H kicked out OW in April because he said he realized that he was trying to recreate what he had with me and that he could only do so with me. We started working on things and spend alot of time together, but he is working SO MUCH that this is hard. Anyway..I am going to break it down a bit..... April OW moved out.....very reluctantly( I had to pack her things for her because she wouldn't pack them...she kept making excuses on why she couldn't move) and sent her packing....she continued to call and email until June 16th when he blocked her email and I sent her one telling her to stay away....no word since...that I know of. H has problems telling the truth. For 4 months he told me he wanted to work things out with me and then said that he was lying to me that entire time......he was sleeping with her and telling me she was just a friend...I believed him. He filed for divorce and everything....it will be final on August 6th. His explanation on that is that he needs a break from the old relationship so we can start over....the vows of the old relationship were broken and when we work things out we can remarry and renew those vows. I expect him to dump me again after he gets the D....I don't understand his way of thinking on that one.....I feel if you want something to work...you work on it not divorce. Male opinions on this one please....Anyway, a couple of times since we have been seeing each other again I have caught him in little white lies....stupid little things that he thought would cause a fight and he wanted to avoid. A female friend rode with him to his mom's lakehouse and he didn't say anything because he didn't want me to think there was something going on.....I figured it out. I didn't even question them having anything going on, but it hurt that he didn't trust in me enough to be honest. He feels I should trust him....even after the seperation and all its lies because he is "telling the truth" about how he feels now....nevermind that he lied for months. He is working every weekend and out of town....3 nights a week he has to work until 10 PM so the only nights we see each other is Sun. from 7 PM til I leave for work at 10:30 and Monday night the same hours. I am a little upset by this because it has been going on for over a month. My insecurities make me wonder if he isn't trying to get away from me. On those weekends he is with his mom and stepdad(family business)...and when he has HIS boys they get to go with him to work, but he will not invite me and my children to go....this is an issue for us right now and I don't know how to deal with it and can't get him to see my point of view. So work is a problem....he reasures me, but he doesn't understand he reassured me and lied to me about us the whole time he was having a relationship with her. I ask that he call me on the weekends when he is gone....just a quick 2 minute call to say hi and make sure he is okay....he doesn't call me and he doesn't carry his phone on him( bad signals in the mountains ), but he does check his messages and never returns my calls. I decided that I will not call him anymore on weekends. I don't know what he will do. I find myself checking up on him or did....I quit a couple of weeks ago, but before then I was checking his phone to see who he talked to or driving by work to see if he was where he was suppossed to be...I told him this last week so that I was not being dishonest with him and he had a cow about my not trusting him...well...DUH!! Then other things came out....I call him during the day to make sure he has lunch( sometimes he is the only one at the office and can't leave) so I call to see if he needs me to bring him something.....he said that when I call he feels I am checking up on him...same thing when he is out of town on weekends. He wants me to totally trust him...how can I do this?? Anyway....trust is a huge issue....he says he wants to be with me and I know I want to be with him, but man this is hard! I know at least once a week I wonder if it is worth all the heartache, but I love him so much and I know in my heart it is the right thing....it is still the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I need any advice that I can get....how do I trust him? I feel like I need so much reassurance in how he feels....I constantly tell him I love him...I email him....buy him cards an he doesn't. He tells me he loves me, but that's about it. He has bought me flowers once....I am beginning to think I need to read the book about love languages. Anyway...sorry for the long and jumbled post, but my thoughts are the same way.....Thanks in advance....
Welcome..I really don't have alot to offer...have you read DR..a great help..I don't think I would pursue with cards, calls or r talks...let him have some space without any pressure...and above all things take care of YOU...this rollercoaster you have jumped on is a long, bumpy ride...become strong so you can face it head on..no matter what the outcome is..know that you will be ok..
seems very unfair when a WAS feels we should "just trust them" - after all the lies and deception. Would he read the Infidelity chapter in DR or "After the Affair" ? It might be that he just truly does not understand how you felt and still feel about the A and thinks that the best way to get past it is to just "put it in the past and forget it happened".
