WW had EA in 2010 and went full NC 8 months later. Pieced for the most part the last 7 years. Ran into a brief hiccup last year(2016) with renewed contact with OM #1 because I had slipped back to my old ways and my GAL from 2010 didn't last but then she went back to NC. I thought I had been the attentive romantic husband until 5/2/17 when WW said "we should separate for awhile so I can clear my head. I don't know if I want to be married anymore." She asked me to go stay at my parents house as she has no immediate family here. I immediately refused and told her "you want to separate and potentially divorce...the door is right there and your free to use it because I'm not leaving". Lived under the same roof(she mostly slept on the couch) until late June when I confronted her about her drinking. Apparently when you hold someone accountable for their actions your "mean". She went to stay with good family friends for awhile because she "can't live under the same roof" with me.
After a few days I tracked her to a bar in the afternoon where she was sitting intimately close to another man. I took pictures with my phone. Then not my proudest moment I poured a glass of water on her head. She filed a report with the police however no charges were filed. She and my daughters went to AZ to visit her FIL which she has a very strained relationship with. Upon their return I stayed at my parents house for a couple weeks. Mid July I spent the weekend at the house and we drank a little wine and ML the first night I was there. That Sunday she said things weren't back to normal I agreed and went back to my parents house.
Her Uncle came for a visit and the day he left I went to the house to talk and help with some household tasks while my WW worked in her home office. We ate dinner together and noticed that our Golden Retriever wasn't outside with us. He was very sick and had encountered a few episodes leading up this day. He eventually passed away while my WW and I were comforting him. WW had a lot to drink and semi passed out on the couch.
I took advantage of the situation and grabbed her phone. Found that she had been texting 2 new OM's saying things like "I just need to get away from Raysd6" "My daughters are driving me crazy and I don't want to be around them". I confronted her and in no uncertain terms told her to "pack your #@*! and get the %&#@ out". She did and I returned to the house where I have been ever since.
She returned briefly for about 7 days because she was getting bad migraines and needed to sleep in her bed. She got drunk at an after funeral party and decided to hang out with extended family members half her age at a bar. I told her I'm done and I Uber'd home. Extended family returned her the next morning and she pretty much slept all day. A couple days later I got into her phone and discovered text exchange with OM from a couple weeks ago about how "we should get naked and work all this out physically" she replied "that might be the answer". Needless to say I was upset so I confronted her the next morning about some of her spending habits. She said "you and I are done" complaining about the "mean" texts I sent her. Came home from work and her and all her stuff was gone. I Group texted her and OM "If she does it to someone else she'll do it to you" "Once a cheater always a cheater" I also texted her a screen capture of the graphic exchange with OM.
My GAL activities: Running, gym, guitar, dressing nice, surfing, socializing with friend, IC, church, spending time with family
She's been staying at a friends house for the last two and a half weeks to "clear her head" and is scheduled to return 9/5/17. She expects me to return to my parents house for a week on week off at the house living arrangement. Since I've done nothing wrong, I don't feel that I should be the one to leave.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
The other question I have is should I capitulate and stay at my parents on a week on week off basis?
I don't feel that I should be the one to leave the house considering:
1) I didn't go outside the marriage multiple times for comfort and validation from the opposite sex. 2) I'm not the one who wants the divorce
WW thinks it should be me to leave since I have a place to stay and she doesn't. She'll turn it around on me by saying "you have a place to stay for free, I don't". I don't want to keep her from our DD's but it's really not my problem that she wants out of the marriage.
The other crazy thing is I don't really want D but yet I'm doing all the leg work (researching mediators, trying to schedule appts, filling out the filing paperwork, etc).
Me:"So when I hear you say "I love you but I'm not in love with you" What I really hear is "I did unloving things, but telling you ‘I love you’ makes me feel better about them.”"
WW response the next morning: WW: "What you said last night really affects me emotionally..." WW: "I need to heal myself and you are doing more damage I don't want any texts unless it's an emergency Or important information about the girls" Me: "I'm not the bad guy so stop treating me like I am" WW: "I need a break from all the talking " Me: "Marriage and family?" WW: "yes"
WW texted me last night asking for her Dad's phone number so I sent it to her. No "thank you" or anything.
So I sent her the following text last night: "Don't take my friendship for granted...you still have to earn my friendship back"
Awaiting the impending 2x4's from the vet's on this wonderful board
The other question I have is should I capitulate and stay at my parents on a week on week off basis?
I don't feel that I should be the one to leave the house considering:
1) I didn't go outside the marriage multiple times for comfort and validation from the opposite sex. 2) I'm not the one who wants the divorce
WW thinks it should be me to leave since I have a place to stay and she doesn't. She'll turn it around on me by saying "you have a place to stay for free, I don't". I don't want to keep her from our DD's but it's really not my problem that she wants out of the marriage.
The other crazy thing is I don't really want D but yet I'm doing all the leg work (researching mediators, trying to schedule appts, filling out the filing paperwork, etc).
WW: I’ve been doing some thinking and I’ve decided that since I’m not the one who went outside the marriage multiple times with different men for comfort and validation that I should not be the one to leave the house or the marital bed. Therefore, you’re perfectly welcome to return on Sep 5th and sleep on the couch. The fact that you have no place to stay is not my problem as you are the one who wants to tear apart the family and end the marriage.
Furthermore, I don't do divorce therefore YOU will need to figure out how to end the marriage and tear apart the family on your own. Here is a financial breakdown of income and debt and what you'll get in spousal and child support. This will be the last voluntary act I provide you with regarding divorce.
Hmmmm.. I feel like a lot of texting is going on than might be needed.
But, I like the last text about you staying in the house and MBR, but I think it's too long. Here is my take:
"I am not leaving the house as I did not ask for this separation/divorce. You are welcome to sleep on the couch on Sept 5th. The fact that you have no other place to stay is not my problem. If you want a divorce, I will not stand in your way, but that is not a solution to our marital problems."
Leave out everything else and don't do any more leg work on the divorce paperwork. Don't tell her what she's getting or not getting. Let her do that work.
