Hello to everyone, and I am sad to even have to come here. Here is my background and story My STBX and I married almost 10 years ago, but we had been together for 11. We have 2 children, a six and 1 year old. I was raised by a perfectionist, and was usually emotionally closed off. She has always had self esteem issues and anxiety. Our marriage has had issues for years, with her saying she felt trapped or thought we should separate, but the next day would email and say how much she loved our life. In fact she told me she loved our life 3 days before saying we needed to separate.
We decided to sell the house, and we worked out a pro se separation agreement. We told my parents, and after that she said she wanted to stay with me and support me when I told her I was going to go to therapy. A week later, she said she did not want me moving into the apartment she got, after the house sold. The day I moved in, she told my daughter, I cant wait for the house to sell so daddy can move in and we can be a family. 2 weeks into her moving out, she said she did not want to try. She said she felt she could breathe again. She was enjoying time to herself. She said that I could not give her what she needs (loving and nurturing, motivated. She said if I was, why did it take so long? It was too late) but therapy has done a 180 on me.) She agreed to meet our pastor, and at that meeting he asked if she wanted me to be her husband anymore, and she said no. During that time, the basically 6 weeks this had started, she did not want to talk about our emotions. I would try and draw them out of her and she would get angry…BUT, she would also in those moments give hints about what it was that was hurting her. She felt like she was always trying to move forward, and I had no motivation to do so. When in reality, I valued the stability I brought to the relationship compared to her unpredictability (switching jobs every few years, etc).
She kept telling me through therapy I would realize she was not the woman for me. She said she wanted a divorce because we aren’t compatible, but was giving me time to come to the same conclusion. I got a copy of the book and read it. Stopped with I love yous, attempted hugs, basically backed off. A week later she called at work and said she had been thinking. She joined a singles group and was thinking how awkward it would be to tell someone who she was still married, and wanted divorce right now. I told her how much I loved her, but that I did not want to see her in pain, so I would give her the divorce. A few days later, I was invited for Coffee on Sunday. I thought something might have changed. Nope, she handed me the papers. She is trying to be very conciliatory, because she feels really guilty, but says she has been unhappy for years, but I never did anything to change myself.
In the mean time I have been in therapy, joined a men’s club at my church, attend church regularly, got healthy and fit (lost 15lbs), and basically working on my PIES.
We still talk fairly regularly because of selling the house and storage unit and the kids. We just had a joint birthday party and I helped her move a piano (from the house we are selling to the apartment. My daughter takes piano lessons)
I found her Tinder profile the other day. She was supposed to help decorate w/ my daughter but she was all dressed up and said she was meeting a friend. As she walked out the door, I said have fun on Tinder. She was not happy. Said it was rude and disrespectful, and how did I even know. I said her behavior had been suspicious, and as my daughter swiped pics on her phone I caught a glance of a pic that looked like a profile pic, so I investigated. She said she already met a divorced guy who gave her great advice. A few days later, she and I actually rode together for her to help me move, I apologized for bringing it up in such a way. She said she understood, and actually got off tinder bc she saw how much it hurt me. We still don’t have a hearing for our divorce. She said her mistake was asking for separation instead of divorce. She says nothing can ever make her change her mind. But I /KNOW/ my wife, and know there is conflict inside her. I /KNOW/ she doesn’t believe in divorce and that this is very hard on her. Is there anything that I can do at this point to make her see what she will be missing? Right now she is filling the nights I have the kids (every other night) with activities, doing things I always encouraged her to do, but she never did. Now she is pretty healthy and fit, and /seems/ happier, but I know her mind pretty well. Everyone tells me give her time and she will flip flop again, but she says she has drawn a hard line. She says she doesn’t trust me with her heart that things will be different, and doesn’t want to put our kids through this again.
Any advice will be welcome.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for the advice. I have begun reading these. I have not read DB but I have read TDR. still at a loss on how to bring this back.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
I find myself cycling through the grief process quite often. Often coming to acceptance, then back to anger.
