I thought I would start a post on here to allow people to share with us "newcomers" success stories. Any interactions that went well and why or just stories where you can see light at the end of the tunnel.
I personally am struggling to find any positives in my situation and to keep moral up though hearing others successes would help in continuing to fight for our M and do as the site suggest.
Not sure how this will be received but there you go.
Thanks and here's hoping.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Sorry....I do not have a success story as I am in the middle of my own situation. The only positive I currently see in my situation is that she is no longer mentioning divorce since she moved out however it is early on (the end of this week will be three weeks since she moved out).
I stay positive by detaching and just worrying about what only I can control (which is myself). I am just trying to be patient and live in the moment.
I'm sorry, but IMO there are no success stories when it comes to infidelity. There's recovery and reconciliation and self-discovery, if that's what you're looking for.
Are my W and I a success story? Well, we're a statistic, how about that?. I had what most people want, a remorseful spouse that would do anything to make the marriage work. She saw her errors, immediately went into therapy to see why she needed this attention, and has been nothing but stellar. I got lucky. Had she said, "I want to leave you for OM", I probably wouldn't be here. I didn't make her go to therapy, she went willingly.
Things will never go back to normal. Our lives will never be the same, but they can be changed and improved upon. I personally do NOT want to go back to before, when I treated my W like crap, basically DARING her to cheat. Days when I sat on the couch, drinking bottle after bottle of wine, while she went out with friends. Giving her guilt for not being there for my mental health issues. I was a poster boy for self pity.
I am not that person now, and I will never go back to that horrid life. Her affair shocked me out of who I was. And shocked her as well, wondering how she got this way. How this bible studying good Christian woman decided to find refuge in another.
No one wins in infidelity. But people change. It helps when both spouses are on board.
For ME - I am no longer a blob that sits on the couch, drinking wine and filling my face full of crap. I run nearly every day now, lost a ton of weight and work every day on improving myself. I made myself attractive to ME, not just her.
I could go on, but I've got my own thread you can read.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
For ME - I am no longer a blob that sits on the couch, drinking wine and filling my face full of crap. I run nearly every day now, lost a ton of weight and work every day on improving myself. I made myself attractive to ME, not just her.
I count that as a success story, even if your M had not been saved. You make some excellent points, the main one being that "success" does not equal "saved marriage". It means different things to different people. For me, when I was buried neck deep in my mess the ONLY thing I would have counted as "success" is "going back to normal" with my W. IE, she would move back in and our lives would pick up where they left off. And I think that's what most people come here hoping for- reassurances that it will all go back to "normal". But it will never go back to what it was. There's a "new normal" for each and every one of us here. It's up to us to define that "new normal" and make it as great as we possibly can.
My W didn't want to go back to our old life, and I didn't either even though I didn't know it post-BD. I was so deep into the LBS fog that I couldn't see things clearly. Now with the benefit of time and recovery behind me, I can see that we both needed to go on a journey of introspection and self-improvement. We had become complacent in life and life does not sit idly by allowing people that comfort. It has a way of slapping you across the head with a 2x4 when you get a little too comfy with the status quo. We each went a separate path and I think we've both emerged better people for it. We're not married anymore, but we still have a strong relationship. We communicate really well and we still do things together with the kids now and then. I think our lives will forever be intertwined whether we ever remarry or not.
I still remember BD and the aftermath quite clearly. I suffered horribly. And I know a lot of you reading this are as well. I know at a time like this the -only- thing you want to hear is your M will be restored and everything will go back to "normal". But as Storm said, even if your M is restored it's unlikely to look like it did before. Your life is going to change as a result of this experience. The old timers that post here are ALL success stories, some of their M's were restored and others were not but that's not the true measure of success. The real measure is YOU, if you come out of this better, stronger and happier than you are a success story. And you WILL, you just can't see it yet because you're still deep in grief over the loss of your old life. But hang in there and be patient with yourself, a new, beautiful life for you is just beginning.
I have a success story, and it may seem small, but for me it felt huge. Last night after the fireworks show, we were walking a good mile or so in the dark and were literally squished in a large crowd of many 1000s of people. One of my kids was holding on to her sister's hood of her sweatshirt, as she didn't want to get lost. Dummies were drunk and bumping into each other and some even lighting off fireworks in the middle of the crowd! About half way to the car, a light bulb went off in my head. I didn't feel anxious at all!
Just a couple of years ago, this situation would caused my anxiety to be skyhigh; I would feel physically uneasy, restless, and nervous. I would feel edgy and snap at people, or I would most likely have a drink or 2 to feel relaxed. I can recall going to ball games with friends and not enjoying it because I felt trapped in the stadium or just walking to/from in the crowd made me feel physically sick. Even when I had dinner parties at my house--so many people and kids running around--caused me to feel stress and I often didn't enjoy myself and felt secretly annoyed.
Last night felt like an epiphany. To look up and see all of these people and know that everything was fine felt so liberating. I started to immediately think about why and what had changed. Something is different now. I feel an inner calm. I relished in this the rest of that long and uncomfortable walk. It was awesome.
I'll tell you what though, my H did come back. He has been back over 2 years and that is not why. I can say confidently that if we split tomorrow, it might be challenging, but I know I would be fine. I know it. I don't think I ever understood that before BD. We were completely codependent, we just couldn't see it because we were in it. I like the idea of us staying together, but I can also see benefits of us going separate ways.
I agree with Storm and AD. When you are freshly heartbroken, or even as the years go by and you don't allow yourself to take focus off of winning them back, the only success you can see would be in reconciliation. I truly do not believe that to be true. Success is individual enlightenment, confidence, strength, and happiness. I happen to think that these are the silver linings for all of us when we come out on the other side. BD pulls out the rug of life from under us and challenges us to the core.
No one could have told me this when I was in the middle of my sitch and after H left. There was nothing anyone could say to me that helped. My only focus was on if and when he was coming back. Now, several years later, I can say that my biggest success has been a result of my resiliency and overcoming trauma and all the growth that has resulted. Second to that I have my M and family together. That is great too.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
SUCCESS STORIES I update this list every time I start a new thread. Please make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.
