This is my first post after lurking on this forum for a while. Sorry for the long story about to follow - but it's been a long time in the making.
H and I have known each other since we were 4. We had what everybody, including me, believed was a fantastic marriage. Lots of positive affirmation, lots of laughter, respect and exciting lives. H then decided to change careers, from an aviation engineer to a pilot. He got his licence in record time, then used his contacts to move into a first officer job working on private jets. That didn't come without a lot of late nights, hard work, financial outlay (funded by me) and stress. Lots of adrenaline. Lots and lots of stress.
I think the combination of cortisol and sleep deprivation took its toll, and H became depressed. He became uncommunicative (he was never good at this anyway) and moody. He still told me he loved me, missed me and wanted me. I knew there was something wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. I just put it down to the stress of working towards H's monumental achievements.
I was not always patient with being put on the back burner for long periods of time though. I would try to broach conversations about not always pushing the kids and me to the back - finding a way to help us feel valued in a life that revolved entirely around H and his ambitions. These conversations were not always low key and pleasant. I admit, when I get frustrated, disappointed, jerked around and blown off I get sharp and sarcastic. I must've done it once too often.
After a 6 week period where H was away on business and I went home to visit friends and family I got back to H. He picked S and I up from the airport at midnight, took us home and pretended to be asleep when I got to bed. I got a bit upset, and asked him what was going on. He told me: "I don't love you and I haven't loved you for years. I don't like you. I don't want to be married to you any more. I want a divorce."
I was completely blindsided. I went into a spin, then after establishing there was nobody else, tried desperately to get him talking about how we could save our marriage. He then went on to say he didn't want to work on the marriage as I am a control freak. I asked for examples of what he meant by that. He couldn't (and still can't) give any examples. All he said was "it's everything. You always control everything, all the time". Teenage-speak if ever I've heard it!
I worked out I wouldn't be able to survive on my own in the country we were living so we agreed that I should take S and go back to live in our home town. H comes back every 3 months for around 10 days. He bought a motorbike (he already has a couple) and rode around the UK and France in his time off. He blew off S's 18th birthday so that he could work some overtime then go play in Thailand.
Of course I suspected another woman. He said, and still says, there wasn't one before we separated. There is now - a Thai woman 20 years his junior who he says only came onto the scene around 6 months after our split. That's OK though. I have a man friend that I have known since school. H knows about this guy, but I don't think he cares.
He has been saying all along how he loves being free. He also says he misses the kids and everything about family life, except me. He maintains his relationship with the boys but it seems to involve the occasional phone call, the application of cash whenever they want and he's taken them on a trip to Thailand (they met the new GF then). Now he's planning another.
After 2 years I don't feel I am any closer to the real reason for our breakup. I know he's going through a shocker of a MLC. I get the feeling he is very angry with me. We are polite but distant. We still haven't done our property settlement. He won't communicate.
I usually communicate with H via email, and I have spoken with him a couple of times in the past year. I had a meeting with him recently about our property settlement but got really angry with him when he said we should hold onto our house because now is not a good time to sell. I lost it - he won't communicate for months at a time but he wants to remain financially hitched to me? I told him he was mad if he thought I'd agree - he has killed off all of the trust I have in him and his motivations. He could only note that "this is why I hate talking to you! You only berate me!".
After I invited him to head right out of the door if he couldn't cope with the predictable and reasonable consequences of his behaviour he pulled himself together and agreed that he would communicate better.
That lasted a week - until the bailiff turned up with H's Application for Divorce. I texted him to let him know how I feel about being blindsided and humiliated. I haven't heard from him since.
I don't know if I want to be this man's friend again, let alone fight for my marriage. I had thought I did, but I really don't know any more. I think I am grieving for the life I had rather than the man. I'm really not really sure how to go about changing my life for the better. I know there is a lot of healing for me to do but I have no idea what to tackle first.
