My wife of 5 years gave me the I Love You But speech in Jan. I fully admit, I panicked and I did everything wrong. I begged, I reminded her of our vows, I accused her of having an affair to her family (she isn't but there is a friendship which I believe is having an affair like effect). I finally stopped panicking, but the damage had been done. We'd gone from being able to be civil around each other to her absolutely hating me.
She says she never loved me, married me with the intention of divorcing me, she says I tricked her by being a different person before we got married than after, she blames me for our son, for everything that happened to her in our relationship is my fault.
I am out of town (visiting her family, who all think she should work things out with me and have told her that) and she called me yesterday and said that she has been thinking of moving out, in with her friend, and if she meets someone she wants to be able to date them (I had requested that as long as she is legally with me we not date other people). I then asked her if she had filed for divorce and she said no and that she wasn't going to.
I have read DB, DR, and so many books, and I'm going to meet with a telephone coach soon, but what are things I can do today to stop hurting my relationship with my wife, and buy more time so she doesn't move out.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
A few additional things I thought of that I was advice for:
We haven't had sex in months, but her sister was telling me that just a few weeks ago my wife was telling her she wishes I was more dominant in bed and would just take her. Should I still not pursue sex?
I'm going home tonight after being with her family for two weeks. I honestly had a really good time, enjoyed myself, and I know it bothered my wife that I was enjoying myself without her. I didn't text her or beg or plead, and while she insists nothing has changed, she did say that everything hit her two days ago and she has been crying since (I know that's true, I had a question about our son so I called and she was crying on the other end of the phone, I asked what was wrong and she said "Nothing" so I hung up. What should I do when I get back into town? I feel like she has been walking all over me, expecting me to be the full-time baby-sitter, and just being rude and making me feel unwelcome in my own house. I'm going to work on GAL when I get back, but honestly, I've had two weeks of GAL with her family and it was awesome. I sense a change. I just feel like she's fighting it.
I'm considering going home, dropping our son off and then leaving again for a week or two. She said she enjoyed her freedom for the past two weeks, but it was without a kid. Maybe the reality of being alone with out son will shake things up. Bad idea?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
She says she never loved me, married me with the intention of divorcing me, she says I tricked her by being a different person before we got married than after, she blames me for our son, for everything that happened to her in our relationship is my fault.
Downhub,
Sorry you're here, but keep posting. It helps. I hope you understand the statement above is 100% related to your W's guilt. This is a classic action by WAS that they spew pain to everyone but themselves to help justify their actions.
It hurts, it's painful to hear, etc. I just hope to give you some understanding of your W's mind right now based on what others have seen and described on this site. They want anything they can grab on to in order to justify their behavior. You tricked her, she never loved you, blah, blah, blah. You can see there is no responsibility for herself.
I know it doesn't stop the hurt, but I hope this softens the hurt. Be sure to read the links that Cadet posted. It's helpful and keep coming back to post on your sitch.
All the best.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
It is painful to hear. I just keep telling myself that it isn't true, that she did love me, there was a reason she married me. She told me today in no uncertain terms that she "never wants me in her life" that there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation, and that we will never be together again. We are currently still living together, but she has mentioned moving out. I don't want to move out myself, or file, but I may leave our son and go out of town for a week or two.
Another problem I have is that I feel that my wife walks all over me. For example, this weekend she has planned a two day fishing trip, without consulting me, just assuming that I will stay at home and watch our son. I need to know how to develop healthy boundaries so she can't walk all over me, but where I don't come off controlling.
Don't move out or leave. She wants out, mentioned of moving out, let her do it. The courts might not look fondly on you moving out, so think about your son and don't go. Understand wanting space, but don't leave. Focus on you and your son.
Have you ever read...? If not, check it out. It's more about being assertive than boundaries, but it's an eye opener.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
