I don't know where to start. But I can say me and my W have been married for 2 years. During last holiday season we/her decided to take a 3 month separation to find herself. She got involved in an emotional affair with a OM. She moved back in after the holiday season and I tried to change my behavior to show her I actually wanted us to work. Things from her end seemed to stay the same. She seemed disenchanted and uninterested in our relationship. We separated again for the month of July. When we came back together; and she dropped the bomb 2 weeks ago. We have been only intimate 2 times in the past 6 months, and only a few more times within the past 18 months.
Now that I have read DB and other marriage/relationship books, along with other articles; I understand more and more of "what went wrong" and how our actions fed off each other. That doesn't help now obviously, but what I am doing is starting my LRT/180 journey. She has moved out, and since she dropped the bomb, we have spoke twice and saw each other twice (the last time we spoke was 8/16). I am doing dark...but I cannot stand not saying anything to her. How long do I need to wait to reach out or wait for her too?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Can you provide us more details? do you have any kids? What went wrong? What behavior did she say you need to change? Why did she say is was disenchanted or not interested?
We are both young (30/28). Met in college and have been together for about 9 years (married 2). We hold a great friendship with each other as well as our families. No kids.
She has told me that she needs more intimacy (both through open communication on a deeper level as well as sexually). We used to be sexually active prior to marriage and I do remember feeling "connected" on an emotional level prior to marriage as well. I am saying I remember b/c the comments and concerns she shared about us (disenchanted/not interested) started after marriage.
For some reason we stopped having intercourse because I felt I would always initiate it or was rejected multiple times. This put up my guard as not confident as well as wondering if she still found me attractive. Basically this sent me downhill. I have also become a shell of who I was when we met and were courting. I have become very submissive in our relationship. This has caused me to become co-dependent.
I am realizing all of these things now that she dropped the bomb, and stuff is real now. It was my mistake for not looking into these forums and books during our trial separation. Now, it seems I am hanging on by a thread.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I can definitely understand the sex portion. There would be many a night in which I would try to initiate, and would feel rejected when it wasn't reciprocated.
I think really, I should have just chaulked it up to other things because we had a good sex life at one point, but really I think it was the communication breakdown that was the root of it.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
I have just finished the DB book, and and am buying the Remedy book today. We currently are living apart, so we do not look at each others history; but duly noted.
Since the separation and discussions have started; trying to think back, I believe I would be initiating the make up; because she was the one discussing how I was not giving her enough. So yes, I was the one who would "make the first move". Although usually I never felt it back from her. Mostly because I was not expressing what actions would make my feel 'loved'.
Ok, so to do the 180; I will remain dark. It is hard. It has been a week since she texted me last.
Yes, the lack of sex was defiantly the product of other aspects in our relationship. The lack of communication is killing me. But I know in order for a chance to make it better, I need to continue to LRT (and 180).
So my main concern right now is if my W texts or calls me; knowing her she might say something to the effect of..."Wow I can't believe you haven't called or texted me?" or "Why haven't you contact me, I can see you really don't care about us anymore"... something to that effect.
What is a good validated response I can provide her. We are seriously best friends before all of this. Even when she had the BD conversation, a few days later (last Monday) I had her over to go over all of our finances and bill, etc. B/c she took care of everything. I wanted to make sure; now that she moved out I had everything under control.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/31/1701:41 AM. Reason: Combine posts
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
"I hope you had a good couple of days; are you ready to move forward with filling? I've been thinking about you and how this whole thing just [censored]. I wish we wouldn't have gotten to this point but i feel like it's better for both of us to move on. You deserve the world."
"I hope you had a good couple of days; are you ready to move forward with filling? I've been thinking about you and how this whole thing just [censored]. I wish we wouldn't have gotten to this point but i feel like it's better for both of us to move on. You deserve the world."