If you're still with me, I can only thank you from the bottom of my heart for your patience. To reward you, I'll ask for more of your patience ......
Tell me please - what does a person do with all this?
devvo, I'm so sorry you are here and going through this. My thread is over on the MLC board. There are a lot of similarities in our stories, but that is usually the case.
I came here not knowing what I really wanted and thinking I wanted to save my marriage. I now know that I just need to get out of it. I think figuring that out is mission one, but not really something you can rush.
You've probably figured out that there is no benefit to telling him about your feelings. He just doesn't care. With mine I still like to do 180s because I imagine his frustration when he assumes that I will freak out over something and then I never say anything about it.
What do you do with it? You live your best life and put him in your rearview mirror. You try not to contact him unless you have to. You get a life and make the life you have about you and what you want. He either makes a note and turns in toward you again or he doesn't. Either way you still have to get a life and move on. Life is funny that way, the answer to both sides of the equation is exactly the same.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
First of all, I'm really sorry. You've already had a couple of years of hell from the sound of it, and then this latest wound. Our emotional skin gets very thin after living with a world turned upside down.
My only suggestion is to keep posting here as you try to work stuff out in your head. Right now, it is as it is but you need time to breathe and decide what you need to do. And to figure out on your own what you think has happened to cause this and what that means for you. And what you want to do about your M. And how you move forward, irrespective of what happens, as a calmer, stronger version of you. I assume you have seen or will be seeing a L and thinking about the practical stuff, but your head is probably spinning with all kinds of thoughts and feelings.
Please give yourself time to breathe before jumping into any action, other than seeking L advice. x
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Tell me please - what does a person do with all this?
Hello devvo,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
First, I don't think you want this man back. He seems like a real jerk. You can do better. He may have done you a favor and I'd advise cutting him out of your life as much as possible. Second, he's trying to push you around over marital assets. Solution there is for you to retain a divorce lawyer and make sure you're protected.
Normally I'd give advice on steps to save a marriage. I can't in good conscience do that for you because I don't think your husband is worth it. I'm sure you'll be much happier in the long run if you divorce him.
Don't get me wrong - H is a great guy. If you met him you'd likely think so too. He is helpful, fun to be around and generous - to nearly everybody except me. We had been each other's best friend for 25 years, and I think he would like to be friends again. However I just can't let him get away with thinking that what he did to me, and is still doing, is OK. I'm forgiving, but not a doormat.
I have spent the past 2 years doing what I have to do to survive, resettling back home, holding down my great job, looking after the kids and looking like I'm having a ball (especially on Facebook - he's still on my Friends list) - all the while thinking of very little else but what I must've done wrong, the fact that it was probably precious little, and whether H is ever going to come through this MLC tunnel.
I've been to a lawyer and she says our case is pretty open/shut. I refuse to settle for a 50/50 split though, so I am negotiating with H over that. Well, as much as one can negotiate with somebody who takes 4 months to respond to about 5 emails and another 2 months to respond to my reply.
When I queried H as to why he spent the effort kicking off the D process when we hadn't even done the property settlement he said it was so he could tidy things up and 'move on'. Hadn't he already moved on? If he hadn't thought that he wanted to leave, why wasn't he interested in fixing things? If he had moved on, shouldn't the divorce itself be just a symbolic gesture to him? If so, what's the big hurry - especially when the property settlement isn't yet done? If not, did he file for divorce to hurt me? Why? [Apologies for the analytics - it gets a lot worse that that in my head though!]
I used to cry buckets. Now it's less, but I still shed tears over him. No matter how much I berate myself, trick myself into thinking about other things, tell myself I'm an idiot, run through the analytics about his behaviour and count all the ways he's a prize jerk I can't stop thinking that H will find the MLC tunnel and at some point try to come back. I go to bed thinking about him (in any one of the forms mentioned) and I always wake up thinking of him and how much I miss him. It is driving me insane, not being able to control my thoughts, let alone my subconscious!
