Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

[Holding]

Starting thread 2.

Link to previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2747468

[Holding]

When she feels a lot of pressure from you, all she can think about is escaping the pressure and convincing you that her decision is final. Once you lift the pressure, she has space to think about what she's doing. The more space you give her, the better.

The WAS goes through a cycle of Resentment => Anger => Guilt => Resentment => Anger => Guilt

They stay in that cycle as long as you keep pursuing and/or making them responsible for your feelings, and while they're in that cycle they are completely incapable of seeing anything you do as good.

When you take pressure off, they can move on to: Doubt => Fear => Remorse => Resolve => Doubt => Fear => Remorse => Resolve

When they're in Doubt/Fear/Remorse they actually CAN see the changes you're making and what's different, but when they go into "Resolve" they basically recommit to their course of action.

If you start pursuing again during this delicate cycle they immediately go back into the Resentment/Anger/Guilt cycle and shut down.

That's what people mean when they say its like trying to hand feed a squirrel -- it's so easy to send them spiraling back.

Wanted to kick things off with this awesome breakdown of the 2 cycles from Acc in my last thread. Not sure if this came from your brain, Acc, but this is gold!

So what breaks them out of the second cycle? Is is that they go through Doubt/Fear/Remorse so many times that they might actually skip Resolve and stay in Remorse?

And I often hear from people something like, "It's not time to stop LRT yet." When is it the time to stop LRT? How do I know? Is it when W is committed to reconciliation?

[LiM]

When you W comes back to you and shows genuine remorse, then its time to start backing away from the LRT. And even then, you should do it SLOWLY. One of the worst mistakes you can make is taking he back too quickly.

[Tread]

This is great explaination of the behavior of the WAS. My question is does resolve always leads back to resentment, anger and guilt? Or can resolve lead the WS going a phase to work on the MR?

[LiM]

Everyone is different. There is no telling what your W will choose to do. That's why you have to give her space and spend this time working on you. Doing that is what gives you the best shot at saving your M.

[Holding]

TL;DR: W says she wants D. I confront W with info I have on OM. He's "just a friend". I tell her I've been on her phone and that's BS. I'm done - my ring is off.

So last night in bed, W asks if there's anything I want to talk about. I say no. She pushes on, saying I used to want to talk about things. I said she's made it clear how she feels about things, and unless there's something new, I don't want to discuss it right now. She said she still feels the same way, but we need to discuss how to "move forward because we're both so miserable". I said I'm working on me right now, and I don't want to talk about the R. She said the MC suggested W come to my next session with my own IC, so we can talk about things. This gets me really suspicious but I eventually go to sleep.

This morning she left to go work out. My suspicions got the better of me and I snooped on her work phone which she left at home (it's been 3 weeks since the last time I snooped). I see she's still face-timing that guy. I see she has sent him the itinerary and flight info for her upcoming Europe trip.

EUROPE TRIP SIDEBAR: So this is a trip that was supposed to be for work, to tour a facility that's related to her work. She mentioned it several months ago, before BD. She's told me she needed time over the summer to "think about things", and I've suspected all she really wanted to do was make sure she got to go on her Europe trip before the Big D. I've confronted her about this in the past, told her I was uncomfortable with her going on this trip when our MR was on the rocks. She got really mad, and said "So you're saying I can't go?!? You've been to Europe (*before I met her*) and it's not fair I've never been!" I told her I needed to think about things, but I never said she couldn't go. Ultimately I decided to let her go (she was actually a little angry when I told her?WTF?), knowing full well this was an opportunity for her to be with OM.

So anyway, I saw she sent him the info for her Europe trip. I got really mad. I wasn't sure how much longer I'd be able to keep all this to myself. I refuse to be someone's Plan B or fool. I realized I didn't want to live this lie any more.

Just as I was about to leave for work, she came home from working out. I asked her if she wanted to talk about things, and she agreed. She could tell I was a little agitated and said she didn't want this to be a fight. I said this wouldn't be a fight.

She starts out saying we've both been unhappy for a long time and we need to work on a new way to get along. I ask what she means and she really just pauses forever and stares at the floor. I then asked her if she wanted to get a D, and she said yes. I said "okay, what have you been waiting for?" She said she wanted to talk to me about it to see how I feel. I told her "This isn't what I want, but I've realized I'm going to be fine. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." She said she still cares about me and wants to know I'll be okay. I said "You don't care about me. When we're divorced, we're not going to be friends or buddies. You're just going to be the mother of my children." She said she realized that, but we need to figure out how to get along for the kids. I agreed and said we'd figure that out.

Coming up in next post, I confront about OM...

[Holding]

So I decided I wasn't going to torture myself with these secrets about OM any more. I knew I would eventually confront with this info, and it felt like the time to do it.

So I walk over and ask "Who is (OM's name)?" She said he's an old friend. I asked when she met him and she said when she was 15. (OM lives in our hometown, where W and I lived until about 11 years ago).

I asked if she ever talked to him, and she said sometimes.

I asked what they talked about, and she said just stuff.

I asked if he was moving to our city (she had emailed him house listings in our school district), and she said no.

I asked if he was going on her Europe trip, and she said no.

Then I told her I had gone onto her work phone and seen stuff. When I asked her why she emailed him her trip details, she said she was excited and wanted to send it to him. I asked why she hadn't sent it to me and she replied that I wasn't talking to her. She reiterated that he's just a friend. I said I didn't believe her.

I told her I'd seen that she sent him house listings in our area, houses with 3 and 4 bedrooms that would be too big for just her and the 2 kids. I asked what was up with that. She said she wasn't going to buy a house and didn't have any plans. I told her I didn't believe her.

I told her I knew she was face-timing with him. I said I knew she had done it on the night that she "couldn't sleep" and went into the guest bedroom, with the TV on, for 2 hours. I said I don't deserve that kind of disrespect from someone who's pretending to be my wife. She said she was sorry.

She asked if we could meet with her friend, a L, to work things out amicably. I asked if she was suggesting we share a L, and she said yes. I said I didn't trust the L, since she's a friend of the W. W said her friend would be fair. To be clear, I do not trust her L friend, but it would be a very cheap divorce if we go that route.

She reiterated that he was just a friend. I walked out. On the way to work, I took off my ring. I put it on my keychain - which is my "ring of fire" - I've got other reminders and tokens on there that I will survive the hard times.

[doodler]

holding,

I'm sorry. Hang in there; you're strong.

You're absolutely right about the OM; don't let your wife talk you into the notion that he's just a friend. You're also right about the lawyer. Get your own lawyer and do that very soon.

[Holding]

So I'm thinking about how I feel about this. Honestly, I'm numb. I feel like my heart has been slowly breaking 2.5 months now, and I wonder if there's anything left to break. The only emotions I have right now are anger and resolve.

I feel like I'm ready for this, but I wonder if that's the anger talking.

Part of me wonders if, since I confronted W about the OM, she will hit rock bottom. That it will make her really realize what she's gotten herself into, and that I know about it. But that is such a LOOOONG shot at this point. And I'm not sure I want to go back.

At some point during the conversation, I told her that I didn't think D was the solution to our problems, but I respect her opinion. She asked what the solution was. I said I didn't know, but I don't think it's divorce.

[EastTN]

Hang in there, man. Keep your head up, and do what you need to do for you and your kids. Most of all, do what's right for you with regard to your M, not what's right for anyone else.