to let her figure out the affair wasn't what she wanted, and be a stable plan B, and refusing to do that meant that I didn't care, so F--- me. I've also been told (and I think sandi would probably agree with this one) that she's been used to me doing anything to keep the peace, and she's enraged that I won't do that anymore (my mother says XW was always very controlling, and probably resents that loss of control over me).

Beyond that? I could have handled this better. I've posted almost everything in these threads, but not completely everything. I remember saying some hurtful things in May trying to "wake her up" so she could be at least be a mom again. I accept that I was half that marriage, and that half of the responsibility for it ending is on me. I really wasn't good for being much more than a father and a provider for the year or so before BD. I really did change A LOT for the better after BD. I can understand why someone would be hurt by that.

In the end, though? I don't think the "why" matters (that's a big one for me. I always NEED "why" for anything. Letting that go in this has been one of the harder things I've done in life) because that wondering is just another word for "attachment" and "why" isn't going to provide some key to defusing the situation. So just live through it somehow, try my damned hardest for D and be the best dad I can be, be the best man I can be for myself, be the best boyfriend I Can be for GF, and work to make my life as good as it can be.

[EastTN]

25, we weren't going trick or treating--D had already been with XW. D was going home, to bed. It wasn't "let's wait a while to eat" it was "she should have already eaten, it's almost bed time."

I see how she could think I was being P/A. Staring at her like she was a stinkbug would probably drive the rage through the roof, though. Next time, I'll just walk the hell away.

[Ginger1]

The rage is when divorce doesn't go an they envisioned. When they plan on walking away they imagine this life where everything is perfect, they get what they want and the LBS will make a nice easy transition for them.

When it isn't all it's cracked up to be and no one is making it easy for them, they rage.

[25yearsmlc]

EastTN

letting go of the need to know why, YES it is damn hard.

Hardest thing for me to do is accepting what I do not understand. And that I will not understand. Spent 2 years trying! (There are no "Good" answers to this.)

Carolyn Myss says "endless questioning is endless suffering".

Makes sense to me.

[Vapo]

East, buddy,

any news?