Boston Dad Need of Help Part 2

[Teppo]

Cadet, here's my new thread. Can you link my initial thread here?

Thanks,

here is the link
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2745995#Post2745995

[Teppo]

Now that W has officially filed for D. Should I start the NC phase? One of her biggest complaints was that I was not there "emotionally" for her. If I continue to detach and not engage her in conversations, I'm afraid that this will be "more of the same". Is saying "good morning" and "how was your day?" a good 180 and NC combo tactic if she's complained that I "didn't care about her job"?

Thanks,

[LH19]

Teppo,

You can certainly say good morning. I wouldn't bother with How is your day. Unfortunately you can't nice your way out of your situation.

Stick to what Accuray has been telling you, give her as much space as you possibly can. Start building an awesome life without her in it.

I started doing that about three months ago and I have become so detached that my W and I sleep in the same bed still and I have no desire to be intimate with her at all. I never would have believed that three months ago.

You made some mistakes in your marriage like we all did. The important part is what will you learn from this moving forward.

Stay strong my friend.

[Teppo]

Thanks LH19 for you input,

I'm constantly fighting my natural tendency to be nice and show my emotions on my sleeve.

I'm finding that staying consistently strong emotionally, is the hardest part of DBing.

[Accuray]

Right, if you directly respond to her complaints now for her benefit it will infuriate her, not draw her closer.

For one thing, she'll think you're just putting on a show for her and if she were to come back you'd just go back to how you were before.

Secondly if they were long running complaints, the fact that you would take action only now after all she's been through will be extremely frustrating to her. In her mind you "pushed her to this" and everything is your fault, so for you to easily about face in front of her is unwelcome.

But what about 180? The only way it really works is if you do it for yourself. The changes you make will impact how you deal with everyone, not just her, and if you make it part of who you are she will notice. "Peacocking" changes in front of her will have the opposite effect you want.

Your only play right now is distance and building the life you want for yourself. She should need to have to catch up with you versus take you back.

Acc

[Teppo]

Thanks Acc,

I always appreciate your advice. I'm not sure I mentioned this before, but after asking my W to leave our bedroom, she and her girlfriend came up with a code word that my W would text to her. Evidently the code word would tell her friend that I was being physically abusive and to notify her girlfriend to call the police. I've never physically abused my W and never had the inclination to do so. Why does she think I would do that? It's amazing what my W thinks I'm going to do. It's scary actually.

[LH19]

Teppo,

I wouldn't even address it. Sounds childish. Why wouldn't she just text "he's being abusive"?

[Teppo]

Good point LH19. Who knows what's going through her mind these days.

Accuracy made an interesting observation a while back about my W feeling terrible and anguished. I didn't think she was having any of those feelings because she never displayed them in front of me, but I later heard from a friend that she broke down when talking about our M. Yesterday my W said that she hasn't slept well in months and is now on antidepressants. So, I guess her "tough" exterior is just a facade. Sort of like mine. I wish her well.

[Accuray]

Teppo the only time I've heard about the abuse discussion is if she's planning to go for full custody and claim you're physically abusive. She can call the police or better yet have her girlfriend do it and it becomes a "he said she said" -- that happened to a friend of mine who is as non-abusive as they come.

In your case it's probably just crazy making, although if I remember correctly didn't you say you had anger issues? Is it possible she fears your temper on some level?

Acc

[Teppo]

Acc,

Thanks for your response. With respect to my "anger issues" I'll admit I'll get frustrated if something doesn't "go my way", in which case I'll be irritable or yell something to myself (not to anyone). My "anger issues" are not characterized by me being verbally or physically abusive to anyone, throwing things, breaking furniture, or generally going "insane".

Since she broke the news to me over three months ago that she was going to seek a D, I've made substantial progress in curbing my anger. Seeing a therapist helps as well.