Tread, Im not worried about her threat. She threatened to hate me forever like a school kid. Shes obviously not too fond of me right about now or i wouldnt be here. Shes full of smoke and mirrors. Just trying to manipulate this whole thing like shes done all along. I see through her threats. Like the ones where she threatens to leave and go to him. I offered her a plane ticket and a ride to the airport that time and she declined. Its just a tactic to keep me from talking about the A and to keep it going without interference as long as she can.
I started to work out again and last night i went out on my own to town. Didnt tell her where or why. She was real curious when i got back. So ill keep doing as Sandi and 25 recommend and see how it goes.
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
gw, For what it's worth, I think your new attitude is admirable. You'll come to a place of peace a lot sooner since you've let go of the whole revenge thing. Another old saying like the one you quoted is- revenge is like you drinking poison then waiting for the other person to die. I think you're doing great!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Knowing that emotional neglect on my part contributed to the environment of the affair, should i fully ddetach, or will she percieve this as the old me creeping back in?
I think this is one of the most asked questions & concerns among newcomer LBS's. I can't help but think it's b/c the concept of DB detaching is not fully understood. We post the links, make copies and forward Peanut's shorter version of it.. but it's up to the individual to really get down and read about the definition of what it is and what is not. I think most people believe they already know what the word means.....but they don't study what we give them. IMO, I think learning the ins & outs of DB detaching is more important than the "rules", b/c if you get detaching right......you'll pretty well have most of the 37 rules covered. I would urge every newcomer to read Peanut's short version on detaching every single day, until they have it almost memorized.
If you DB detach properly, she will not see the old you creeping back in.........and partly, due to her own state of mental attitude, too. When you detach, DB style, you look attractive, interesting, and confident.
We all have potential to become a better version than we may have been in the past. Maybe that is difficult to see at the moment, but I hope you will put your all into it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Sandi! I will give it my all. I have printed Peanut's version and will carry it every day, and read it several times a day until it is habit. Thank you so much for the advice and inspiration.
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
So let me get this straight. you think the OM is more or less blameless and deserves no consequences for his actions and you are partially to blame for your wife cheating? The OM was and still is, involved with a married woman. I suppose it would be one thing if he had no idea she was married but that wasn't the case. So turning him in would not have been about revenge, it would have illustrated to him that there are consequences for his actions. By you not giving him any, gives him more incentive to do this sort of this to another family. How is that right?
As for your wife, true you owned your share of issues in the marriage but it's all on her for cheating. If she was so unhappy, she could have done other things than engage in an affair. It seems like you are so desperate to save your marriage you are willing to overlook that. She is the one that cheated and she should be doing everything in her power to save the marriage. Certainly doesn't sound like it.
I wish you the best of luck but I daresay you will be back in a short period of time after she finally dumps you and rides off into the sunset with the OM
I agree with dirxml to a certain extent. Yes, I believe your W would have had an A with anyone if not this guy. Because my own W would have done the same. But that shouldn't give OM a blameless pass. He is just as guilty for engaging in an A with a married woman. I believe in consequence, but I am not upset with you for deciding not to turn him in. Just don't think you won some points with yiur W for being the bigger person.
Like you I took half of the blame for my role in the MR, which led to my W having the A. I found out about the A on a Friday morning and by that night after thinking about things all day, I apologized to her for my role in things. Never got am apology for her part. And my W in response contacted OM inviting him to come into town for more sex. WW don't give a damn about you admitting your faults at this point.
If anything she learned that I wasn't going to snap and remain logical, which made her feel even comfortable with the A. Take the blame for your wrongs in the MR. But never take the blame for her decision to habe the A. Because you will find yourself blaming yourself every time she messes with this guy. You need to separate yourself from her behavior, because it has nothing to do with you.
I never took blame for her having an affair. She made the choice, i contributed to the factors that made the environment ripe. That is all i own. The rest is on her.
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
So let me get this straight. you think the OM is more or less blameless and deserves no consequences for his actions and you are partially to blame for your wife cheating? The OM was and still is, involved with a married woman. I suppose it would be one thing if he had no idea she was married but that wasn't the case. So turning him in would not have been about revenge, it would have illustrated to him that there are consequences for his actions. well yes it would have been revenge as GW admitted. But -
3 reasons turning him in is not advised, though I can understand your feelings completely.
1) in GW's situation, HE would be exposed to legal problems, as what he uncovered was not legally obtained and further, GW's threats to expose constituted blackmail.
2) it has been the experience of DBers and MWD's research that exposure and punishing or "showing the consequences" of A is extremely ineffective in ending the affair AND usually has a backfire effect in pushing the affair partners closer together and it fuels the negative narrative about the LBSer being vindictive and bitter. And even if the A ends as a result, the blame against the spouse for "ruining the happiness" the WAS wanted, rarely leads to a reconciliation. In other words, it just does not work or help the situation, (though I can imagine feeling immensely satisfying at the time).
