I've been reading here for 4 years. I've recieved so much valuable advice from reading the threads of others. I'll thank the many that came before me in general now and individually as opportunities arise.
My story:
My husband met the OW 4.5 years ago. I believe he was covertly but seriously depressed at the time and she affected him like heroin. He claimed he wanted to keep our marriage, but couldn't give her up. He drank himself to sleep on the nights he was home. He told me he wanted to kill himself when she passive aggressively told him he had to spend his birthday with me and the kids.
I cried, tried to remind him of the good, etc (all the wrong things). I couldn't eat or sleep. I dropped 30 pounds and my coworkers were asking if I had cancer. I read the DB books and started reading the boards in Aug 14. I held on as long as I could.
I asked him to move out in Nov 14 because I had to get away from the pain. He said he knew she wasn't as good as me. He gave me a list of the important ways I was better, but he wouldn't (or couldn't) give her up and he seemed powerless to say no to her increasingly bold demands (like spending the afternoon with him and my children).
We mediated the terms of our separation and started living by them when he left home. I filed for a legal separation when he bought a house in Aug 15. We continue to trust each other in financial matters and neither of us have any fear that the other is plotting against us. We continue to share a joint account and credit card for the kids expenses.
I set a boundary that I don't go to his house and he isn't allowed to come into mine. Except for urgent situations with the kids, I limit my calls or texts to his work hours because it's uncomfortable to talk to him when she's around. His personality seems different.
When his mental health comes up (rarely), he admits to continied depression and anxiety. He says he doesn't sleep. When our D14 started pulling away from him, I asked if he wished he'd made another choice. He was convinced at the time that his relationship with me was bad and he can't go back. I asked if he wants to divorce and he says it might be a good idea to get me out of limbo, but he's never brought it up himself or made a move towards it. He almost never says the OWs name to me. He shows up for the kids and she has never been in tow. I think he's stuck.
As for me, I regained a healthy weight and I sleep fairly well. I'm focused on a good relationship with my kids (D14 and S12) when they're here, and I enjoy hobbies and the company of friends when they aren't. I've had suitors, but I can feel that I'm not ready to give up on my marriage. I feel like I can accept a divorce and be at peace if he wants one, but I don't have any desire to initiate one myself. I still believe that if he finds his way through this that he would be a better choice than what's behind door #3. If he doesn't get through this, I'm okay. You might say that I'm stuck too.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Glad you posted as every situation is so different but shares similarities. Like you, I have been reading for four years and just started posting.
I think I made the decision to post as I needed a reality check after all that time and knew this was the only place where I could express myself and people would hopefully get it. By that I mean that, as Michelle says, friends and family want the best for us and see us as stuck and think that "moving on" is the way forward. Here There is a better understanding of the complexities of the situation and we have shared experiences.
To many people we do appear stuck because they don't know all the intricacies of the marriage. My MLCer has some doozies of behaviour that I never shared with anyone as in the back of my head I didn't want people to know because if we ever did get back together I didn't want his dirty secrets to cloud those relationships. So are you stuck or in a lull?
So, sorry for the rambling. Just welcome. I am not sure how to advise you but others here offer excellent advice. Also, how long have you been together, etc.?
Me-54 H-49 T-1. M-7 BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out OW - 3/13 OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3 OW3 - 8/17 H filed 1/17
Iam so sorry for what you are going through. Seems like you are handling it well. When you love someone its normal that you keep loving them despite what they do (thats unconditional love). I hope it all goes well for the best.
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
Citygrl - I know what you mean about wanting to talk to people who understand. People keep trying to convince me to D and I can't see how that will make anything better. I still love him even if I can't live with who he became after he met her.
Stuck or in a lull? You'd get different answers from me on different days. Some days I feel like I have moved on. I'm planning my future without him, I just don't see myself wanting to marry again.
Other days I'll admit that at least part of me doesn't want to lose to the OW who intentionally and aggressively broke up my family. I already played into her hands when I asked him to move out. Initiating a D would be throwing the game to her. I have no doubts that she'd push him into a marriage. Then my kids would be stuck with her. They tell me stories that don't rise to the level of taking the kids away from him, but that certainly indicate that she isn't good for them.
I also think about him waking up, realizing he made a mistake and working to fix it. That's not moved on at all, and I know it.
I updated my signature line with the facts and dates. I guess the other thing I'd say is that I was his first girlfriend. He never thought anyone liked him before me (not true, but he couldn't see it). He had a self sacrificing view of marriage that lead him to hide his wants and needs and build up resentment. When I had the relationship talk with him a few months back he told me that he thought I should have been giving him what he wanted without his having to tell me what that was. I just listened. When I processed later I didn't see how anyone outside of the honeymoon phase could live up to that standard.
Lovelyp - thank you for stopping by I'll take a look at your thread.
Me 45 H 46 At bomb T 22 M 13 D14 S12
H fell in love 2/14 H moved out 11/14 H bought a house 8/15 Legal sep 9/15, final 12/15 - I filed No moves toward D
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
This is hard to admit. I'm going to say this here hoping that admitting it will help me make it go away.
Do LBSs go through a final depression and withdrawl phase? I get out and look fine on the surface, but underneath I can't stop questioning if I can stand to do this all much longer. I don't feel joy in anything, and after all this time I don't feel like joy or even peace is around the corner. It isn't that I don't think anyone will want me in the future. I've had offers. I just can't see myself trusting someone or enjoying anything or anyone in the future. It makes me feel guilty when someone likes me. It makes me want to avoid meeting new people.
I want to get away from my feelings but I know that it would be horrible for the children if I were to end it on purpose. I feel like my only escape is closed to me. I think constantly about writing a trust to transfer the house to a financial guardian and picking dangerous GAL activities in the hopes that there will be an accident.
My children are teenagers and I've spoken with other mothers who are going through something similar to grief at this stage. My work is very stressful currently. I would like to free myself from that too, but I'm not ready to retire. So either of those things could cause this feeling too.
So I'm struggling and I hope I can make this feeling go away.
Me 45 H 46 At bomb T 22 M 13 D14 S12
H fell in love 2/14 H moved out 11/14 H bought a house 8/15 Legal sep 9/15, final 12/15 - I filed No moves toward D
In my opinion, you're so seriously depressed that you should go see a doctor immediately and get treatment for your depression. Everything else can wait.
This feeling has also shown me the way to more empathy for my H. If he felt this way (and I think he did, or worse), of course he needed to get away. He was never trying to hurt me, he needed to save himself. It may not be any better where he is now, but he couldn't see another path.
Me 45 H 46 At bomb T 22 M 13 D14 S12
H fell in love 2/14 H moved out 11/14 H bought a house 8/15 Legal sep 9/15, final 12/15 - I filed No moves toward D
