Hi everyone, I am new to this forum and to DB but here's my life lately. On Memorial Day of this year, my husband told me that since January, he started reflecting on his life and the fact that he was going to turn 40. He said he realized he no longer loved me. We cried, I was devistated and my whole world came down. That night he told me I was the best thing to have happened to him, that I'm wonderful but he didn't feel the same toward me. We both confessed how scared we were and he made passionate love to me that night. Yes, thinking back, there were lots of issues, not enough communication, lack of sex of my part, putting our family first, 2 boys, 11,3. We did EVERYTHING together from grocery shopping, to fam outings, our life revolved around our kids and home. I thought this was ok for our age in a way, I thought he was happy but maybe it became too much. Anyway, I asked him to not leave for a few days until my so graduated elementary school since I didn't want to burden him with news he waited a few days, and left. . My husband's friend ( not his type of girl, she's gay), took him in to a spare room she has. We talked and I told him he was abandoning his family without trying to resolve our marriage. The same weekend he left, he took me out on a " date". We had an awkward dinner and he skipped out on dancing. The abandoning part resonated with him st the time, felt guilty and agreed to do therapy, my goal was to work on marriage, he told counselor his goal was to learn to " air out" problems so we can better " co parent" effectively. Two different agendas. One week after he moved out, he told me he realized how happy he was in a tiny room, that who knew how happy he could be and that I looked happy too. He confessed that he realized he didn't want to work on the marriage!! I was shocked!!! I was like, you're gone one week and you realized that you never want to get back together???? He said yes... that crushed me! It wa so strange to me. So I started working on distancing myself and told him that from now on, we can talk about boys but that I couldn't be there for him as a " friend". He told the counselor I'm a good friend and that we are not compatible. News to me!! Anyway, I started doing things for me when he comes to visit the boys. I started the gym, I started therapy for me, I started an anti depressant since I'm prone to depression and anxiety anyway. I started journaling and going out with friends. We went to therapy a third time yesterday, and he told counselor he wants to begin mediation since I live in our home and his situation with his roommate can change and will begin to charge him rent. He wants more than a room and wants his house in a way!!! What?!? Since all our assets are tied together, he would like to hire a mediator. Through all this, I was poise and calm. The counselor complemented me on all my achievements and taking care of me! He was very proud of how I'm handing all this, and my husband agreed. The counselor said " it's a crisis" and you're doing very well. It was like a session to glorify me which was interesting cause at first I felt like I didn't realize I was that bad, then maybe it could be a counselors tactic to empower me cause he knows my husband is not well. I've been meaning to ask my husband if there's another woman, which having dealt with infidelities in the last with a previous relationship, all signs are there. He wants nothing to do with me except gives me a friendly hug when he leaves after his visit with kids. I talked to him about boundaries and me needing my privacy since he comes to the house with his own key on scheduled visits and he does laundry here. When he brought up mediation yesterday, I panicked and I'm really scared because I want to work on my marriage but I'm afraid he wants to destroy everything in 2 months! It's been 2 months but feels like years of pain. My medication kicked in and I'm trying my best to be busy with my boys. Next month, I'm going back to school to try to finish my degree in Paychology, I'm going back to work since I've been off summer, and I also start an internship. I'll be busier. My son will start middle school and I fear how this will affect him since we have not sat down with them " together" to talk about separation. I leaned how to mow the lawn, change the line on the trimmer, check my tire pressure and do everything else that he used to do. He's convinced my sister in law that we grew apart and now she's telling me that I have to learn to do things on my own, when she was the first person I reached out to and understood me! His roommate also sides with him and I'm just sitting, watching all of this. Like he's calling all the shots and I have no say or can't control anything except for me. Please help me. Does this sound like MLC? My therapist seems to think so and she said it's about my life now with boys. My therapist friend also thinks it's MLC. After therapy ended yesterday, he told me outside that he liked me being nice to him. i called him the other night because I noticed he took trash out, rinsed dishes, and took trash bins out too. He also told me he liked it when I called him to tell him I missed him on the 4 th of July! What on earth??? He doesn't want me, loves me, but likes it when I'm nice to him??? But if I text him, he sometimes doesn't answer my text. I stopped pursuing him. I'm trying to detach but please please any info or guidance would be great.
I'm so scared and confused cause he doesn't want about " is" or even what he's been up to. Now this mediation? Please help me out and give me your thoughts. I would greatly appreciate it. Sorry my story is so long.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/27/1704:35 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you and your kids. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Some leave and are hostile...others leave and are quite nice. Don't confuse his wanting the two of you to be nice with wanting to reconcile.
Sounds like there's a lot more to the story than can be understood from one post. If MLC, then he may be questioning everything and not much may do with you.
Is he questioning his professional/financial success or lack thereof, his physical appearance/health/aging, his sexuality, his religion/beliefs, his friends/social standing, unfulfilled dreams/having settled for something more mundane than he imagined?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
