The memory issues your exh had are very interesting. And it sure doesn't seem like he has much of a life. Strange how some of them cry for change and then do absolutely nothing different from what they were doing.
Glad you had a nice holiday.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Happiest of New Years to you, too, HaWho, Job and Bttrfly!
I actually went out on New Years for the first time since separation...and had fun! A friend invited me to a "dueling piano" bar where there was lots of comedy, music and dancing. I had injured myself skiing the day before, so no dancing for me. But a lot of fun, anyway.
I'm currently trying to work around a minor MCL tear or strain, hoping that it gets better soon.
HaWho, I don't know what my XH is really doing in his life. He skis and works, I know. He only uses his apartment during the work week and considers the river house as his home. It is still home base for the "social group" parties and vacations, so he's not always alone there. I found out from D27 that the son of one of the social group couples was staying up there while home for winter break because his sisters had taken over his home. That seems wierd and I'm sorry for his parents, who must have missed him as he was across the country as a freshman in college. I have noticed that he tends to do a lot of activities with the teens and young adults of the group, welcoming them up with their friends. He's the cool older "uncle" now. I know he was jealous that I was always shuttling, mentoring, and spending time with our kids and their friends...but I was a stay at home mom and coach. He was at work. Now its his time. Funny, during one of our last R talks, he yelled at me, "I told you you spent too much time with the kids!" Now he's spending a lot of his time with other's kids.
He still seems to be trying on my life. That's the best way I can put it. He still makes a point of letting me know he tries my recommendations and enjoys them. He even has let me know that he has gotten in to things he used to tease me about or seem irritated with me about. Most recently I told him that I found a Chinese restaurant that served his favorite item (a "homestyle" food not often on the menu of most chinese place here) and he let me know he'd been there quite a few times since. So, at least I'm not all bad.
His memory issues are interesting, I agree. But understandable. The time leading up to and through the divorce was very stressful...its all a blur for me, too, but I journaled each night and discussed things here. So many memories and ideas were reinforced for me, but not him. Plus, if he is "sharing" his thoughts with others, many of his negative thoughts about me may be supported or enhanced and become entertwined with memory. Either way, I will keep reporting, journaling, on this forum for the benefit of anyone who is reading, but I try not to wonder too much on whats going on in his head. I'm really getting pretty good at thought stopping when I start ruminating on the past or trying to mind-read in a non-beneficial way. Just look up "Stop it!" on Youtube with Bob Newhart...that is the voice I hear in my head, now.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Ciluzen, him trying on your life has to be a good thing. Looks like a way of bringing you guys closer together after a long time walking in the opposite direction. We need a ray of sunshine on this board
The rumination is strong with this one. Rough weekend.
In the past few weeks, I've been confronted with info from various sources, not only about XH's ongoing behavior with Bubbles, but some pretty d*mning evidence of at least eyebrow raising behavior from clear back to 2009. The first conference he banned me from because I "ruined his vacation" to Hawaii by confronting him about focusing on Bubbles? The one he booked for his co-workers (he didn't have his own office yet) to Hawaii 3 months later? I was told that he shared a suite with Bubbles...a two bedroom one that, when staff members confronted her about how inappropriate that was, she told them I was fine with it (I didn't know). This culminated in a talk last night with D25 who then asked me about a cooler she and D27 found in 2012 hidden in our shop. They assumed it was for some sort of romantic getaway for us, but were suspicious that maybe it was hidden because...maybe it was not for me. They had suspected something was going on since about the time I did. But, like me, didn't want to believe it. Now they do. After my confirming that what they found wasn't anything I knew about, D25 had a talk with D27, who called me. It may be wrong to involve children, but they are adults and they had their suspicions. He has repeatedly tried have them participate in activities with her and her family. Now, if she was unmarried and they were having an outed relationship publicly as a couple, I'd have to accept it. But she still is married. And I am the mother of two girls. I have a right as their mother to be unaccepting of that relationship and to point out that it is an ongoing wrong that should not be accepted...by anyone.
They can and should spend time with their dad. I reiterated that. But I let them know...spending time with them both while they are carrying on an affair is not only painful to me, but is participating in the dishonesty that is harming her (maybe clueless) husband and family, and condoning the wrong by accepting it. They agreed. Parenting NEVER stops. There may be those that disagree with this level of involving my kids, but this is different than talking trash about their father. And if it was vindication and revenge I wanted, I'd be sending her husband, friends, and families (as well as XH's)letters with what I know (facts and not gossip).
So, all signs point to a physical relationship. Not that that is worse than an emotional affair, but it means I'm not crazy and that his denial is at a whole 'nother depth of lying. It explains a lot of behavior that was confusing, as well as some of the things that he said that didn't make sense that now do. I no longer believe his story that he stayed alone after his conference where Bubbles and he stayed after to ski...the one on our 24th anniversary. When confronted with evidence (recepts) of spending time and large amounts of money on her that weekend without telling me, he knew he was caught in what the receipts proved, but denied staying with her or that anything "happened". If he could stay in a suite with with her in 2009 with his staff knowing about it, what would keep him from staying in a room together in 2014 when NOBODY was with them?