3) Per my DB coach, "it is not the spouse's job to teach a lesson or show the consequences - other than potential divorce related ones. Because Life teaches the lessons, life shows consequences." For me, it's also about conserving MY resources and moving forward in MY life.
This site is aimed at stopping a divorce and promoting reconciliation. It's not easy. And I'm not sure it's statistically likely - but for couples to be here, the odds are already against us.
Actions that reduce the chance of reconciliation are just not part of the approach here.
As for your wife, true you owned your share of issues in the marriage but it's all on her for cheating. If she was so unhappy, she could have done other things than engage in an affair. no one is arguing that she was right to have an affair. GW wants to save his marriage.
Some folks may think that is a bad idea,& I can see their point. But that is why HE is here. Whether he "should" save it really is not on the table.
For GW to declare her wrong some more, serves no purpose.
He either ends the marriage or tries to save it. This site is about saving it.
your approach seems to be throw her out, blackmail the OM or expose him (and to heck with consequences for GW's career) reduce or eliminate the admittedly small chances of a recon and even a cordial r with his wife in the future
but temporarily congratulating himself on how HE showed them!
It seems like you are so desperate to save your marriage you are willing to overlook that. well, obviously. Affairs are never right but they are not all alike.
You sure give GW a big pass, I notice. I won't delve into it anymore but I have to wonder if you really read his thread. It's painfully honest...this A did not happen in a vacuum.
Anyhow, Yes he is willing to overlook it for now, so that he can hope to be the better choice if and when his wife comes out of an affair - an affair with an outcome that is very unlikely to end well for her.
SHOULD he take her back? Not for me to decide but MWD does have some criteria for reconciliation if and when his wife pursues that.
SHE is not here now asking for a recon. If that happens, THEN they will face a daunting challenge called
"piecing" which requires great effort and humility on all parties. It is THEN that GW can set his transparency requirements and list what HIS needs are for them to rebuild.
She is the one that cheated and she should be doing everything in her power to save the marriage. Certainly doesn't sound like it.
SHE does not want to save it..HE Does...
Given that GW wants to stay married and have a restored marriage not a doormat m,
what is it you suggest HE do now? He cannot force her to want to be married, but I'm interested in what you suggest he do, to make it work?
I wish you the best of luck but I daresay you will be back in a short period of time after she finally dumps you and rides off into the sunset with the OM
^^^this is not advice and it is, at best, unhelpful.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree that GW did not likely get brownie points for not telling or turning OM in. His w likely was, at most relieved, and probably upset he even brought it up in the first (and 2nd, and 3rd, etc) time.
But I strongly believe turning OM in would have gone very very poorly for GW.
AND done nothing to assist in the recon. Especially in GWs situation.
But leaving aside that I think it would make things worse, in a lot of ways I just don't get the focus on OPs.
I do not care much about what happens to the OPs. I don't really get the obsessing about them. Obsess about Spouses, yeah, I get that. ( I mean, It's not healthy but I get it. )
But obsess about OPs? OP's are too far beneath the spouses to spend vital energy on.
I have work of my own to do and joys to have, people I care about to see, laughs to share, lots of GAL to do. Never mind the recon for a minute, I mean ME and MY LIFE!
All ^^ that takes physical and psychic and emotional and spiritual energy.
I'm not interested in spending time or energy on the OPs. I swear I just know any OW cannot compete with our marital history, me being the mother of the kids, my skills and intelligence (plus I'm hilarious) and I loved h more deeply and for longer than any OW will or can. No one else can spend 35 years or give h our 3 kids or sacrifice what I did for h.
No comparison. OW's will dwarf in comparison and I guess as long as I know that, the rest is not very important to me.
Maybe that's just what works for me. Maybe I'm only consoling myself.
It just feels like I'd backslide or stay stuck in a downward spiral of pain, if I were to spend my limited emotional resources at the moment, on anything but me and my kids.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Respectfully, saving a marriage at all costs is IMO, a fools errand. I agree that focusing solely on the OM shouldn't be GW's primary focus but I still see nothing wrong with outing him. That would be OM's life experience and a consequence of his actions. But obviously that's up to GW if he decides whether it's worth it or not.
Insofar as saving the marriage, it sounds as if it is incumbent on him to win her back. That her decision to cheat is somehow all on him and he must move heaven and earth to fix this. He is not the one who killed the marriage. He did not break his vows, she did. She should be doing everything in her power to prove to him that she wants this marriage. GW certainly has a role in fixing his role in the marriage; what's her role? At this point, whether he wants to save it is meaningless if she is not interested. I am certainly not saying GW was an angel in the marriage but he did not force her to cheat. His wife could have divorced him, she could have talked to him, she could have left. She did none of those things. Unless agreed to beforehand, there is no acceptable reason to step outside your marriage. She did not GW
