Thought I would start a new thread...not sure why....and the title is how I am feeling right now..and I don't know why(well I do..)
I am painting our hall and dd picked a color..and I told her I really wanted to ask her dad..as it is still his home too..she said he's going to say he doesn't care(as he always has)..well I took colors with me to our church campfire and as he was walking past me I told him I had some colors and as he passed me he said"whatever you want"..I was crushed..of course dd said that is the way he has always been..decorating is not his thing...on the way home I thought what kind of m could we ever have again...I know it is still a month away, but I think about our anniv..25 years is suppose to be a special one..and look where we are..I know I am feeling sorry for myself..actually pms is setting in and I have a hard time controling my emotions...I need to go back and re-read my threads and see the steps forward that we have made. Sometimes I get angry at him for leaving and creating this wonderful single life of coming and going as he feels like..not even trying to fix our m..then I ask God to help me..I don't want to be consummed with anger..but I can sure see how those of you who are back together can experience these feelings.
So I need to readjust my thoughts and get the peace back..
I find when I start feeling like this, it's because I'm looking at all the ways he's not meeting my expectations. Then I force myself to focus on the positive baby steps he's making and I begin to feel better.
Do you just need to refocus?
I'm sorry you are feeling bad. The fact that your daughter predicted how he would respond suggests to me that it's more about him and less about you. Sending you some comfort.
no need for a 2x4 with you...you do a great job of seeing things for yourself.
I understand wanting h to have an opinion about the color scheme of the house but if it never was "his thing" why would it be now. with the next home improvement project you come across...just go with what you like after all you are the one who lives there.
Quote: Sometimes I get angry at him for leaving and creating this wonderful single life of coming and going as he feels like
I know it is not what you want but why can you not come and go as you feel like it as well? then it wouldn't seem so much like he has all the choice.
I am sure you will find your peace again.
so aside from painting the hall what other things are you doing for you.
I agree - go ahead and do what you want to do. Paint the walls neon pink or something outrageous because YOU are the one living there.
UNLESS, H left partially because he felt that he his opinion didn't matter. My H was the same way, didn't seem to care, never made choices or showed any interest in decorating. But, I have since learned that he did care, did want to be considered and has strong opinions on matters for which he showed no interest whatsoever.
Confusing? Yes. And I do think that you should assert yourself by choosing your own colors, but when the time comes, and you will know it, maybe he can have some input on another area of the house. Just MHO.
Hi Sue - Sorry to hear you aren't feeling 100%. I was passing through and saw your thread and the choosing colors kind of struck me. Is it just this particular incident or is something else bothering you? I've always left choosing colors to my (now WAW) wife not because I didn't care what the place looked like but because I recognized that I have little talent in seeing what goes with what and what looks good *and* that she had a real talent for it. She was always great at decorating and our home looked great and felt 'homey'. Everyone in her family consulted her about colors schemes and decorating. It may be a sexist attitude but I've found in my limited experience that women are generally better at color co-ordinating and decorating than guys...the apartment I recently moved into, painted and decorated by a guy, further strengthens my belief
Hi Sue: I think a lot the same of PnT... Sometimes we put too much expectations to our H responses or actitude... This vicious habbit has awfull effects on me, so, i am working a lot stoping expectations, receiving so gratefull and happy what he is bringuing me, and trying to focus on the little baby steps... Also i think maybe is something else that it is bothering you... bc when there is some things bothering us, we focus too much on this little aspects... i am wrong...? it is so difficult to rebuild the M... primarly bc us... the part who suffer too much and is still to much hurt.. the part that has to forgive and to think in positive... but we can make this work... Go ahead girl...!!... you can...!! Andrea
My H walked out on me and 3 year old son for another woman in April and is also "living the single life" but I too feel like I am "living the single life" as I can come and go as I want to, 3 year old is becoming easier to deal with because I don't have to worry about H's reactions, overreactions to what 3 year old, independent, stubborn son is doing. I have lots of family who are helping me out with babysitting son while I do my thing. I've been painting rooms in our house, also, and H is starting to wonder what I'm up to. I've also been buying a few new things here and there and just trying to create a new atmosphere in a house that's been the same the five years we've been in it. He's not back yet, but is looking like he will be back. We have lots to talk about before that can happen, but I'm just doing what I need to do to take care of myself and son and enjoying every minute of it.
Life with OW is not what he thought he was going to be either, if what he's been telling me is true. He's also been telling her he doesn't know what he's doing or if he's even staying with her, so she's basically in the same situation as me.
Take care of yourself and make yourself happy and do things that you want to do just because you want to do them. Try the "single life" yourself.
WOW...where do I begin..when I need a lift, I can always count on you guys around here!!!
PnT.. LL..Dotto..Christina..Jim..Andrea..Cathy..I am over-whelmed by the responses..I do need to refocus..I let the sad feelings take over my emotions..then the doubts and the "what ifs"...H has never cared really about the decorating..I have always assumed he is ok with what I want..but like you said, Christina, what if I have never given him the chance..I can't change the past..and you know what we have more important things to worry about then the color of a wall
LL...I guess I am not sure why I feel like h has it any better or easier then I do..I come and go without worrying about anyone..our kids are still at home,but gone alot and sometimes I wish I had the house to myself more or for longer periods...
Christina Maria..did your h tell you he felt like his ideas did not count? I don't know at this point if that is how my h feels..I think some of that plays a part..I have always done EVERYTHING..from cooking to garbage out..and now I look back and wonder why didn't I ask for help..or insist on help..I was an at home mom for so long that it all just got done..now h is doing own laundry..cleaning(maybe), cooking, paying bills...all the things I took over and did..so that will have to be a discussion if he comes back.
Cathy..it must be tough with a 3 year old..my kids are 20 and 23..but still live at home and go to college..so I don't have to take care of them..I still worry... It is amazing what a new color on the walls can do to life yoour spirits..the bedroom is next...I have some ideas for a cottage look..but again..it is still "our" bedroom, even though he's not here..it is very hard for me to just go and redo things..I try to put myself in his place and I know I would not like him redoing "our" home to only is liking.
If things were more definite and he would have left with the intention of d or we did not interact like we do, I would not have as much of a problem changing the things..but we have been here 20 years..and he had a little input..maybe it would be a good way to have a r talk..to see if he has any thoughts about wanting to work on the m and coming back some day...that is a scary area for me..I am afraid of the answer..but will have to face it eventually...if I would only try to think optimistic and not pessimistic on that one.
I'm decorating and painting in a way that he would definitely approve of, he's a hunter and fisherman as am I and the lower level has his deer heads, fish mounts and so the bedroom is themed along that line. The things I'm doing are keeping him in mind.
I guess I'm just in a spot right now where we're both contemplating what to do, so am trying to enjoy this time to myself. If he does move back then the hard work will have to start. And, he's always done pretty much what he wants to do for the most part.
