25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4)

[25yearsmlc]

ps

it was a text, not an email. And we were exchanging texts on other matters, but if it had been an email, good grief, I'd keep it.

[Bdog37]

Hey 25,

I agree, this is a great place to vent and journal. Sorry, it sounds like you got a lot on your plate right now.

I just went through the FB thing with my STBEW and it wasn't easy to see so that is why I was just curious. Crazy how they can just flaunt their new love to the world like that without any care on how it will effect the LBS.

I have also recently lost my father, best friend, and my M so I know how hard things can get. Just keep thinking that when you are down so far there is only one way to go...and that is up.

[AnotherStander]

Hey 25, voice from the past here! I poked around to see if I could find some familiar names and yours was the first that caught my eye :-) Very sorry to hear the ugly turn things took with H. Sounds like his MLC or whatever it is is still in full control. I hope you're doing OK and using your wealth of strength to hold things together! I wish you the best!

[Cadet]

Hey 25, voice from the past here! I poked around to see if I could find some familiar names and yours was the first that caught my eye :-) Very sorry to hear the ugly turn things took with H. Sounds like his MLC or whatever it is is still in full control. I hope you're doing OK and using your wealth of strength to hold things together! I wish you the best!

Where have you been hiding?

[AnotherStander]

Where have you been hiding?

Here, there EVERYWHERE Man where does the time go, doesn't seem like I was gone that long but it's been like 2 years!

[bigybiz]

Hey 25yearsmlc:

Can you help? I just posted a question on my thread. Can you give me your insights.

[Starsky309]

25,

Just checked in here after probably more than a year away (other than a brief visit when J3B passed), and I was really sorry to see this thread. I haven't caught up yet, but I'll try to if I have the time but mostly I just wanted to pass along something I was never very good at: ((((hugs))))


You've done a ton of good here, and you deserve a better outcome.

Starsky/Puppy/Choc

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Starsky. It's a blow, for sure. I am trying hard to Not spend time on why or how h can do this b/c I don't think it'll get me anywhere. And in 2006 I journaled somewhere here, that if the Alaska obsession arose again or if there was an OW, I'd walk away and not look back. But that statement is very hard to live by.

And it hurts to be 57 and have this happen when you think you're past it. You think you'll be rewarded for your loyalty.

I got really sick in October, and H was not there for me. To ME, that is the biggest betrayal of my life. I am still incredulous h would go off to Alaska, when I most needed him. In fact, it might be the only time I was "needy" in my life.

I'm not sure how someone can inflict so much pain on the 4 people who loved him the most, and emerge unscathed. I feel as if h will be haunted, but who knows? Maybe I am only trying to console myself.

Maybe he can keep very busy on the tundra with his OW now. No need to see the wreckage. He posts on FB about meeting the love of his life and introducing his "honey" to his family, (which does not include our kids, but his dad & brother...


Our kids are unhappy with him, to say the least.

But they are supportive to me and urged me to file, and too many other red flags were waving at me anyhow. And they are close to each other, thank God. No matter what age kids are, they are affected.

You know what I really have to do?

Take my own damn advice from the past decade.

Bdog I will check your thread soon

[25yearsmlc]

I posted this to someone else and decided it could use repeating (if only for me).

"Conflict avoided is really Conflict delayed...and delayed conflicts rarely go away. They tend to fester & metastasize."

This ^^ is such an important lesson for me, (and of course for h, but he's not here.)

Now that I find the GDC (Gross Div Crap) almost paralyzing b/c every bank account or bill feels like a slap in my face

or triggers another review of the past -- I realize I'm really just avoiding the difficult work. Which is partly how I got here... It's the part of this I might be able to change.


I want the focus to be on MY choices, but I'll digress for a minute to mention how much of an epiphany this was for me.

About 3 years ago, h's dad (my FIL) chewed H out for a financial mistake & he did it while my kids and I were there, and which was really none of FIL's business, to be honest. But h was silently furious.

Obviously it was inappropriate for FIL to comment - 1) at all and or 2) in front of our children

but what fascinated me is that h was visibly angry and so...he went for a run right then. Yes, he literally RAN AWAY, for maybe a 5-6 hour run.

Later after he returned, nothing was said to or by his dad.

But h muttered to me that his dad was "not one to talk about financial obligations. He screwed my mother so badly in their divorce!"


Point being, my kids saw their dad in a very uncomfortable position with his own dad. H could have told his father to table the discussion or could have gone into a different room with him or just said he disagreed. Or hashed it out, I guess.

But instead, h ran...and to my knowledge h has never told his own father how deeply he resents him for being so unfair to h's mother, in their divorce of decades ago.

There are remarkable parallels now, in h's behavior and his own father's.

So much for conflict avoidance.

[kml]

There are remarkable parallels now, in h's behavior and his own father's.

Yeah, it's spooky how they repeat the dysfunctional patterns from their own childhood. My ex left our marriage when our kids were just about exactly the same ages as ex and his sibs were when their mom left. Even though just a couple of years earlier he had taken pride in convincing a friend of his t stay in his marriage. It's some crazy subconscious stuff that goes one.

(At first I accidentally typed "sunconscious" - I like that word! I want to be "sunconsious"!)