You're wrong again, I have put it into use when ever I have talked on the phone with my wife. I even made a cheat sheet.
Validation is a tricky subject. A lot of people here, and I mean a LOT, think they are validating when they're really not. As I said, I have seen nothing in any of your posts (and you have posted a lot of your text convos with W) that sounds even remotely like validation. I think you misunderstand what validation is. It is NOT complimenting someone. You've certainly done your lion's share of complimenting your wife's beauty, and that's great but that's not validation. And as 25 pointed out, to a WAS that can make them think "well yeah, but what's going to be your attitude when I'm not young and pretty anymore."
Instead of rushing so quick to call me (or anyone else here) wrong, just take a deep breath and read the comments again and ask yourself if there isn't something there you need to work on. We're just trying to help you buddy, this isn't a contest or a debate where someone is "right" and someone is "wrong". It's just people who have walked in your shoes (or are still walking in them) trying to help one another through this craziness.
I am fully aware that everyone is here to help me and I really appreciate it. I can't change the fact that you think I'm always defensive. One of the issues I find here is that no one in here truly knows the kind of person I am and how a I go about life. I know you only have to base it off of what I type.
What you read was that I do a lot of validating when I TALK to my wife on the phone and not when texting. There isn't a whole lot of things to validate on when we are not talking about us or the relationship and what went wrong. When I have actaully got her on the phone and got her to actaully start talking, again which is like pulling teeth, then I validate her a lot and all I do is listen and give validating responses when appropraite.
So she never called me in the morning when she text to see if I was up. When I text her back saying I'm up, then she replied with grocery shopping. I simply said ok, but never heard from her until hours later when she text me and said she is still out running and had to go a lot further to find food she could eat. At this point I'm not playing this game anymore, so I'm not responding to it. I don't understand why she is playing this at all. it's time for radio silence and doing the last resort technique. Does anyone on here oppose to this idea. Should I even answer the phone if she calls. I'm thinking no. I'm done. I'll sign the papers once I can get someone to look at them and give me guidance on it. She will miss me when I am gone.
So once I get off my flight this morning back from the East Coast I turn my phone and and guess who text me. You got it, my wife. She just says hi and that's it. I don't respond and about an hour and half later she text again and says "Having a good 4th". Again I don't respond and then about 15 min later she text again with "I'm just laying around thinking. You're probably not going to respond to me."
What the hell is this crap. I don't get this behavior at all. Here I am doing exactly what she asks for. This just makes me mad more than anything. This game she is playing is getting real irritating to say the least. I don't respond because I just don't know what to say anymore. What the heck does she expect from me? How do you guys respond to this kind of behavior? At this point I feel that she thinks that she has some kind of control over me and can string me along and who know's it just might be for the fun of it.
I spent 5 days in her area and she couldn't even hold up what she told me she was going to do and that was to simply give me a call back when she was the one who asked if she could call me in the first place. At this point I feel extremely disrespected. I wouldn't treat anybody this way, let alone someone that I loved.
I asked you how you felt about the beauty comments & literally not having any other qualities of hers which you love. I know they exist, but I asked you how you felt (seeing that in writing.)
Other than what you "think" about things and how you wish you had done things, I miss hearing what you FEEL about it all.
To be clear - I believe you feel deep emotions, though I"m not sure you let yourself really go there. I'm not a T. But I wonder why you have not talked to someone.
Not my business but I sure as heck did not have the tools I needed to get through this.
((( )))
I'm not seeing a T. I know it's really hard for you guys to understand me and how I am able to deal with things because it isn't anywhere near the norm and maybe it's abnormal, but I am truly fine and I will always be fine.
Cali, is this an attribute to you? You want to "always be fine"? Because it reads to me as if nothing matters much to you. Or you cannot face it when they do. And yes it comes across as abnormal. The only people I know who literally talked to zero professionals when life threw them a heartbreak curve ball, will repeat the same choices they made originally. How can they not?
