How can he look at me hurting and feel nothing to not want to ease my pain while I'm carrying his child ?
IMHO, this one statement, alone, signifies that something in him is not like it should be. I do believe waywardness is capable of affecting the person's sensitivity toward their spouse......b/c the WH is focused on himself....not his W and kids. The more the wayward spouse wants out of the M, the colder he will act. I have read many accounts of the cruelty inflicted by a wayward spouse.
I'm not one to think a wayward feels much guilt at the time s/he is wanting out of the M, mostly b/c he will justify his feelings. Guilty feelings come later, if they experience remorse. However, seeing his W carry his unborn child....just might cause him unpleasant moments of consciousness. It's easier for him to stay away or ignore you, and then he is not reminded of his responsibilities to his family.
It's not you,.....it's him. This is not the man you married and thought you'd spend your life with forever. Do not accept blame for him relapsing (if that is what he's doing), b/c these actions were his choices. Do you get that part? Nothing he has done has been against his free will. When one spouse suddenly changes their attitude and conduct toward the other spouse, and they begin to display suspicious behavior....it's b/c they are choosing to do it.
He knows perfectly well that you wanted to work through whatever were the problems, but he didn't want to do it. He chose to be unkind to the mother of his children, and for you to understand why....may never come. In his heart of hearts, he knows he is the one who left the MR. He continued to be a jerk, while thinking of only himself. So now, he has to deal with the consequences of those actions.
I don't know what his attitude will be toward the baby when it comes. He may not bond with it, since he wants to pull away. As I told my daughter once, you cannot make someone be a father when they choose not to be. I think the same is true in marriage. We can't make someone love us, or be a good spouse.....or anything else.
You are going to make it. How do I know? B/c you are a tough cookie, little sister, and those are the type of women who use their determination in going forward and building a life for themselves and their children, in spite of the current pain. It's natural to mourn the death of a marriage, even as you prepare to move forward and build a new life. Don't feel badly for the tears you shed.
I'm rambling, so I'll hush.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I feel like if I'm going to tell him no joint counseling that I mind as well pack his bags
He's a big boy. He can pack his bags all by himself.
Seriously, T, I know you're too close to the situation to see the best route to take. But it's the same as everyone else's. And Thornton is exactly right. It is not a good idea to go to counseling when one spouse is wayward. I know your mind is saying "b-b-b-but!" But NO. Your situation isn't that different from anyone else's.
is it possible to still DB and not go to C together
Oh, yes. Absolutely. But, girl, this is a process (a marathon, not a sprint). And if you're going to bust a D, your H first has to respect you. There is no love without respect ... at least not for long. And that means you have to put your game face on. Trying to shame him or make him feel sorry for you and the kids so that he stays out of guilt or obligation is NOT going to cut it. He might stay a little longer for a while, but certainly not forever. That's a "bridge" built of straw.
You've got your own work to do, too. You might want to sit with the question of why, deep-down, you really and truly want to fight for the kind of H and M that leaves you alone while you're pregnant. The kind of H that leaves his family for a practical child. The kind of H who goes out and gets drunk and has his boss contact you ....
Why don't you *know* you deserve better than that?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
T0324, Sandi2 nailed it. I struggle with your same thoughts, not just daily, but hourly! It kills to see your H completely disregard your feelings, your marriage and his responsibilities as a H and father with seemingly no valid reason and no remorse. It is absolutely HIM! You may have played a role in your imperfect marriage, but his choices and actions are NOT your fault! These are HIS sins and, someday, he will have to face them. We may not ever understand what happens on this side of eternity, but know your faithfulness will be rewarded. There are days I'm shocked to find my heart still beating and my lungs still breathing because of the pain...but it's still beating and I'm still breathing. God promises to give us our daily bread. Not our yearly, monthly or weekly bread, but rather just enough to get through each day. Take one day at a time. You are beautiful and you are loved. Be the wonderful mom you are and work on being the best version of yourself possible.
Me 35, H 33 T 10, M 7 D 2 EA confirmed 12/22/2014 H moved out 2/1/2016 Returned 3/18/2016, H gave back my wedding ring 8/3/2016 H became distant 10/24/2016 H Moved out Filed 3/17/2017
I am just so upset. I know what's coming. I just feel it.
How can there be any hope? Everything he's doing shows me he's done. How can he do this before a baby comes. There is always hope.
But Asking how he can do this---ever---has no good answer. It's truly not a question with an answer YOU will find peace in. One big regret of mine, among many, is spending too much time on asking why or how.
Without hyperventilating, just slowly let out air and take it in and focus on NOW b/c you have too much else going on.
I know I have to stop talking but I just don't know how to. I'm trying. I really am. I just am so hurt and upset.
I feel by not talking we are just going further apart. the one clear thing to me in your situation is that your talking to him makes things worse 9/10 of the time.
As a woman, I confess that I think your hormones are pushing you more than you are cognitively aware of.
