Firstly I thank you for being here and appreciate your support.
Having been reading your own situations on these boards I have seen much to know I can benefit from telling my own situation.
I have been married 7-years and have been in a relationship with my wife for the past 12-years, we have 2 children together aged 7 and 10. D-Day was Jan 8th 2017 when my wife told me she had been having an affair with a co-worker since Nov 2016, to say I was devastated would be an understatement!
Throughout this time and up until Feb 18th 2017 I remained in the family home but having to cope with a physical affair being played out in front of my boys and me, this was extremely hard on us. My wife would come home late from work each night and wait for the "ping" of her mobile to which she would then go and get herself dolled up to meet her AP leaving a massive void at home and me answering difficult questions asked by my boys.
I couldn't take this any more and asked her to move out which she refused, the situation got worse to a point where she might as well have copulated with her AP on our dining room table, I was being systematically tortured mentally and she didn't care. I moved into a place of my own and arranged joint custody of our boys each week, this was and remains very amicable. Throughout this period my wife changed dramatically to a point where not just me but my boys as well didn't know who this person was! I decided to find out how better to manage this, ... was a great help in explaining what most people go through and the 3-phases that encompasses it's process; Limerence.
This information really gave me comfort for the below reasons: -It always ends (3-36 months) -My wife IS NOT herself she is basically a prisoner to a cocktail of brain chemicals that changes her mentally. -The LO is almost always a pale example of her long term partner (never a better person.)
I'm not sure if my wife is in limerence or that it was an exit affair but it's still going strong. When I asked her why she did it she said it was nothing I had done and that we had a good marriage. I would agree and that's why it hurt me so much.
Moving on until today and I am in my own place and see my boys every day either in person (I prefer) or by FaceTime not the same. My wife is still deep into her affair but see's me in person almost every day but always at my new "home", I am just beginning to use some strategies with her as I am still deeply in love with her and know our marriage if we can R will be so much better than before (although it was good from the outset)
I have ordered DR and intend to read it but am doing the following (any comments whether they are right or wrong truly appreciated)
LC - I basically stay dark I never initiate conversations in any shape or form. When she comes around I am there but separate myself from her- she comes to me.
P.I.E.S - I'm basically working on improving myself, this is not for her but for me but obviously she might notice
When she's around being her best friend - listening to her a lot and validating positively. Being her safe place - I basically want her to feel she can come to me if she needs comfort or just someone to talk to and not be judgemental or pressured by awkward questions about the A.
Complimenting often and gauging the response.
All the time I'm engaged in being the best husband I can trying to make her laugh whilst showing her the massive investment in being a great father to my most treasured.
There as been no mention of D and I am now predicting heated moments and pre-empt these by staying neutral. Sometimes all of this is extremely hard especially when I slide and start to see those pictures of them in my head but know that statistically their relationship is very hard to sustain but I'm not relying on these and am working on my life getting better every day with or without her...
My only concern now is whether I can keep this up but hope to see the cracks start to appear... Your thoughts?
Appreciate all those that got to this point in my post
Thanks Mark
Last edited by Cristy; 06/02/1711:08 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I think my biggest challenge and that of a lot out there is does it really begin to dissipate? Does those feelings my WW have for her AP/LO start to wain in her OR him? I've not thought about how the AP/LO see's this relationship is it just for the physical side? He is married also and has 2 small children (2 & 4) can their relationship typically continue for ever? The stats would suggest not...
Can anybody shed any light on whether the statistics can be relied on?
Thanks again
Mark
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
You seem like you have a great handle on the situation
sorry you had to leave the home usually it is the MLCer who leaves
Protect yourself financially The MLCer will spend everything and more
Many become terrible parents, so watch that as well
as far as your strategies--seem good This is usually a long process Some spouses return, although they are not the same unless they do massive therapy Many continue down the MLCer path for many years You will read many stories here, many Mlcer share same characteristics You will know more as time passes and you see where she is headed good luck
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I totally agree and am beginning to see some minute benefits.
1. I am more positive with what is happening, I have dark days of course where I feel I can't continue to do this but are getting more infrequent.
2. I am in control, not bothered about what the WW and AP/LO are up to.
3. I'm slowly getting through!
Last night (Thur 1st June) my WW came around to see the boys and again I made myself scares and got out of the way after all she's there to see them not me, I was on these forums and just gaining as much info as I could when she approached me. I stayed happy confident and consistent and basically talked about anything other than the A. I am using some tools to monitor our interactions whilst journaling and this is helping me to know what and what NOT to do.
We had a great night talking and it felt like old times, she then had a call on her mobile and I instantly knew it was the AP/LO she didn't answer it and instead put it away. We continued to talk again about the past and good holidays in Egypt and the relationships we made with people there. She also mentioned that she found photos of these holidays in the folders "next to her wedding dress" I obviously knew where and what these were from the description but made me think that she is seeing these days in a positive light instead of re-writing them as is the norm when WW enter into an A.
I am waiting for the push-back though as I know it will be coming but again am prepared for it.
Bringing this back to limerence I feel that after only 6-months this interaction showed a positive result in doing the above and again gives me a massive boost to continue, it might be saying to her well I'm getting the best of both worlds here BUT cannot ignore her when she interacts with me!
This is beginning to worry me as some might say that I am allowing her to continue her affair with little consequences BUT again I'm not pursuing she pursues me and I remain "dark" at all other times! I can't again stop her from seeing our boys also as this would not only hurt her but my boys and I will not do that.
This is a very difficult balancing act and one in which I appreciate the forums views on.
Thanks again
Mark
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sorry your going through this man. Right here with you minus the kids. I have not reacted well but I can tell what didn't work, living proof:
1) My begging and constant calling pushed her way far back. 2) If you remember her PWs to certain things, have her change them of do your best not to look. I seen some ungodly things I wish I haven't. 3) Me worrying about their every step, something you cannot control no matter what their doing. 4) Sitting alone saying woe is me. If felt good for people to feel sorry for me for awhile but it still didn't change a thing. 5) Being inconsistent with actions, you will slip up but just keep going. Once I started GALing, she took a pretty big notice but it can backfire if you throw it in her face.
Seems like you are doing this well, keep it up. The very bad days become bad days then sometimes good and so on. Its been 9 months now for me. Small breakthroughs came for me when I became sincere and honest with her and myself. If they are some changes she wanted you to make then do them but only if you can live with them and you agree that it will improve your relationship and general well being.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Do you see her much in person? Have you seen a positive affect in her with what you're doing? Is what you're doing much the same as me?
I have ordered the DR book and am waiting to devour it and hopefully will gain even more tools to help me fight for my marriage. I'm so happy to have found somewhere I can vent and gain an insight into what is good and what isn't so good.
Honestly I feel that her coming to me is possibly hindering the solution here and could drag this out longer than I can sustain it for BUT deep in the back of my mind I know she is worth it, the boys deserve it and the AP/LO WILL NOT WIN..
Take care and keep strong, with patience and hope everything is possible.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
