All of this is past.. i share bits and pieces of my experience. Does it help and benifit others? I do not know but some of you do relate to my experience.
The experiences that posters have help us and more importantly, the new people who come here searching for answers.
BTW, be sure to link your old thread to this one. It helps others to go back and find your older threads. I've linked your new thread to the old one, since I had locked it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don' t want to highjack someone else's thread so I will share on here for everyone to see.
The bid D.. I am the one who filed. Ex-H was in heavy replay and I needed security for the future of our children. They were my, (what is the word) motivation, goal, I got to do this right.. by them and for them..
Refusing to have his badge( in my case ) or to have his work license revoked ( in the thread I do not want to highjack) is totally understandable. It could have devastating repercussions on both party' s future. My dear friend feared my Ex at one point. She was scared and I felt awful. I told her to call the cops if she felt uneasy and she refused exactly because of those repercussions. Not for him but for me and the children.
So, with that said, I documented everything. I kept the unstoppable phone messages on USB to show the rapid cycling of love, anger, rage, threats, remorse, love, rinse and repeat.... With everyone involved, ( lawyer, counsellor, friends of mine , police reports, child and family services), ex-h would have lost it all if he would have killed me. Yes, I did fear for my life and so did my counsellor. Thankfully, I did not have to use his own behavior against him.
I wanted to cut all ties ex-H had with me with the exception of the children. My goal has been reached. Our children' s future is all set. Their education is secured and they each have 10K to get them started. The last tie ex-h has with me is his child support which we no longer need yet he refuses to stop. He could very well start an account under their names and deposit his support himself.. NOPE.. I have to do it because he does not trust himself with money.. lol Once I free myself of this last tie, I am hoping to feel a huge weight off my shoulder and a sense of freedom which I have not yet felt.
All emotions aside, my children needed a bright future. a chance to a good education and a roof over their head. If ex-h would agree on this, everything was irrelevant. I am very independent. I did not want him to support me. Keep in mind that I was only 38 years old and healthy. If the divorce would have happened in my 50' s or 60' s, after a 30 or 40 years marriage, my needs would have been different..
What was I protecting with this case I build?? MY MOTHERHOOD!! My home and my children' s future. Anything ex-h would have invented on me to cause me to lose my children would have brought war from deep inside of me. My marriage to him and our 4 children were my pride and joy. Him not wanting to be part of us, I had no control on it but him trying to take them away? I was not going to let it happen.
I will have a part 2 on the big D.. for now, i want to share a quote from my councellor:
No one is perfect.. we all make mistakes or lose our cool at some specific moment... WHAT WE DO ABOUT IT AFTERWORDS is of the upmost importance.. we can correct it or leave it. Be prepered for the consequences of your choice.. Me, as an individual, i have to do what is right for me with my children in mind.
Be forgiving of yourself. If you do wrong to others by your standards( meaning you feel bad about it in your heart), apologise or explain why??
I was criticized on this board for sharing my version of Ex-H' s story instead of mine. Well, I believe his story is what brought me here in the first place. The unexpected twist of good and evil in matter of second.
It is only fair to share an update on his situation from what I am aware of. Both Ex-H and current lady still drink, fight, make up and live in la-la land without regards to the environment they create for others living with them. Therefor, Little lady' s son moved out 2 years ago and does not keep in touch with them. Her daughter has one more year before graduating high school and is planning on doing that year in Kap.., where she is originally from. Her and Ex-h' s do not get along. In my son' s opinion, if ex-h does not clean his act, no-one will be in touch with him in the near future.
And there it is... Joy, love and happiness????... Mascarade..
This is why we are told on here to detach, be nice, be good but let their MLC run its course. Watch the show. If they chose the family in the future, they will do what it takes to get the family. Simple as that!! Step aside and let them figure their sh*t out..
Please keep to one thread until you've reached 100 postings. I have merged your two threads together as they both are under 10 postings.
I want to caution readers about the stages...they are just a guideline because each and every individual that goes through a crisis will react/behave a bit different because each and every person is unique in personality, as well as their childhoods are different.
The timelines are also nothing more than a guideline.
One of the reasons that we don't post the guidelines more often is because posters become more focused on the timelines and may possibly think that their spouses will follow the stages and timelines to a "T". It doesn't happen that way. The stages are not linear and people can bounce back and forth through the stages for quite some time.
As w/the stages of grief...everyone goes through it differently. The best thing to do is keep the focus on you and your family and allow the man upstairs to guide you and your spouse throughout the crisis. The journey is not a sprint, but a very long marathon and the people involved will come out the other side w/many changes.
If you would prefer that I add the link for the signs to the must read thread, I'll be happy to do so and remove the postings for the signs and stages from this particular thread. Please notify me w/what you would like for me to do.
Last edited by job; 05/25/1705:26 AM. Reason: Merged threads
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
