My wife of 9 years, (together 16 years, 3 kids - D13, S7, S4) and the love of my life suddenly called it quits about 6 months ago. Up to about 2 years ago we were as tight as could be, and while there were no big relationship issues to say we had over come throughout our 16 years... we have endured some trying conditions that could test the strongest of relationships. Like most I never in my wildest dreams could of imagined her leaving.
We had hit a rough spot that as she puts it "rocked her foundation" and subsequently rocked the foundation of our relationship. I own my own business and am for the most part the sole provider for the household, at the time of the incident I was putting in over 100 hours a week for over 2 months with out a single day off... and prior to that I was averaging 60 hours a week (I'm in the construction industry). I had gotten home early one evening and was telling my wife that I was going to take the next day off and planned on having a buddy over to help me build a tree house for my daughter. My wife contested right away, said no way are we building a tree house till my daughter had her own room, (all three kids shared a room at the time, the plan was to convert a 3 walled office space in our house, into her bedroom). The tree house was a 1 day project, the bedroom was a 2 weak project. While I agree with the importance of my daughter having her own room I did not have 2 weeks to dedicate at the time, but I could take a day off and do the tree house. Not only was time depicting what I could accomplish, but the tree house seemed like a relaxing project that would not feel like work on my only day off... where as the room conversation is what I do on a daily basis (far from a day off).
I explained this to my wife but she was having no part of it, this was highly frustrating for me and I was already at the end of my rope after working 2 months straight with out a day off. So when my wife referred to our house as a (censored) hole, I was deeply offended as it takes all those hours I put in to keep this roof over our heads, and any free time I have after family time goes to maintaining/improving our home, I gave up all hobbies, hanging out with friends, etc dedicating all free time to my family long ago. So my response was not the best. I told her if she is not happy with what I provide, I will stay home and take care of the kids/house... and that she can go see what it takes to provide.
This started our biggest argument to that point, I did not build the treehouse, instead took the day to hangout with the kids and rest. After about a week of reciprocal silent treatment, we decided to see a MC. After two sessions which mainly focused on the single incident we seemed good, (at least I thought)....
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here. Reminds me of my buddy whose w said she was done when he didn’t remember to call the lawn sprinkler guy. Obviously this was the straw that broke the camel’s back, tragically. You are a good guy, a provider, a good dad, no major vices, right? Sounds like there were issues related to the amount of time you spent with your w, that maybe she felt ignored or not paid attention to, or prioritized? Maybe you weren’t the best listener? How were you in the romance department? How was your sex life? Are you still living together? Has she filed for divorce? She was a SAHM? Did she have unfulfilled dreams and desires? Is there an OM in the picture? The more we know, the more we can help. You may feel really alone right now, but there are a lot of us in the same boat.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
no big relationship issues to say we had over come throughout our 16 years... we have endured some trying conditions that could test the strongest of relationships. Like most I never in my wildest dreams could of imagined her leaving.
Can you give some more details on this? I have a hard time balancing the 'no issues' with 'extremely trying conditions'.
Originally Posted By: Clyde
I own my own business and am for the most part the sole provider for the household, at the time of the incident I was putting in over 100 hours a week for over 2 months with out a single day off... and prior to that I was averaging 60 hours a week (I'm in the construction industry). I had gotten home early one evening and was telling my wife that I was going to take the next day off and planned on having a buddy over to help me build a tree house for my daughter.
Not saying this is right or wrong, but I can see that if my ex had been out of the house for >14 hours a day every dqay and then came home to spend time with her buddy instead of doing the jobs that needed to be done, Id be pissed too. In her mind, the treehouse was a luxury item while the bedroom was a need. I imagine youve talked through this, but, just my thoughts. More below.
Originally Posted By: Clyde
I was already at the end of my rope after working 2 months straight with out a day off.
I think this may really be the root of the problem. Im grumpy after a 9 or 10 hour day. Let alone a 14 or 15 hour day. And then multiply that by 50-60 days in a row? I imagine that you were far less helpful or kind or involved in the family than you think you were. Not judging you, just pointing out that it's likely that this wasnt just 'a bad day'.
Originally Posted By: Clyde
So when my wife referred to our house as a (censored) hole, I was deeply offended as it takes all those hours I put in to keep this roof over our heads, and any free time I have after family time goes to maintaining/improving our home
You mention that you are the only one working. So what does your W do all day every day? My assumption is that she is cleaning or cooking or running errands or transporting your children. Do you think this is 'lesser' work? Do you consider you and W a team?
Originally Posted By: Clyde
I gave up all hobbies, hanging out with friends, etc dedicating all free time to my family long ago. So my response was not the best. I told her if she is not happy with what I provide, I will stay home and take care of the kids/house... and that she can go see what it takes to provide.
Do you see WHY this isnt the best? You are basically saying that her contributions are the lesser of the two. Like only the money that you make matters, but the daily job that she does (with no pay) has no value to you.
I am curious about the money habits of your family. If you are truly working 100 hours a week, I would think you all would have a pretty nice place or would have a nest egg to be able to plan to upgrade. Is your business doing well?
So there is much more to the story, my first post seemed to be getting long...