I feel like I have been too helping in this situation and allowed her to lead.
I actually just asked her to take the kids one night, since I have taken them 2x for her, and allowed her to basically have fun. Now it is my turn.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Definitely. I have DR, and I have been reading it over and over. I did make the mistake of sending her an excerpt from the website one day. She said she read the whole page in like 8 minutes. Don't think she actually did.
She has tried to make herself very clear. And I know she feels guilty about all this. She feels like she broke up the family. My daughter asked me just this morning what DATE we were getting divorced (She is 6). I told her I don't know the date. She said YAY. Maybe you and mommy won't get divorced for a year, and can get back together.
I struggle so hard in those times, because I want to say I hope so, or something encouraging, but instead I simply tell her I love her, and that is all that matters to me.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Well, I found out yesterday that she filed a motion to modify the separation into a divorce. Since this was uncontested, I will probably be divorced in a month.
Just as I thought I was starting to make piece with this, my world gets shattered once again.
I am trying so hard not to go down a destructive path, but it is very difficult not to right now.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Thanks Cadet. I am trying to lower my expectations, and relegate our relationship to nothing more than being coparents. I am trying to GAL and focus on me. My emotions cycle a lot, so it is pretty hard.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Our marriage has had issues for years, with her saying she felt trapped or thought we should separate, but the next day would email and say how much she loved our life. In fact she told me she loved our life 3 days before saying we needed to separate.
She's clearly confused and probably going through a lot of turmoil right now, and that is actually normal for a WAS. You have to give her time and space and work on yourself. You do have a good shot at recon, but it's going to take much longer than you're probably expecting. You need a ton of patience.
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A week later, she said she did not want me moving into the apartment she got, after the house sold. The day I moved in, she told my daughter, I cant wait for the house to sell so daddy can move in and we can be a family. 2 weeks into her moving out, she said she did not want to try.
That's actually OK, often a WAS needs separation to work things through and feel like there's no pressure.
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She said she felt she could breathe again. She was enjoying time to herself. She said that I could not give her what she needs (loving and nurturing, motivated. She said if I was, why did it take so long? It was too late)
Again this is very typical. Read the thread on validation, you need to give her validation whenever she says things like this. Validation is NOT explaining/ reasoning/ arguing/ convincing/ defending it's simply seeking to understand her feelings and acknowledge them.
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She agreed to meet our pastor, and at that meeting he asked if she wanted me to be her husband anymore, and she said no.
You need to remove all pressure from her. No pastors intervening, no marriage counseling, no long talks about how things will be better, no talking to her friends and family and asking them to "have a talk" with her. None of that. Pull back, give her time and space.
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A few days later, I was invited for Coffee on Sunday. I thought something might have changed. Nope, she handed me the papers. She is trying to be very conciliatory, because she feels really guilty, but says she has been unhappy for years, but I never did anything to change myself.
It's far too soon to expect anything to change. PATIENCE. The D may very well have to go through, but that doesn't mean it's over.
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As she walked out the door, I said have fun on Tinder. She was not happy. Said it was rude and disrespectful, and how did I even know.
Yeah that was a very passive/aggressive thing to do. If you felt you needed to confront her then confront her, don't throw out sarcastic comments expecting anything good to come of it.
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We still don’t have a hearing for our divorce. She said her mistake was asking for separation instead of divorce. She says nothing can ever make her change her mind. But I /KNOW/ my wife, and know there is conflict inside her. I /KNOW/ she doesn’t believe in divorce and that this is very hard on her.
That is all very true. But there is nothing YOU can do about it except give her time and space and make yourself the best -you- that you can be.
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Is there anything that I can do at this point to make her see what she will be missing?
Yes, remove all pressure. Follow the DB'ing guidelines- get out, GAL, dress better, get in the best shape of your life, focus on your kids, leave her alone. Make yourself attractive again. Desperate and needy is NOT attractive!
