Leah, part 5

[leahsue]

Starting a new thread here. And I'm doing it without having to ask how AGAIN.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2752276#Post2752276

I've been sick with sinus infection the last few days, but on the mend for sure. So I'm just catching up with the latest posts to my thread. I agree with you who say a long distance relationship is not going to work for us. If we decide to R, I will be the one who goes where he is, because he is the one who works. I'll be OK with that under certain conditions- such as we don't continue to live in the "revolving door apartment that felt like a hotel, and probably now would feel like an all-male, man-cave, weird revolving door hotel. I do know he's put up a dart board. Lovely. Plus, too many painful memories there from the week of BD. We are both over paying the high price for the amazing view of NYC. What we could live in for the same money further inland wouldn't even compare. His new office has an entire glass wall with the view of Statue of Liberty, Tower One, etc. I need a house that I can build a new home in for the two of us. ALL of that is if we R. And that is non-negotiable for me. As well as a way down the road. I'm not there yet, even if he IS.

Here's a new twist. H, his son, and son's BFF (yes, the one who currently is "staying" in the man cave with H) were supposed to drive to AL next Thursday after work to H's brother's place, for an annual "guys weekend". H calls this afternoon and asks if I will consider his taking next week off and flying down early (like this Saturday) and spend the week here, then just drive over to B's farm for the guy thing. He was very respectful when he asked, and said if I already have plans he can stay with his sister. He also asked if I have found a dentist here. I said yes, one I really like- why? do you need to see one? He said yes, it's time for a cleaning and I'd like to have it done while I'm there. He also said he's worried that he has a brain tumor, because he's had some headaches this week, forgot two people's name today, and stumbled twice, plus he gets dizzy. (Ya think?) Now granted, these are legit concerns, and I said he should just go and get checked out so he doesn't let worry take front seat in his life. (All this was before he asked to visit next week.) So then he said, maybe I should come down there to get this checked out. I just laughed and said, what? you trust the Alabama doctors more than the NYC ones??? I thought he must be kidding. But he wasn't. He's always been weird about hearing the symptoms of a disease that someone else is dealing with, and saying "I think I might have that too!!!", and we've always just laughed it off- like, REALLY? But I honestly think he believes something is wrong with him. (His sister did pass away 2 years ago at age 48 from cancer that started as melanoma, 13 years prior, and she fought a long, courageous battle to the end, eventually dying from brain cancer.)

So I told him I'm OK with his coming, and I would help him with doctors, etc., but that I was not OK with his hiding his being here from his family. (Which I don't see how he could have, anyway, since he'd be driving his work truck to his B's farm, and everyone knows it stays here at my house)- but for God's sake, I'm still his wife, and even if he doesn't know answers to questions yet that will inevitably come, I won't be a "secret". He seemed surprised that I thought he would hide it. And agreed it would be foolish.

Evidently he has 3-4 weeks of vacation time left to use b4 the end of the year, and the office move from temp space to new space will take place in October, so it makes sense he won't be able to be away much, later in the year.

Do I sound like I'm trying to convince myself that it's OK for him to come back this soon? I think I am. Maybe I'm looking for someone to say- what would you have given for this back in February or March??? Isn't this what you wanted? The last visit was so magical, that I think deep inside I'm afraid this visit won't measure up or something...... IDK- not ME, but just the time together. But he did make the comment during last visit that he knows in a real world our time together can't always feel like that week.

He was going to check flights after we hung up, and I told him to let me know soon, since I had some options for the holiday weekend, and I did not intend to be left with no plans if he decided not to come.

Anyway, I guess I'm just putting my thoughts out there, trying to sort through my feelings. I wish I had known this new development when I saw my IC this morning. I don't want to say it's too soon, but it might be too soon.

[EastTN]

I don't have any grand insight here, but (((hugs)))

[Thornton]

I've been where you are, twice.

Both times we fell right into the honeymoon stage and it was incredible. Awesome sex, dancing, exploring new places. We were like two teeanagers in heat.

The problem is that the honeymoon period doesn't last and the issues reappear, like clock work.

You need to be VERY honest with yourself. Have the issues that drove you apart been resolved? It's so easy to start justifying things in your mind and stop looking at the negatives because you just want to feel loved again. Pain free and back in love.

I did this twice and both times ended up here. We still had the same issues.

I'm pulling for you, Leah. Just be very cautious with your feelings and try to keep them in check. Because if you are anything like me, it's so easy to convince myself that things will be different.

Hamg in there, I see some positives in your sitch!

