Question: it's not me, it's you - perspectives?

[Anchor]

Been mulling this over in my mind due to being confronted by how loved up WH is with OW, despite him pulling some of the same stunts he did with me.

What I mean by 'stunts' - general inepititude around organisation (I know he lost one set of her car keys - yes he's driving her car), and reliance on her to help him with his work. The latter used to drive me crazy because I was responsible for so much in our shared life, and on top of everything he asked me for help with his work when I was super busy with mine. I did it for years because I loved him and wanted him to be happy, but after baby, cancer, medically necessary abortion, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and a return to full time work, I just couldn't hack it and got increasingly annoyed when he asked me for help with yet another typing up a report or helping him with another spreadsheet. I started telling him he needed to sort his own sh!t out because I was having problems sorting mine out and apparently that was unloving and unsupportive. I admit I must have been angry in my delivery of the message and towards the end there was a fair amount of contempt.

Thing is, OW doesn't seem to mind all this extra work he brings. She's helping him so much with his work even though she has a similar job with even more responsbilities than he does. They've been together 16 months now, living together for most of it. I keep expecting her to get fed up and tell him to grow up and handle things, but she keeps giving and giving. In fact I would say she goes above and beyond. Is she able to be so devoted because they're a good match - i.e. he needs a lot of help and she likes helping? She is able to prioritise his needs and wants above hers, or rather, prioritising him is her natural priority, and therefore she's deserving of my man and I am not?

I am wondering - did he leave because of ME and only me? Will he be faithful and the husband I always wanted, but for her, because she's 'right' for him?

I don't know why I am asking really. Detaching is really hard and I can't let go of thinking of them and how happy they are. He's already planning their Christmas holiday. In a way, I guess, if the feedback is that there is such a thing as a 'soul mate' and I simply wasn't his and he can be a better man with her because she's quite simply a better woman for him, then it both hurts more and less at the same time. Hurts more because I made a mistake and lost so many years over this mistake (marrying him, believing in him), and hurts less because at least the mistake is being corrected.

I would be interested to hear from people who's WS returned and explained what happened in their time away, or any WS themselves - have seen one courageous enough to brave this board - insights into your thinking would be so appreciated. And of course, anyone who has walked in these very painful shoes. Anyone, really.

[joejoe1]

2016sux,

This is my opinion, and I mean my opinion. There is no such thing as a soulmate. Love is a choice. People can choose to love you are not. When problems arise, some people try to escape reality with you are not my soulmate, we are not meant to be.

Your H seems like a very selfish person, and you got tired of holding him down, so he went and found a person that would put up with his antics.

You should keep DBing, and if I was you I would stop worrying about what he is doing. In my opinion you didn't make a mistake by telling him he needs to do his own work. You made the right call. You have had a lot of issues with your health. This is a question for you, do you really won't a person that give you so much stress in your life? You sound like an amazing women and deserve a amazing man in your life.