I'm so sorry to say that b/c I know it'll come across as an insult. I hope you can trust that it's not meant as one. Also, if you can, check out and address the numerous questions I asked of you in your letter. It's not really about "the letter" or what you wanted to say to your wife obviously, but how you view things and your part in it.
I deal with things really easily and I have thought about this in depth before when trying to understand why I don't have the same break downs as most others do. Who said seeing a therapist mean you were breaking down? And btw, who "broke down" in your life? What would that look like to you?
- as I have this entire time, I will be just fine and know life goes on and there is no reason for me to let anything ruin my life, even for a little bit. I am very optomistic about how things always turn out and I will always come out on top. This is just my view of life. I have learned a great deal through the kind of things I train in and coach. Dp you teach people how to cope with gut wrenching heartbreak?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I asked you how you felt about the beauty comments & literally not having any other qualities of hers which you love. I know they exist, but I asked you how you felt (seeing that in writing.)
I doesn't make me feel anything. What it does make me realize is that yes I should have address more than just her looks, because obviously it's more than just her looks as to why I married her. The simple truth is I addressed that directly because it has been a staple in her complaints about the marriage and one of the things she felt. She felt and thought that I wasn't physically attracted to her anymore, so I wanted to tell her again that isn't true.
Other than what you "think" about things and how you wish you had done things, I miss hearing what you FEEL about it all.
To be clear - I believe you feel deep emotions, though I"m not sure you let yourself really go there. I'm not a T. But I wonder why you have not talked to someone.
It's totally fine for you to feel this about me, but that doesn't make it true. Just because I tell you I will be fine has nothing to do with me trying to hide some sort of deep emotions. That is something I don't get. Why is it thought that I am or want to hide something like that? What benefit is it to me to lie about not being fine? I am pretty straight forward when I say that I will be fine.
Not my business but I sure as heck did not have the tools I needed to get through this.
((( )))
I'm not seeing a T. I know it's really hard for you guys to understand me and how I am able to deal with things because it isn't anywhere near the norm and maybe it's abnormal, but I am truly fine and I will always be fine.
Cali, is this an attribute to you? You want to "always be fine"? Because it reads to me as if nothing matters much to you. Or you cannot face it when they do. And yes it comes across as abnormal. The only people I know who literally talked to zero professionals when life threw them a heartbreak curve ball, will repeat the same choices they made originally. How can they not?
I'm so sorry to say that b/c I know it'll come across as an insult. I hope you can trust that it's not meant as one. Also, if you can, check out and address the numerous questions I asked of you in your letter. It's not really about "the letter" or what you wanted to say to your wife obviously, but how you view things and your part in it.
This "Cali, is this an attribute to you? You want to "always be fine"? Because it reads to me as if nothing matters much to you. Or you cannot face it when they do." is exactly what I expected to hear. This is why I said you guys will find it hard to understand. You're way or idea of how you or other people deal with things is far different then mine. I don't call this an attribute at all, but just the way it works for me. Trust me when I say I won't repeat the same mistakes. One of the main things about this forum for me is hashing out things for me to better understand how things went wrong so I know what not to repeat and how I affected it all. I personally need to understand within myself and make sense of it in a way I get understand. Hearing a lot of different view points really helps in that regard.
Nothing you ever do comes across as an insult. I am not the kind of person to take things that way. You don't know me well enough at all to understand that but it is true. Before something can come across as an insult it has to be intended as one. No one's intention on this forum is to insult the other person, so in order for me to take it as one I have to accept it as one, so again no offense at all taken. You are the main person in here who continues to work on this with me and it's greatly appreciated. Thank you, really thank you for all your help.
I will review the letter and I actually want to rewrite it in a simplified way. Basically take out all of the extra stuff I have in there that you pointed out to be overkill, extra or just not needed. I got a family Bar-B-Q to go to for the 4th and then to come back and pack for Hawaii to fly out tomorrow. I will be checking this on my tablet and again once I return home later to night to see the responses. I will have to get back into the letter once I am settled down in Hawaii.
