This is my first post. I could post in SSM, MLC, infidelity, newcomer, empty nest the list goes on which is humbling in and of itself. I have had a coaching session already and am picking up the book today. A wee bit of gratitude: The stock level online of the book said low and to call the store to check. I called at 6:45 am thinking I would only leave a message. Someone actually answered and put the book aside. Wow. I am trying to harvest more out of these moments to strengthen my gratitude radar. Its 2 weeks and 2 days since the BD. I have been through a lot in my life – sexual assault, an abusive marriage that I healed from, PTSD from near death in a hurricane (weather still stresses me a lot), a vicious exwife of my H, significant health challenges, death of a dearly loved parent, and death of the other who abandoned me … so I know I will survive this. That gives me a lot of peace. But none of those situations forced me to grow like I am now. I am both excited and absolutely terrified. Having this forum helps me voice my growth to give it the air it needs to breath and live.
For as strong as I thought I was – I let the marriage down. I understand it takes two to make it work. No letting up on that. But this is about my part of the journey. The skills that got me to this place became my flaw. They say a flaw is a skill in excess. Excess on being highly competent which took over all aspects of my life and our life. In order to maintain some semblance of balance I let other parts of me become dependent on him. While the balance sheet may have looked equal, it was not healthy.
Resentment, menopause, health and over control to keep fear at bay – the list goes on. Ironically I could see it in other marriages but ignored it in my own. I would not have wanted to be married to me either to be honest. But we were and are so very compatible on the family attachment level I thought that was enough. Now I understand there are more threads to the connection of health. Just like a body it needs to breath and eat and move and think and experience. One of those is just not enough.
When raising all 4 daughters we sought all kinds of counselling help to deal with their teenage years. I feel so taken aback at the fact that we didn’t do it for us. Kids can be so in your face and take so much energy I think the marriage health was neglected and accumulated yet overshadowed by all else. Then empty nest hits and guess what. The tank is empty.
I look forward to sharing more of this journey and am so grateful for the others who are willing to do the same. I remember when I went through recovery from violence. I thought to myself, it really didn’t happen to me but I will talk about it in hopes that others will learn (ie denial). When I walked into the room for the first session and saw the faces of the other women in the room – it became real. I felt like I had come home after a very, very, very long time away. It was the first step in true healing.
That feeling is with me now. It didn’t take 15 years to figure out what I need. It only took 5 days.
I understand what I need to do. My challenges lie in the fact that I am an engineer and trusting instinct is hard.
What I have been told:
Wants to be on his own to find himself. Did not admit to the affair until I confronted him. I know this man well enough to know he is off the deep end with turmoil. I won’t replay the entire thread. I am just really confused about his ability to compartmentalise. I can’t do it at all. So I don’t know how to read for the signs (my homework for the week from my coach – which I am not liking BTW – but I know I have to do it). One minute he is sharing a story from work or about the kids like nothing has happened and the next he is off to see or text this OW. I guess I really don’t have to understand it. The fact that he has not moved out immediately and that he is ok telling me his thoughts is enough of an indicator that I have some value in his life. (homework part). I have to tell my scientist/engineer brain that I don’t need to know how he can compartmentalize, just that he does it in order to survive his pain.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for commenting. I really learn a lot from each of you.
BD Sept 9 2017 Age 54 H53 m 18 years 4 kids blended and adopted all grown OW still on scene
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks. These resources are great. They help to keep my plate full of work on me which really helps.
It's weird how the detachment process works. Just when you think you have detached something happens to spin you around and land you in a new spot that is better. The absolute denial and righteous attitude that everything he is doing with his affair is OK just unnerves me.
BD Sept 9 2017 Age 54 H53 m 18 years 4 kids blended and adopted all grown OW still on scene
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
