Hi all- I've been married for 25 years, with one 18 year old son who's going off to college next month. I've had a lot of health problems, cancer, chronic pain, etc. Our marriage has survived pretty well up until last year. I started noticing that my husband was pulling away from me. Sex pretty much stopped. He started working out and lost some weight. He'd leave the house on Saturday, be gone for hours, and then looked surprised when I asked him where he'd been. I was pretty sure he was having an affair.
In January, I confronted him on it. He initially denied an affair, telling me instead that he was no longer in love with me, not attracted to me. About a week after that he finally admitted that he'd been sleeping with a woman at work. He agreed to break it off and go to counseling. We went to counseling for about 4 months. He changed his behavior for about 2 weeks, and then stopped trying at all to make things better. He stopped sex again without talking to me or anything. He's so passive aggressive. I'm not perfect by a long shot, but I made the changes he asked for. So last night he told me that sex was better for him than before, but there was no emotional connection so he stopped. I told him that would change if he would listen to the counselor and do what she suggested. We're almost at a separation.
I can't take any more, really. He obviously doesn't love me, doesn't want to change. I'm terrified of divorce. I don't want one. I don't believe in it. My mothers been married 5 times. I wanted him to be more romantic, more open about his feelings. He's changed so much. I feel like I don't even know him anymore.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Amy
H:44 W:46 M: 26 years in Nov DS: 18 01/2017 ILYBINILWY still technically together H: MLC
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but you'll discover a lot of wonderful people post all over the Forum, including this one. Read as much a you can, take away what you can use and leave the rest behind.
I'm pasting in Cadet's Welcome Thread info. Please read the threads because you will discover a wealth of info.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-62, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks so much. I think that going dark is what I need to do right now. Do you have any advice on doing that while you're still living together? I'm housesitting for a friend for a week. I had intended to use that as a no contact time. It's my son's last few weeks at home, though. I'm reluctant to truly start anything until we move him out.
A
H:44 W:46 M: 26 years in Nov DS: 18 01/2017 ILYBINILWY still technically together H: MLC
The first thing to do is breathe! I know that you are scared, but you are stronger than you think.
Sounds like your may be depressed and while in depression they aren't attracted to us because they've lost that loving feeling towards us and yes, most likely he's still in contact w/the ow. It could be emotional or physical, but he's still thinking about her.
Are you the one that pushed for counseling? As long as the third party is in the picture, counseling most likely won't work. Sure, he goes to the sessions, but is he really listening, talking and doing what the counselor has suggested or is he just going through the motions? Are you in individual counseling? If not, that may be a better choice for you at the moment since it doesn't appear the joint counseling is helping. You need a safe place to go in order to talk more openly about what your feelings, i.e., just as he needs to do the same...but he will need to make the decision to see professional help when he's ready.
As for sex...have you been to see your physician to get checked out? If he's been visiting elsewhere, you do not know what he may have picked up and brought home to you. Get yourself checked out and take measures to protect yourself even if he says he doesn't have anything. As long as he's out there, you don't know if he's using the proper protection or not.
So, tell me...what happened about 12-18 months ago? Did something change w/your h? Did he get promoted, lose his job, have a health crisis or did someone close to him die?
You asked a question on a thread that I created concerning the distance/pursuer. How do you stop your pursuing? It's not easy, but you can do it. When the distancer senses the pursuer is not reacting a certain way or as they say, takes the distancer's bait, the distancer will try various things to bait you, the pursuer to get you back into the game. If you can find a way to not react to what he says or does, this will be the first step. You have to find a way to stay the course. The less you pursue, the more likely your distancer will become curious and start pursuing you....but you can't let your guard down. As they say...don't snap up the bait. Continue to remain calm and just go about your business. Sometimes they are nasty to get your reaction and then there are other times, that they will play nice...but it's all the same...to get your attention and yes, to see if you are still there waiting on them.
Go back and re-read the first page. I identified some things that you shouldn't be doing. Maybe you will find something that you can stop all together or gradually, but you need to start thinking about you and your son right now.
Amy, you can't control him or tell him how to feel. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. You can only control yourself, how you feel and how you react to him, his comments and/or behavior. BTW, you will need to drop your expectations of what you think he should be doing down to 1, if not zero.
IF he is in MLC its a long journey Many men hit MLC at about 40 but it can vary a little
Its not about you or your M Its about Him and his unresolved issues many MLCer follow the same path: and the MLCer may do many of the following:
Give I don't love you speech have an affair distance get in shape stay out late or all night negligent fathers tattoos blame the LBS get new clothes dye hair work out new car/motorcycle become totally withdrawn/uncommunicative with LBS new job -loose job spend-spend and more spending watch the finances trips drugs/prescriptions or street drugs new friends sometimes younger
the LBS has to take care of themselves by watching the craziness and detaching go to counseling parent the children take care of the hous,e and watch finances carefully rest, eat. sleep exercise destress get support post journal and read
we have all been there and I can tell you many LBS do get through this and land on their feet and better than b4
hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks so much for your advice. I'm so glad I found this site. DH did go get tested at PP. He still works at the same company, and so does the OW. I didn't ask him to leave the company for financial reasons. He changed departments last year and got promoted. That's when he said he met the OW. He was definitely depressed, and started drinking and smoking again.
I was the one who asked for counseling. I know that I have issues that I need to work on, too. Some of the things he said were valid. I did withdraw completely last year in response to his behavior. I'm disabled with chronic pain. It's easy for me to become a hermit sometimes, and that was exactly what I did. I was horribly depressed myself. I was barely functioning. In a way, his bomb dropping woke me up. I'm taking classes, trying to see if I can possibly work again, even part-time. I do need to go to counseling just for me.
H:44 W:46 M: 26 years in Nov DS: 18 01/2017 ILYBINILWY still technically together H: MLC
I'm 46 and DH is 45. Yes, he's done quite a number of those things/behaviors. I was pretty sure that this forum/topic would be most helpful right now, and it really has already.
H:44 W:46 M: 26 years in Nov DS: 18 01/2017 ILYBINILWY still technically together H: MLC
When you have time, take a look at HaWho's threads. Her h is still living at home and has made a room his "dorm" room. She's done a great job of keeping it together for her and her two sons. Her threads are worth their weight in gold. She struggled at first, but she's gotten the hang of detachment, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This describes my marriage almost entirely. I obviously need to stop pursuing my husband. How do I do that and deal with all of the pain?
Well first of all I would suggest - fake it until you make it.
Deal with the PAIN head on - do not avoid it or run away from it. I suggest it gets better as TIME goes by. My first question would be why are you in PAIN - specifically? Take each item and break it down into smaller parts and maybe you can get your way through it.
Take the time to read Divorce Remedy and any of the other resources listed above. The more you learn, the easier it is to handle the situation; the easier it is to be patient. If it seems to be a case of mid-life crisis, just knowing that and what it entails can provide great relief
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