[OwnIt]

Wow, this is Thornton's topic for sure. I'm all for another fun week, but then I think the serious stuff needs to start happening or you will be where Thornton says.

I'm glad that fool is beginning to see there is only one Leah. I like that he's trying to tell you that the important business of his life is in Alabama and that he needs your support for these things.

[Treasur]

It sounds as if your gut is waving a red flag at you, Leah. And as if your H has jumped pretty quickly into wanting you to be a 'fixer' (was this a pattern in your M?)

Maybe break down the issues and look at the priorities for YOU irrespective of what he wants. All the wisdom here seems to suggest that keeping some detachment and going slow is key.

[leahsue]

H called last night to say good night, and said he needed to check meeting schedule this morning then book a flight, if that was OK, and he would let me know "early", if that was not too late. I said OK.

Well, this morning I hear nothing. And I'm feeling very uncomfortable about it. So I decided to give it until noon, and I had written out a text that said- since I haven't heard from you, I'm going ahead with my own plans for the holiday and next week. If you still come down early and stay with your sister (!), I'll be glad to see if I can get you an appointment with my dentist. I hope you're feeling better today.

I was sitting on the floor by the door to my garden, watching it pour down rain, and the thought kept coming to me.... this is where you teach him how you will and won't be treated......

I knew this could go one of two ways- either he would ignore the text and just not come, or he would respond quickly. About then I get this text from my D31 with this poem, saying READ THIS. (She knew nothing about my indecision, although we talked at length last night about his asking to visit so soon.)

LOVE AFTER LOVE
Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

I. HIT. SEND.

In less than 2 seconds he called, freaking out. He's been in meetings all morning, hasn't had a chance to book a flight, is it too late, etc.
I just said, H, my time is as important to me as yours is to you, and I feel you are being disrespectful of my time. He said I know, I know, have you already made other plans? And if so, can I just do them with you? I said I still have my options open, but no, you can't do them with me b/c that would just be weird. He realized I was talking about another PERSON. (Which I was- I have an invitation for a date to the Auburn game.) He got all weird then, and said Ohhhh........ well it seems like you'd rather keep those plans so I just won't come. I said OK. Then he said, well have you already agreed to those plans? Can you give me an hour to check things and book a flight? I said OK, I'll wait an hour, but just text me b/c I have plans for this afternoon and tonight (& I do- my ladies card game!!!- can't wait!).

Less than 30 minutes later he texts and says he's booked a flight to arrive Saturday afternoon.

I'm SO proud of myself for keeping a boundary, when my "inside little girl" was saying, but just wait it out and see if he comes..... At least now he knows I'm not always going to be sitting here waiting. I feel much better about the visit now.

I feel some hard conversations coming this next week, but it's time.

[Tread]

Good job!!!! Sounds like learned a real good listen. Interesting to see how quick he made things happen when he thought he was getting kicked tithe curb. Keep it up and he may get his act together in no time.

[leahsue]

Just a quick update while I have a few alone minutes.

H's trip is ongoing. He got here 8 days ago. He was due to fly out tonight, but decided (with no input from me except to ask if I was OK with it) to cancel his return to NJ and ride out this hurricane with me. He has worked all week on the house, building things, re-modeling things, and most recently, moving all patio furniture inside, getting generator prepared, etc. (Although we are probably only looking at some strong wind tomorrow. I'm earnestly praying for all our DB people in FL!)

As far as my feelings, I have found myself in a whole new range of emotions. Things I was told might happen to LBS, but never thought I would feel. I've been honest with him about my struggle, so I'm probably not fully DB'ing right now. But I've also said to him as recently as last night, that I will never live my life with ANYONE without full transparency. Your secrets will kill you.

So I'm not sure where we are right now. I have the long-standing appointment still set with attorney this coming Wednesday, and I'm not sure what I will do.

I feel today, that I am like the people right now in Naples, FL. In the midst of the calm eye of the storm, but looking for more wind and rain coming shortly.

Prayers and karma to everyone out there in the path of the storms, both literally and figuratively.

[25yearsmlc]

good for you, Leah.

I'm glad he's staying for that "little rain" -- dang girl, that's rough. The last night we lived in Auburn, we had a tornado. Yes it sounded like a train. I had just finished college and h was done with veterinary school, and we lived in a mobile home (you know how tornados love those).

We had sold it already and somehow it remained intact.

Anyway, keep at it, you really have made progress.

(( ))

[25yearsmlc]

ps

maybe you don't have to share each passing emotion with him, at least till you know if they are lasting.

You are in an emotional tornado and I wonder if keeping some of this to yourself is wiser for now. Those emotional winds are blowing.

hang in there and be safe