Even if I am right about him eventually wanting to come back, I think he is angrier than he thought he would be at my 'infidelity'. Although he would know that is unreasonable for the WAS, I suspect it's why he's divorcing me - making it look like I got what was coming to me. In other ways too he seems to be taking the injured party stance - recently he told a mutual friend he had 'good reasons for ending my marriage of 24 years but I can't discuss them because it will hurt people'. Odd for him to care about hurting people - especially as he's always blamed others for his unhappiness. He isn't very good at reflecting on his own behaviour and choices and how they impact on what life throws at him.
I know that makes H sound very immature, and in some ways he really is. In many ways though he's honourable and trustworthy, even with me. I just hate the way he feels the need to be totally in control of the whole divorce process, yet he still tells everybody how controlling I was/am. I admit I like to feel like I have some influence over what might happen to me, but this is just weird.
Having said that, I think we are getting the property settlement discussion going where it needs. The divorce itself is being taken care of. All I have to do now is work out how to detach. How to stop caring. How to stop my stupid heart warring with my over analytical head. And most of all, how to kill off the perennial hope that I have that he'll wake up one day and work out what a monumental idiot he's been.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Devvo - thanks for the visit over to my thread. I just had a quick read-through of your. I'm so sorry you are here.
Originally Posted By: devvo
Don't get me wrong - H is a great guy. If you met him you'd likely think so too.
Originally Posted By: devvo
I used to cry buckets. Now it's less, but I still shed tears over him.
Originally Posted By: devvo
Crazy huh?
Devvo - Yes - you are indeed crazy
Originally Posted By: Lewis Carroll
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
So - we're all mad here as we journey through the land of the Jabberwock.
In many ways you are perhaps where I was quite a while ago emotionally. You are still hoping and I am sad to say that I gave that up quite some time ago. So - I may be more than a bit of a wet blanket. I do have a bit of a 2X4 for you but it's wrapped up in the wet blanket
You are spending time speculating on if his relationship with his current woman started before or after he left. Realistically that's immaterial. You have a new person in your life who brings you Joy but and that is fabulous but you also are hoping that your hold H will return to you. You need to ask yourself if you are being fair to your new guy or not. The fact that your former H is upset by this relationship isn't necessarily an indication that he wants to come back to you, just that he's offended that you appear to have moved on.
You may want to spend some more time over on the MLC threads which is where your H very likely is on his own journey that is separate from yours. There's a wonderful woman named Job who is moderator there - not that Cadet is any slouch either - but read up on some threads especially some of us who have been on this track for a while. I'd suggest ignoring mine - especially the older threads. I had an awful lot of drama and boy oh boy was I confused - and probably still am.
There are some current posters like Westo who is a lovely kind-hearted woman still in the midst of her journey and people like CaliGuy who is quite a way farther along than I. Check the homework there as well. There's a lot of very good reading especially in the AmyC posts.
Anything with the name Jack_3_Beans on it is pure gold. He was such a support to me and I still get teary remembering his kindness and patience with me. We lost him a while ago. He was a giant here with a very blunt way with a 2X4 that was always meant in a kind way. I miss him so very much.
Best of luck to you as you go on your journey. One thing to remember though. You are on your journey and he is on his. They are separate journeys and no one knows what anyone's final destination may be.
((Devvo))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
He may very well be a great guy to everyone else but you. My W is the same way. she used to bring it up in arguments all the time: "My friends think I'm great!" that doesn't really do us any good, does it? If anything it makes a stark contrast with the way they treat us.
As for worrying about your sitch, I think the best thing is to GAL and learn more about MLC. It helps me immensely knowing why it happened. Knowing they will blame it all on you, etc. It helps.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
......
- he's still on my Friends list) - all the while thinking of very little else but what I must've done wrong, the fact that it was probably precious little, and whether H is ever going to come through this MLC tunnel.