I deal with things really easily and I have thought about this in depth before when trying to understand why I don't have the same break downs as most others do. Who said seeing a therapist mean you were breaking down? And btw, who "broke down" in your life? What would that look like to you?
That was just a general thought and yes people have broke down for numerous things around me. My wife being one of them. I wasn't actually tying breaking down and seeing a therapist as some sort of chain of events at all. I am fully aware that you can see a Therapist at any point and it doesn't have to be after you broke down. I think this was over analyzed and look at a little to deeply. I not quite sure what you mean by breaking down and what would it look like to me. That is a very vague question because it's going to differ from person to person and the situation. The degree of breakdown comes down to the individual too. The degree in which things effect me are different then the way others are going to be affected. Is that still unclear as to why I said I will be fine. Yes, my wife is doing this and I would rather it not happen. Yes, I don't like it. Is it going to make me stop living my life and breakdown, absolutely not. I truly understand this is a part of life and people go through things and the most important thing is how you deal with it and how you adjust to learn from the experience.
- as I have this entire time, I will be just fine and know life goes on and there is no reason for me to let anything ruin my life, even for a little bit. I am very optimistic about how things always turn out and I will always come out on top. This is just my view of life. I have learned a great deal through the kind of things I train in and coach. Dp you teach people how to cope with gut wrenching heartbreak?
I don't teach people specifically about gut wrenching heartbreak, but high stress is dealt with in the body and mind in a lot of the same ways. My body effects my mind and visa versa. The stress can be from a number of different factors in your life and heartbreak is definitely one of them. One of the ways to learn how to cope well under stress and to deal with the negative thoughts that come with it are under circumstances of high stress, especially when there is a possibility that you can be physically hurt. I know this isn't going into much depth, but it is what I do and deal with often not only with my clients, but I go through the same processes as well, which gives me a much deeper foundation to coach from.
I would like to know what your advice is to my most recent things going on with my wife. I find it is best to not say anything at all to her unless I know what direction I want to go, so as of right not I have not responded to any of her last 4 texts. In my head I have thought of saying. There is nothing more then what I want to do is communicate with my wife and to talk about things so I can better understand how I did things wrong. I just don't know what you want from me right now. Think of how you interacted with me in the last few days. I completely understand that you had plans and it was OK for you not to see me, but just leave it at that. Why ask to call me and then continually put it off over and over again and then ultimately not call. Then to text me when I am flying back home and tell me you are sitting there just thinking about things. You have said you were thinking about me in numerous texts. What does that mean? What more do you want from me? You already sent the divorce papers and I have to get a lawyer to help me understand it all. I told you once before that you don't give up on the people the you love and love you back. As of now you have completely abandoned everyone that is around me. You have no intention of ever coming back or to even talk about things to help me understand, so what is the point to it all?
If you still see something between us, now is the time to say. You are scared that I won't change. It's already to late for that and you will never know what kind of positive changes I have made unless you make the choice to fight for what you love. Trials and tribulations like this serve to make us both a better spouse and to make the marriage one that we are both happy with and proud of. You make it sound as if our relationship was terrible and I was terrible and if that's how you truly feel then just let it be done. I'm through trying and I am moving on with my life. It may not be now, but someday I hope you will realize that I was a true love and I planned on being the best man of your life.
So once I get off my flight this morning back from the East Coast I turn my phone and and guess who text me. You got it, my wife. She just says hi and that's it. I don't respond and about an hour and half later she text again and says "Having a good 4th". Again I don't respond and then about 15 min later she text again with "I'm just laying around thinking. You're probably not going to respond to me."
What the hell is this crap.
Sounds like a temperature check. I'm wondering if her family pushed her into filing for D. Her attitude doesn't seem to be consistent with someone that wants D, as I said before she really sounds like she's happy to stay in limbo.
Quote:
This game she is playing is getting real irritating to say the least. I don't respond because I just don't know what to say anymore. What the heck does she expect from me? How do you guys respond to this kind of behavior?
What do you want? Do you want to stop the informal chatting? If you think that's best for YOU, then send her one last note politely explaining that you're not going to be replying anymore because you feel that's best for both of you to move on. Then quit replying.