I think this stage looks even more difficult to get through than before there is any effort at reconcilation. The only other thought I have is the "self-fulfilling prophecy" in DR. If you let your mistrust run riot it will show through and his behaviour towards you will be affected. Vicious circle. If you make a huge effort to hide your mistrust of him (act as if) then his behavior may become more trust worthy.
Whew ! After reading that, I dont even trust him, either !
So......if he's innocent, why worry about you dropping by the office when he knows how he's lied to you ?
This sitch is going to be hard for me to be objective about, Workingonit, because I rarely forgive a liar. Almost never, in fact....so my opinion is somewhat tainted.
I can tell you that I dont like the picture you painted, though. Have you tried getting him into counseling?
Something else struck me funny. "Family business".
They ( we) do almost anything to retain control over that baby. Divorces are a threat to any family business.
Forgive me for looking at the possible negatives here, OK ?
-Not much time together, and no contact when you're apart.
-Keeping you away from the office ?
-Lying about little things. And why was she with him in the first place ?
-Divorce still pending....and didnt get put on hold.
( did your atty miss something that's being exploited ?)
I'm sorry sweety, but trust has to be earned in this case.
He should know why you dont trust him,...HE caused it !
Too many secrets to suit me. That's my take.
"Wants to be with you" .....yet the D is going through ?
Pretty contradictory.
From here I'd say maybe going dim or dark might pull him towards you.....but personally, if it were me.....I'd go to C....assuming I could get past the lies...( which I couldnt).
I need more time to think about all this, because my gut reaction isnt conducive to doing you much good right now...so allow me to stew a while.
Hey BM...to clarify a bit. I can drop by the office anytime I want...in fact I have been going up there and helping out some just to spend time with him because he is working so much. He just feels that if I call him everyday while he is working I am assuming he is doing something wrong and checking up on him. Silly, huh? Come by anytime....just don't call.....DUH? He has agreed to marriage counseling and we plan on starting in a couple of weeks....he says he really wants this to work out, but sometimes his actions don't show me that. I have stopped calling him at work....haven't even gone up there in over a week. I have stopped emailing him everyday and I am being sparse with the ILY's.....I want to know if he will tell me....he has so far. Today I came home to my apartment. I have been staying with him for months now, but I came home today and told him that if he wants me around I need to know that I can't guess anymore on how he really feels....I don't know what will happen. She was with him largely because his mom said....oh you can just ride with Robby and he doesn't buck mom usually. She rules the roost at the office and doesn't like me so I feel it was a way to cause problems and it worked. Anyway....I am gonna go get my kids now and take them swimming....Thanks for all the replies and such. Any more questions and I will answer if I can. email is rrk61970@yahoo.com
Oh and BM.....the family business is in a trusteeship so I couldn't touch it even if I chose to. I did not contest the divorce as we have no kids together and he gave me everything in the household. He is paying off my van and then signing it over to me. Nothing to contest...I got it all....except for the one thing I truly want.....my marriage.
Just a slight update......BIG blowup between he and I on trust issue the other night and even though we have not come to an all out conclusion I am coasting along where I have ended up. Thanks to a couple of people on this board i have seen a couple of things that I did not see on my own about myself and my behavior in this. He went out of town on Friday and I will not see him again til next Friday...I have been turning my phone off at night so that I am not tempted to answer if he calls. NOrmally when he goes to the Lake( only 2 hours away and has his boys there) he will not call me....I expressed how this made me feel and he blew me off.....or so I thought. I got up this morning and had a voicemail on my phone....babystep, but he is listening to me and is trying to make me feel better. I am going to go semi-dark this week and focus on me, my children, my apartment, and getting ready for school. Will check in here soon....thanks for the replies!!
Just getting stuff out......I swear sometimes I feel even though I am trying to do whatever I can to help the relationship.......nothing I do is right. Everything I do is wrong in some way to him. I'm tired guys.....