I continued to work the 100 hour weeks for another 6 months, during that time all seemed good. My w decided she wanted to go to school to be a Holistic Health Practitioner/Massage Therapist. I altered my schedule to accommodate her 2-3 days a week of school, and intern took my hours down as I was doing the school runs, and hanging out with our 3 year old while she went to school.
Now my w was studying non stop on top of running the household and going to school (I did what I could to help on top of the 2-3 days I ran the house), so there was little time to enjoy each others company, nurture our relationship. And while I tried my best to be understanding of the load she was under I still felt as though we should take time to go out, or even hang out once in a while. It seldom happened even though I was constantly suggesting it. She did however find time to go out with her friends every now and then, I pointed out to her that the last three times she ate out was with her friend (who she calls her sister, no relation), meanwhile she and I had not been out in over 10 months!
Also around this time I borrowed her phone (mine was dead), while I had her phone a text came in that caught my eye because I saw my name in it. I read it out of curiosity, it was her friend agreeing with my w that I was an angry person, I listen to horrible music, and that my attitude was the cause of my neck injury. When I asked my wife about what she said in the text, she stood by her statement, no remorse, no sympathy for my injury or the fact that it happened literally breaking my back for my family. She has yet to take the comment back to this day.
This was the start of the final months… we went back to MC, I was more than open to addressing my shortcomings and my w seemed very involved genuinely wanting to fix our relationship.
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
About a month into her starting school, I suffered a severe neck injury and lost all feeling/articulation of my right arm, what little feeling I did have was severe pain.
After about 5 months of not working at all, cortisone shots, physical therapy, I slowly recovered and started to work again but am to this day still limited, I am still managing to provide for our home though.
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
At the same time her friend (pseudo sister) announced her engagement to her boyfriend. This woman has had several affairs, is an attention (censored) when out… and has facilitated affairs for other friends only to tell everybody about it afterward, (I guess it makes her feel better). I have always felt as though she was jealous of the genuine relationship my w and I had. The upcoming wedding became a point of contention when she planned several all weekend bachelorette parties over the course of the year. The first bachelorette party was approaching and it came up in MC, the MC thought it would not be a good idea for my wife to go given there were several planned and at the time our relationship was not at its strongest. My wife expressed her desire to go later that night, it turned into an argument in which I continued to seal my fate. My wife used her friends husbands as an example, telling me “they don’t care if their wives go” to which I responded, “lets see how they feel about it after I blow the lid on the affairs their wives have had on them”. I guess my w took me seriously because she warned all of her friends about it. I know… stupid move on my part (wish I had my DB book back then!) Needless to say, I became enemy #1 of this group of women.
My w did not go to the bachelorette party, seemed upset for a few days, but seemed to get over it. We continued MC, she was going out of her way to be affectionate and make time for us, all was good for a month or two. One weekend she seemed off again, was short with me, and did not want to talk about it or even acknowledge that she was being that way. I could tell something was up and decided to look at her text, sure enough the “sister” text her two days prior giving her a hard time for not going to the upcoming bachelorette party, she told my w “this is why I did not pick you to be my maid of honor… I knew he would pull this crap, you need to get out of his grip”. It looked as though some of the thread was deleted too, so I do not know what my wife part in this conversation was. I asked her about it, she said it was no big deal, she didn’t reply. I asked her why the thread was incomplete, what did she delete, she denied it. I questioned again and told her that she should of defended me to the sister, and not allowed her to talk trash on me. At that point she screamed at me for reading the text and told me for the first time she was done, and wanted a divorce.
We went about 2-3 weeks barely talking, she dropped out of MC after getting caught in several lies, I continued to go. Eventually I convinced her that our marriage was not over, and that we just need to be more understanding of one another's point of view and more willing to compromise etc. About a month later was our 9th anniversary I took her out to a dinner and a concert, she had her reservations about going saying she does not know if we have gotten that far in the healing process, I honestly think she did not want to go but did not want me in that environment alone. She was distant through out the night (not even wanting to hold hands) slowly warming up as the night went on and we were having a good time. The concert was at a small venue were there was room to dance, my wife was dancing by herself in front of the table we were sitting at. I do not dance but know she loves to… so I figured this would be a good chance to come out of my comfort zone and dance with her. After a few minutes of dancing with the w, she pulled me to her side and told me to dance beside her, I was humiliated… and went back to sit at the table. After about 5 minutes I had enough of the cold shoulder so I Told her I wanted to go and walked out with her following. When we got to the truck I tried to tell her how I felt, she did not want to hear it, again said she is done,wants a d, and we never recovered. We continued to live together for another 2 months while she tried to figure out how to support herself and I tried to fix our m. Thats when the story really gets insane!
