It's been a pretty awful three years, it culminated with S6 (almost 7) breaking down to me at bed time last night. Here are some of the things he said to me...
"Daddy, why did you always fight with mommy and divorce her?" "What did you fight with her about?"" "Mommy said that she was just your friend." "If you loved mommy like you say you do, why did you divorce her?" "Did you even want a son?"
Over the last few weeks, he's done the following in therapy.
-taken his mom's engagement ring off her hand, pushed a couch out from the wall, climbed behind it and cried
-made a scene in the therapist's sandtray that had his mom and I getting married and her STBH (yes, same guy from the original affair) watching on the sideline
-in school, drew a picture of his family and left out STBSD (soon to be step dad?)
Their mom responded by saying the paper was too small and bc STBH is tall, he coudn't fit him on the page....
She also FaceTimed them last night while in the middle of a self-tanning treatment...
S6 thinks that I left his mom. He thinks I left her because I spent my entire marriage yelling at her and fighting her. Why on earth does she need to fill his head with any of this, let alone falsehoods.
I told him that I spent twelve years loving his mother very much and that I tried to make her happy every day bc she was (until he was born) the most important thing in my life. He replied, "I guess you couldn't make her happy then?"
What a range of feelings today...none good
sorry for the rant, this has been a very hard 24 hours
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
As far as what to tell the kids, I will tell them the "truth."
I will tell them exactly what one would think to say...I love you, I'll always love you, my love for you wont' change, this isn't your fault, your mom and I love you both more than anything, etc etc
What I'm not sure how to do is help them process the lying
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
Mvg, so sorry to hear this is happening in your family. I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch.
It sounds like you are doing everything right. I haven't had to deal with lying to the kids very much in my situation, but if I had, I would probably say something like "your mom and I have different perspectives on this. This is how I see them." And just keep hugging him and reminding him that he has you both.
My daughter acted out a lot when her dad left. She figured out about his affairs, etc., on her own. When he got his current girlfriend (not the one that broke us up), she thought that woman was the reason we broke up. I told her she wasn't, but that even if she had been, it was OK for her to relate to her on her own merits. That I wouldn't be angry with her if she liked her. That I didn't like her (another story) but that was my experience and it was separate from hers. That helped her a lot. She doesn't love the new GF but she has settled down in the relationship and the calm is better for her and better for my whole family.
Your XW is going to do what she's going to do. If you can make a way to feel neutral about her it will make things much easier for your son. The kids take their cues from us. The sooner we recover, the sooner they can, too. I know it's not easy, but it will make your lives easier quicker. Getting angry because she called from a tanning bed or whatever is unproductive. She's going to do what she's going to do, and your opinion of it won't change that. Find the humor in it, and be glad your children have one sane parent.
You're doing the best you can during a terrible time. Your son is speaking very clearly, which is great -- it's so much better than acting out without being able to articulate the problem. Now if you can find a way to model acceptance to him, I bet he'll be full of questions about that and he'll be able to learn acceptance too.
Hugs, mvg, the worst part of all this is seeing our kids in pain. I hope your son starts feeling better.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Sorry for the pain youre feeling svg, I hope its just the news of the impending marriage that is troubling you right now and that you havent waited for her to come to her senses all those years.
Regarding the kids, its unfair for her to even tell them why you two split, because she is only telling them her side of the story. And maybe she felt like the marriage was a lot of fighting and only a friendship (even if it wasn't, we know how they think) but justifying to the kids, certainly isn't fair on their daddy.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
She will never come to her senses, that's a huge part of her mental illness, and no, I'm not waiting around for that. My biggest hurdle is waiting around for her to be a good mother to them.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
I am sorry for your son and what you are having to deal with. My only advice is to stay true to you and your son and the truth always prevails. Be that place of comfort for him.
•XW married •XW expecting baby in a few months •XW ramping up aggression in emails, texts, in person co-parenting •XW continues to get out in front of me in S7 therapy appointments with lies and slander
S4/7 are now with me during the week for school and go visit their mom on the weekends, so at least their schedule is better.
Recent issues •called her lawyer regarding her "legal rights" to FaceTime the kids everyday (it's not a right) •used her lawyer in an attempt to block my summer vacation for the third summer in a row (used a unintended technicality in the agreement) •refuses to allow S4 to attend AM preschool, insisting on PM (again, they are with me all week) •doesn't let S4 come to my home on Monday mornings before school anymore. Keeps him at her house and has her husband drive him (after she's already driven S7 to my house a few hours earlier that morning)
The boys continue to demonstrate worrisome behavior. Just today, S7 teacher emailed that he was pushing desks and chairs because he ate all of his snack. Ran to a closet and hid under clothes. It's breaking my heart. S4 is very aggressive in school and his teacher pulled me aside to discuss yesterday. Their patterns seem to line up with her ramped up aggression towards me.
I have no idea what to do. Nobody will listen to me, I'm just "the dad." I've been accused of crazy stuff in S7 therapy appointments. I am completely lost.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
Things with kids are so hard, especially if they are acting out.
Indeed they may be picking up on your ex annoyance and cycles.
This is so hard, does your agreement need a ending?
Is there any way you can have separate sessions in therapy for S7? This seems damaging.
I used to foster and foster kids act out. I found we needed very strong boundaries with the kids and to a large extent concentrating on what was going well rather than badly.
And keep kids away from adult stuff whilst also telling them the truth and offering endless care and validation.
There is very little you can do when the kids are with your aggressive ex. You can parallel parent, having your own consistent stance and frankly cutting their mother out of their lives and yours when you are a family together.
You are a great loving dad, and that counts for so much. I would like to think that a new baby will preoccupy her, that I have seen before, a new mum losing some interest in the older children. In fact that may be the source of her anger which she is directing at you.
I would like to see you with some IRL support, with some tactics for your kids and maybe some discussions with a psychologist about your kids, someone on your team. Can the school recommend? This is for you, not involving ex. Your stuff.
It may be time for new stances mvg. This is so tough when it affects your children
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