The bubble (no pun) has popped. Is my door still cracked open? I honestly can't answer that anymore. I looked at some pictures last night. I suddenly don't find him attractive, at all. I no longer miss his voice...or his touch. I see his actions that confused me as cruel. I remember, when he was at the Hawaii conference he sent me a picture of a mimosa, labeled "breakfast on the lanai (balconey)". They were sharing that suite. I saw it as clueless to rub the fact that he was there and I wasn't allowed to go in my face with that. Now I see it as cruelly smug. I received similar pictures from the Vegas and Utah conferences. I see him taking that picture with her there and him knowing that he was getting away with an affair...who does that? Who takes it to that next level?
He does. There is more wrong with the father of my children than I could have ever imagined. My kindness will go on...I believe in it. But I will no longer puzzle over the behavior. I'll still post updates...its all a process and others can use the info. But, man...the depths...I'm literally laying on my board and not paddling, right now. Just drifting til I wash ashore...
No. You are not crazy. You are not paranoid. I'm sorry. There is a massive power loss when someone gaslights us and tries to make us feel our gut instincts are wrong. My personal experience is that my instincts are usually spot on. I suspect yours are also.
It is going to take you time to process this, Cil. It's a lot to take in on multiple levels. I wish I could make you a cup of tea and give you a big hug right now. I so relate to this as my exh snuck away to Hawaii on our 21st wedding anniversary and tried to make me pay half the bill when it all came out in the open during the discovery period of our mediation. Um. NO.
So, I have a very tiny window into how you must feel right now.
All I can say honey is you will get through this, absolutely. I'm happy you are no longer married to someone who would treat you in this way. You deserve so very much more, Cil.
What remains is that he continues to be connected to you (by his behavior). Time to close that cake shop, right?
This is now all about you and how you move forward. We love you and are here for you. Time to take your power back fully, Cil. You can do it!
xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
(((Cil))), this is just awful. What a horrid human being Bubbles is and what a sad, weak man xH is to get sucked in by her. To me it sounds like she was jealous of your life and wanted a piece and your xH was flattered enough to bite.
I'm so sorry this has happened but glad you found out sooner rather than later. Let them have their illicit little affair, in fact it would be interesting to see what would happen if he found out you knew and that you weren't really suprised or bothered!
(((Cil)))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Sorry Cil. That relationship was all around WRONG even if no PA happened. Awful all around that her h tolerated it and that your h did not honor your request to dissolve that relationship. They both chose to put themselves in compromising positions. It was not just bad for their marriages, it was very unprofessional as well.
I am sorry. I know how much that hurts. But leave them to each other. You are the prize. It is his loss.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I’m sorry to read this Cil. Even when you are divorced and healing it’s hard to learn of horrible new things like this.
What you thought was at the time wasn’t quite...
This happened to me last year when I learned that XH remained more involved with his ex wife after separation and whilst we were dating than I ever knew - yuck
It does help someone become more unattractive in your eyes I agree...
Probably useful to know and you can manage any contact with your XH in light of the new information.
Take care and know that you are doing so well on so many fronts xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ciluzen, I"m so very sorry to hear the latest. I don't post on here much anymore, but follow along with many and have for the last several years. You were one of the first people who responded to me when I posted all those years ago, and I really appreciated your response and admire the way you have handled your situation in the last several years.
I always felt that while many details were different our situations were quite similar...my H had/still has ?? what I feel is an inappropriate relationship with a coworker (I just recently found out she is newly divorced.) Please always trust your gut...I've found mine never failed me. I did way too much snooping and digging very shortly after my H left and found out much more than I ever wanted to know. I was not in a good place at that time and it really threw me for a loop. My hope for you is that time has healed some of your wounds and you are in a better place to deal with what you learned. It is never easy to hear these things...but I'm a firm believer that no matter what the truth always comes out.
I see absolutely nothing wrong with discussing things with your adult children. I completely agree with how you feel about them spending time with their Dad when she is around. My children are still minors and in the most age appropriate way I know how I've made sure they understand that the relationship their Dad has with his "friend" isn't something I'm Ok with, nor is it behavior I want to see them repeating as adults. It's such a hard balance.
So, I just wanted to say I'm sorry...it really stinks and let you know there are others out here who understand. You really are a rock star...keep being great! Such a huge loss for him.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I have to say Cil, the first thing that popped into my head after reading your post was the old adage, "when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy".
Bubbles is crazy if she thinks she has landed a prize - she knows first hand how capable his is of shocking lies, manipulation and deceit. On the other hand, your XH is a madman if he thinks he will be able to trust a woman who has no problem carrying on a long-term PA under the noses of everybody, including her H. To be brutally honest, I think the two of them deserve each other.