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
At that point living together was rough, she refused to talk about our m, she got a job waitressing, and would not come home 2-3 nights a week. She would not let me or the kids know she was mot coming home, and sometimes stay out half the next day... on several occasions she left us stranded with no car seats. She would tell me she stayed at the sisters house, when she would answer her phone I could hear her sister in the background, sometimes telling my w what to say. Not only did this frustrate me, but it really bothered the kids... prior to this behavior I could not of asked for a better mother to my kids. I asked her to at least let is know when she was not coming home, she did not. I finally had enough, told her it needs to stop or she needs to move out fast, I do not want the kids to go through this. She had been looking for an apartment already, unto that point I tried to talk her out of it, but she managed to make the situation unbearable. She did it the very next day, leaving us with no car seats so we had to skip church. I finally agreed with her that some space might be needed... telling her "I know you feel you need to leave our home in pursuit of happiness, I will hope and pray that pursuit brings you back home, there will always be a place setting at this home for you."
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
At that point things got real ugly. Her friend had just became a paralegal and started coaching my w how to screw me. For example, my w took all my tax documents, when I asked her about them she claimed I was harassing her and to leave her alone, I simply asked once.
I went to a show one night, first time I was going out alone through this entire ordeal. The w seamed in a good mood so before I left I asked to speak with her away from the kids. I told her I had come to terms with what was happening but still hopeful we will work things out, meanwhile I hope we can handle the separation in a civil way, no need for lawyers, and that we should discuss who gets what and agree not to take anything out of the house with out agreeing. She said yes, so I left for the show. About 2 hours later my dad drove by our house (unbeknownst to me) and called to tell me she was loading stuff in a friends car, and to get home now, she might be trying to take the kids (she had threatened this). I was an hour away and headed home immediately. When I got home my w had taken anything of value out of the house, 99% of the stuff she took was hers,(gifts I had brought her) but she also took all the kids records.
I was furious she did this right after our conversation, and that she did it in front of my kids. My d told me she had to ask her mom to leave some stuff on the mantle and book shelves so they were not bare. My w had already been sleeping on the coach for the past 2 months since mentioning her wanting a d. I told her to get the rest of her stuff out of the bedroom, I'm putting a lock on it tomorrow, and I will build her a cabinet in the dinning room to store her stuff in until she leaves. My d told me it was the paralegal who helped her move everything and saw her mom signing a bunch of papers in the paralegals car.
The next morning we are arguing about some of the things she took the were not clearly hers, I walk outside to get some air and there are two Sheriff deputies at our gate, I asked them why they were there and they told me the w's sister called for a wellness check because she had not heard from her in a few days, (total bs - she was on the phone with her most the morning), anyways they talked to both of us and said the property issues are civil, nothing they can do, so deputies leave, no report taken.
My d asked why they were there so I told her that trish (pseudo sister) called them because she was worried because she could not get a hold of mom, my d immediately pointed out that she was just on the phone with her, I shrugged my shoulders and said it was probably someone else her m was taking to. Little did I know that my daughter intended to prove me wrong... later that day she got in the w's phone and found a text from the sister saying "ok I called the police, I told them he was holding you hostage w/ guns!" I was floored! Btw- I had removed all firearms from the house weeks prior as soon as I felt I was being set up.
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
I was on edge knowing the levels that my w would stoop to. Several days later my w had most of her belongings out of the house and was pretty much living out of a suitcase. I noticed her take every last item of hers, even went through the mail before leaving to go to her sisters for a few hours before work. I asked her why she was taking every last item of hers, was this the final departure? She said no she will be back before work to drop the kids off. My d did not want to go w/ her but the w insisted, as they were about to pull out of the driveway I noticed the kids backpacks in the back of her truck, so I again flat out asked - r u coming home... she said yes, my hands were tied, I had a knot in my stomach as they pulled away.
About ten minutes later I heard my w's friend calling for her at the gate which was locked, I knew she was there to serve me as I could see the docs in her hand... I already got the docs from the court house the week before (I went and checked after the d told me she saw her mom signing papers in the paralegals car). At the same time my d called me and said that my w just turned the location settings off on my d's phone, she sounded panicked and said here she comes I got to go, and hung up.
I never went to the gate to be served and after the call from my daughter I was distraught trying to figure out what to do. A few minutes later I see the w pull up, I met her at the gate and asked why she was back, she took the lock off the gate and backed up as if she was going to take it with her. I told her I knew what she was up to, trying to have me served and taking our kids away, her jaw dropped she was shocked. I told her I had the docs for a week and I proceeded to walk to her car, when I approached I told my d that she could stay w/ me if she wanted. She immediately started to get out of the car, my w jumped in the drivers seat, pulled my d back into the car and grabbed the seat belt out of her hands and buckled it, as she went to start the truck I reached in and unbuckled the seat belt, my w grabbed both of my hands scratching me in the process, I backed up out of the car and let them pull away, she drove up the street about a block w/ my d's door still open, and away they went.
I went back into the house fearing she would again call the police and lie about what happened. I grabbed everything I thought I would need and decided it was time to go find a lawyer. As I was pulling out of my driveway I saw 2 deputies on foot up the block, I drove up to them and said "let me guess, you are here for me?" They said no, they were in the neighborhood for a different reason but they did speak to my wife around the corner and told her it was a civil issue. I thanked them and drove on, as I rounded the corner I saw my w talking to her friend who tried to serve me, they were about 25' behind my w's truck, I pulled up to my w's car, my d instantly got out and into my truck, and we pulled away.
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
