Physically separated from my wife for 3 months. I pretty much did all the wrong things for the first 2.5 months, then I read the book (Divorce Remedy). I can't say that I've been completely followed all the suggestions at all times since then, but I've been trying, and I've noticed some improvements for sure. She is seeing someone else though, and tells me she likes him. I've never been especially supportive or complimentary, and that's the main reason she left. Apparently he is all the things I wasn't.
Anyway, I'm committed to improving those areas, amongst others, and have thought long and hard about how to do it. I wrote her an email and discussed with her all of this, and that I want to try and fix our marriage. She's obviously skeptical, but seemingly less so every time I talk to her. All of her words seem to indicate that it's too little too late though, and that she doesn't want to be married to me anymore. Her body language, OTOH, and her inviting me over every now and then, is telling me that she's still considering it. I think she just doesn't want to lead me on or give me false hopes, but she wants to test me. We talk or see each other once or twice a week, and then she just disappears for a few days in between.
We went out for drinks last night, and she told me that she doesn't want to see a counselor or work on the marriage (I asked her previously to) and that she thought it was over. As much as that hurt, I kept it together, and while I expressed my regret, I was very accepting of her decision. Then something strange happened. I could see the surprise on her face at the way I handled the bad news. Her body language completely changed and she began casually touching me a lot. I changed the subject and we got another drink. We talked about movies, politics, the world. Then we got some take-out food and went back to my place. We watched some TV, ate, and she got really comfy on the couch, putting her legs over mine almost like we never separated. She stayed for about an hour and then she left, texted me something funny in the morning, and then radio silence since then.
I'm pretty exhausted from the constant emotional rollercoaster we've been on. Not pursuing her is really tough though, and the thought of her out with that other guy is eating away at me. I'm tempted to tell her that if she's sure that she doesn't want to make any effort to saving our marriage that we might as well file for divorce now. I absolutely don't want that, but I don't want to be in this holding pattern either. I'm willing to be patient, but it's apparently not my strong point, and the silence between our communications is deafening.
Any words of wisdom from those who've been there? Should I trust her words or my gut?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here. People more competent than me will give you lots of great advice, but they'll need more information from you. So you should provide a little more personal info.
Fx: How long have you been together? How old are you? Any kids? Did she leave before she started "liking" the guy you mentioned or did you suspect any interaction between them before the separation?
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
From my experience it's she is giving you enough crumbs to keep you attached, whether that's as a back up plan encase the new men doesn't work out or because she needs to keep you on side as a support mechanism, I don't know
Read Cadets list, knowledge is key, keep posting, sending you support and a big hug.
Me: 40 W: 36 T21 M17 S12 D10 D10 ILYBNILWY EA happened. PA happened. June 2016 trying to piece our M and life's back together...
Some more info: Me: 38, Her:28 Married: 1.5yrs, Together: 4yrs - Almost inseparable the whole time. No kids. She changes her mind frequently on wanting them. She met the guy after we separated. She's also dated others, and took a 2 week vacation by herself to escape all the stress this ordeal was causing her. I've dated others too, but I'm basically just going through the motions because all I can really think about is her.
She's also expressed that maybe she never wants to be married or tied down at all again, and she might be polyamorous. Her lifestyle (other than her career) has had a couple complete 180's, where she jumps in with both feet and then later reverts back. Whereas I'm open minded, but much more slow and cautious in general.
As far as Sandi's rules: I pretty much did the exact opposite of that for a while, and have gradually moved to following them over the last 2 weeks. I have to say, it seemed to improve things. It's a real leap of faith to follow them though. I know I should stop initiating all contact with her, but I really want opportunities to show her how I've improved. And I really don't want her to become more attached to the guy she's dating, though that's likely out of my power.
I know she's conflicted, but I'm starting to believe her when she says "it's too little, too late".
You'll find some evidence of success if you read through the link on that topic or read some of the older posters' threads. But, what you will find more than that is people who defused very tense situations and gave themselves time to think and heal, people who gave up waiting even though the WAS or WS was still coming around, or people who are much happier in the divorce than they probably would have otherwise. Once you've been around here a bit you realize that divorce busting is more about improving your own life and helping you move on from the pain. If those things cause your spouse to wake up great, but either way you still win. If you find a better recipe for success, come back and let everyone here know.
She's also expressed that maybe she never wants to be married or tied down at all again, and she might be polyamorous. Her lifestyle (other than her career) has had a couple complete 180's, where she jumps in with both feet and then later reverts back. Whereas I'm open minded, but much more slow and cautious in general.
As far as Sandi's rules: I pretty much did the exact opposite of that for a while, and have gradually moved to following them over the last 2 weeks. I have to say, it seemed to improve things. It's a real leap of faith to follow them though. I know I should stop initiating all contact with her, but I really want opportunities to show her how I've improved. And I really don't want her to become more attached to the guy she's dating, though that's likely out of my power.
I know she's conflicted, but I'm starting to believe her when she says "it's too little, too late".
Hello b77,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
At this point you can't believe any of what she says and only half of what she does. Focus all of your time, effort and energy into becoming the best b77 that only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Is there anyone on this forum who has used these techniques and actually succeeded in saving their marriage?
I did. I 180'd, GAL'd, detached, and moved on like a pro. That's what brought her back. I got back in great shape, dressed better, was going out all the time. She wanted me to go back to the crying broken mess I was when I first found out she was cheating. They sure do love to have that kind of control over you.
Anyway, I detached so much I woke up one day and said screw this, I don't want a cheater for a spouse. I filed for D. That snapped her out of it big time. I went from pursuer to pursued. The whole script got flipped. We got back together and worked on it for 2+ years. Guess what though? I really did detach. This program told me to detach, GAL, and move on and I did. I decided I'm better than having a cheating spouse even if they're no longer cheating. This method helped me find my self respect. Now I'm the one divorcing her and moving on and I couldn't be more excited about my future. I wish her well but to me life is way too short to tolerate a cheater in my life.
