My friend just found a pic of him and OW on Facebook from yesterday. My heart is racing. I don't know what to do.
daisy, Another similar aspect to our stories. I had just also found a picture of him and OW on social media. I feel like H knows I might see this pic and doesn't even care, so add another notch to the hurt tally. You're not crazy for wanting your H back even after what he's done. Up until a few weeks ago, as far as you were concerned, you were in a committed marriage. With that being said, you have to take his actions at face value. I think because you're open to sex, he's going to continue with you and OW. Think of all of the potential consequences of that scenario. IMHO, not good. You can still want your H, but at this point, he's not showing you anything to make yo believed he'd like to reconcile. You have to DB, for your own sanity. If it's meant to be, he'll realize what he's losing and come back. In my posting, I asked you about selling the house because it seemed like he was on the road to moving on and you were waiting for him to come to his senses and come home. Doesn't mean you won't reconcile, it just doesn't seem like that's happening anytime soon. Take care of yourself and your kids. Continue to read DB, GAL and try to detach as much as possible.
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Did you confront your H about the picture? I still have not confronted him about it. I feel like I should. I don't want to contact the OW, however. I've decided against it.
I didn't so much confront as say I knew this was happening. He didn't deny it because he rationalizes that because he's gone and already filed (not served) that he's free to do as he pleases. This person didn't just fall out of the sky one day and they are in a happy R now. It may have been an EA previously and as soon as he left turned to a PA. Since that first pic, there have been others and I didn't confront. I already have my answer and I don't need to create more chaos for myself w/ that type of convo. It's hard to say not to confront, you're human. I would just watch how you do it.
Yesterday, he did not see me or the kids at all and didn't reach out to them. I know he was with her all day. I blew up at him over text - told him he not acting like himself, he's totally disengaged with his family, he loves us and leaves us and it's getting really old. He never responded.
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Today I saw him and I spoke to him with love and understanding. He opened up to me again and told me that he was looking into a psychiatrist to help with his potential bipolar issues. He also told me he just got an apartment. That hurt to hear. He also said that I was absolutely right in the text I wrote yesterday and it wasn't fair. He says he feels like a POS and feels so guilty about what he's doing.
Until he starts seeing a psychiatrist and receives a proper diagnosis, this can't be the excuse. If he does go, there may be some hope. Keep that in the back of your mind and let him do what he needs to do, even if that means getting an apt. With a proper diagnosis and medication, things may change at that point
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Then, the conversation turned a bit and he kept talking about his potential mental illness and asked why did no one notice that he wasn't well all these years. Asked why are the kids mad at him and ignoring him now, but never got mad or ignored me when "I was terrible to him". I validated what he said with "that must be frustrating to feel that way" or "I'm sure that makes you feel hurt".
Sounds like he's trying to guilt you and make you feel sorry for him. As infuriating as it might be, all you can do is validate.
When he left, he hugged me and thanked me for listening to him. Of course he left to go be with her. I feel like I am sitting idle and enabling this affair by not telling him what I know and how it's making me feel.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
Not to quibble, but I don't know about them "all being bipolar" at all. When that term is used loosely its more of an excuse than being selfish, dishonest and very entitled.
Plus it's a real mental illness that requires an MD to diagnose and treat.
Daisy,
I'm so sorry for the social media crap. I really know it hurts. A self protective step you can take, is to block him from social media big time. Seriously. It's the one healthy thing I can point to that I've done that has protected me from undue pain and suffering. (Thank God).
No, I have not said a word to h. (We are not in contact).
But - What is there to say? Our mutual friends and family saw the pics. Some reached out to me. Not impressed with h. My h is not very self aware.
The photos (which he posted) speak for themselves, and yes, our children saw them as well. I think that is why H has not been in contact - either angers at the kids or h is embarrassed and historically h reacts to guilt or embarrassment by lashing out or hiding. No contact since.
If your h posted them, that is Not a mixed signal. It is Major cake eating with a side dish of humiliation.
And in truth, he is embarrassing himself, not you. Easy to say, I know.
But step back a minute to see that objectively. Ask yourself what you would think of a h of one of your friends if they posted that. Would you say "Oh, good for him! NOW he's happy"??
Or would you shake your head in disbelief and see him as the cliche he is?
IF OW posted it, then she's declared herself publicly.
I'd withdraw until you know what you want to do. Stay private or there will be misguided judgments and your kids could be exposed to some painful things.
I wonder if you can tell your h "oh h, I saw the FB posts, like all of our friends and family. So You need to leave the house as soon as I get home. We can email anything regarding the kids ." The ML has to stop for now. (He won't forget it.)
Take your time about your next step. Don't do it as a knee jerk reaction to his behavior.
Figure out whether you want to share this path with him.
Again, i'm so sorry.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Unfortunately, I am back. H came home after about a month of being apart. He moved home because he wanted to work on our marriage. He saw me moving on and it freaked him out. He broke it off with OW and went NC. They were living together for 3 or so weeks.
Last week, she called him from another number to tell him she was pregnant. This has put our R in complete jeopardy and she has given him an ultimatum - if he doesn't not leave me, she will move back to the state she was originally living in and he will not be able to see the baby. He doesn't want to be a deadbeat dad and feels since our kids are "old enough" (they are 12 and 14), and I am a stable person - everything will be okay.
He has seen her a few times since she gave him this news. The details of the pregnancy seem fishy, but he is adamant she is pregnant and has not pushed her for more details, because he's scared she'll leave with the baby.
I am at my wit's end. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am pushing him away again with all the questions and conversations about this.
________________________ M: 35 H: 36 M: Together 16 years; M 6 S14, D12 BD: 8/11 H Moved Out: 8/13 PA confirmed: 9/2 H Back Home: 9/27 OW Says she's pregnant/R on hold: 10/12
Last week, she called him from another number to tell him she was pregnant. This has put our R in complete jeopardy and she has given him an ultimatum - if he doesn't not leave me, she will move back to the state she was originally living in and he will not be able to see the baby. He doesn't want to be a deadbeat dad and feels since our kids are "old enough" (they are 12 and 14), and I am a stable person - everything will be okay.
First, I'm very sorry you're having to deal with this news, especially when you just started piecing! My suggestion is sit down with your H and ask him how he pictures life looking with OW and this new kid. You want to get that out in the open ASAP. Right now you don't know what he has in mind, maybe he just wants to see the kid now and then or maybe he wants to have two different families. Wouldn't that be the ultimate cake-eating. I think you need to get it out in the open so you can decide how to address it.
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The details of the pregnancy seem fishy, but he is adamant she is pregnant and has not pushed her for more details, because he's scared she'll leave with the baby.
Fishy as in she may not be pregnant, or as in it may not be his?