So once I get off my flight this morning back from the East Coast I turn my phone and and guess who text me. You got it, my wife. She just says hi and that's it. I don't respond and about an hour and half later she text again and says "Having a good 4th". Again I don't respond and then about 15 min later she text again with "I'm just laying around thinking. You're probably not going to respond to me."
What the hell is this crap.
Sounds like a temperature check. I'm wondering if her family pushed her into filing for D. Her attitude doesn't seem to be consistent with someone that wants D, as I said before she really sounds like she's happy to stay in limbo.
Quote:
This game she is playing is getting real irritating to say the least. I don't respond because I just don't know what to say anymore. What the heck does she expect from me? How do you guys respond to this kind of behavior?
What do you want? Do you want to stop the informal chatting? If you think that's best for YOU, then send her one last note politely explaining that you're not going to be replying anymore because you feel that's best for both of you to move on. Then quit replying.
I feel pretty strongly that her family pushed her to do things. I can imagine that she came to them depressed and instead of encouraging the right thing to do they pushed her to get a divorce. I'm sure her friends are involved too, not to mention other men that want her to be divorced so they can move in. Her behavior has been confusing since the beginning. Always doing this temperature check crap. It just irritates the heck out of me to be honestly. She needs to quite being a coward and stand up for herself in one way or the other. For one I struggle to entertain this kind of behavior from the get go. It isn't of my nature to do so at all. Like I have said before, I'm trying to do the right thing and give her enough time and grace that she may have afforded me. I still would like my marriage to move forward in a healthy direction and work on things like we agreed to do when we married. Every thing in me is telling me to be honest with the way I feel about it and it won't be a good experience for her. I will call it the way I see it and let her know it's cramp! Then again I know that probably isn't the best way to go about things and I certainly don't want to screw myself in the long run either way.
I just arrived in Hawaii and I get off the plane and turn my phone and guess what more crap from my wife!! This is what she sent me.
W: I do want to talk to you, but I understand if you don't want to talk to me. I can make it quick.
W: But you say I owe you a face-to-face. If you let me know you were coming to the DC area I could have arranged it. But showing up out of the blue I was not able to turn around and come back. You might not care about any of that.
W: But I will give you time to respond and if you don't I just text you a couple things.
W: You didn't respond the other day so I wasn't sure if I should call or not.
First of all this is all straight crap. If you tell someone you're going to call be adult about it and keep your word. She says she understands if I don't want to talk to her. This stuff all really irks me to no end. All I have been doing is trying to communicate with her about things and all she did was ignore and ignore everyone else too. I never once told her she owes me a face-to-face. I simply said that this should be done face to face and not through text messages! Come on now, how old are we? I mean it's not like we were just dating, I took a vow to this woman and she to me!
I know showing up out of the blue was on me, but I would think there are certain things in this life that you would make exceptions for and one of them is you're husband or soon to be ex-husband. This really is starting to show me the kind of crap I would have to deal with her and it tells me a lot about the kind of family life she grew up in. Why does she end all of the text with how I might not care about any of that? Is she freaking blind as a bat. I mean come on, what have I been doing this entire time. Why does she think I came to Virginia? She isn't a stupid person, but these are just ignorant comments to say the least.
What kind of game is all of this? Why does she continue to text me, especially when I finally have stopped responding to her. It's what she was doing to me the entire time and it's exactly what she wanted. She cares so little about the life she had with me and all that were involved that she just abandoned it with no look back and her intention the entire time was divorce, so why all this extra crap now. She basically just crapped on all the people that cared about her and still do! I still haven't responded to anything from her and why should I give her the respect now that I wasn't afforded once. Why should I give her the ability to have closure when I asked over and over for it?
What do I do about all of this. What are all your thoughts on this. Is this typical kind of action that happens with people in my situation? All she is doing is making me dislike her more and more and I feel like what we had was a huge lie. My family and friends already think that, especially when she told us she was never herself. That doesn't make anyone feel right about their relationship with her.