He does NOT want to talk about the marriage right now. You do. He does not.
So you do anyhow. Then it pushes him away further and...and...you want to talk about your m again. You tell yourself that not talking is bad, so that you can talk about it again. And it bites you 9/10 of the time...
So, What do you mean when you say you are "Trying to stop talking"?
I want to stop crying and being upset. I am so over this. I want to feel like I'm doing something to make things better and I can't. sometimes stillness is what we need most. Like when we are due to have a baby.
I don't want to have a baby in this situation. I know...((( )))
It tells me so much about how he doesn't give a [censored] about me for him to do this right now during this time of me having a baby
T0, please figure out a way to stop bringing up the marriage. I'm not sure how you will do that b/c you have been advised about it before, but you really are not helping yourself.
I mean, with or without your h or a recon, I'm just talking about you Not spinning.
There are many times I remind myself to take my own advice. Been there, done that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
sometimes LBSers focus exclusively on recon b/c they really really want their old life back
but when faced with how their m has been "recently" (however long that is), they realize only much later
that what they thought they were fighting for, may no longer be what they need or seek or even wanted back in the first place.
I mean, sometimes we just don't want to be rejected, even if the m wasn't what we hoped for and had not been, for some time.
just a thought
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you for taking the thought and time to reach out to me.
It's really truly only been since mid February that I noticed a change. I got distant in response to his distance and resentful and then the first week of March I snapped and flipped out asking if there was someone else.
I've STFU today. It was hard and the morning was rough but I dealt with it myself. H came and picked me up to go get our taxes done at our accountant. I called her this morning and explained the situation and she ran the numbers of me filing separately and it didn't make financial sense so I then felt fine going with him. I made sure I was dresssdd nice and I was getting in my car to leave as he pulled up. So I ended up driving with him. He asked me how my dr appt was and asked how I was feeling. First time since February. I just kept it short. He brought up a few things in the car small talk and I just gave short but polite answers and then kept quiet and didn't initiate conversation.
We got really bad news at our accountant. We normally get a large refund. Well we owe a very large amount this year. I felt bad that this made me slightly happy in a sense. I figured H would split the refund with me and use it to get an apartment. I know it's terrible of me to be able to smile about him having more money to pay out. I kind of feel like it's karma. I mean it [censored] for me too to not get a refund but oh well. He then asked our accountant about next year and what do we need to do to avoid owing so much and then asked about when I graduate and am making good money how should we prepare for that. I didn't inquire abojt the future because I know better.
We then went and watched the boys for the end of their soccer practice. I didn't try to talk to him and just interacted with the other moms there that I'm friends with. We stopped and got dinner and just got home. He made a point t tell me multiple times he's going to bed early.
He asked me what we're doing this weekend. I told him the boys didn't have soccer games since it's Easter and I was planning on taking them to an Easter egg hunt. He then asked if we were going to go visit my grandparents like we normally do for Easter.
I'm not sure if I let him come along or just tell him I'm going to take the boys alone? I obviously did not invite him.
Oh and I don't know if I mentioned this but I did pull H aside and said while you are still in this house the texting and FB messaging another girl needs to stop. Be respectful of the home and if you can't then leave. He said he wasn't talking to anyone as he's told me the last month. I said you're not fooling me the only person you're fooling is yourself and I walked away.
(((To))) I'm still here with you. Haven't posted because I don't feel I have much new to add. I love the advise and support you are getting here! Cream of the crop right here.
After reading your last 2 posts, I wanted to ask how you feel about today? How do you feel about the way you handled it? Do you feel like you avoided more R/M talks? Did you avoid more conflicts? Did you reduce your own stress a little bit? Did you feel stronger after those interactions?
Because from this side of the screen, I think you did great! I hope you can see that and feel good about your accomplishments (being able to STFU and good DB practice). Its all about the baby steps, day by day, and reminding yourself that YOU CAN DO this. And don't you feel better when you do it? You get a little bit more dignity and power back and that feels good. And you take away his ammunition. Win win.
So each day wake up and before you start spinning, remind yourself of this. You have proved you can do this! Remember that.
While DB is for the self--and not to win back the spouse IMO--it doesn't hurt to remind yourself that the best revenge is to succeed at it! If you want to punish H (don't we all want to just a little, come on, be honest) well then you do that by showing him you are strong, confident, and detached! If he sees you perfectly okay on your own, well that will get him second guessing himself. More than anything! That's why I say--win win.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
This , what Blu said. We all keep saying the same thing trying to encourage you, but we all use different words, each of us hoping that someone, with the right combination, will hit home with you. We love you, TO.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Yes I do feel somewhat better. I'm still faking it but I at least feel that after a few days he's going to wonder why I haven't brought anything up especially if I don't go to counseling with him Wednesday.
I know me telling him no texting in the house was probably not DB but I wanted him to know I'm not an idiot and I know something is up even if I don't have concrete proof to show him he doesn't know that. So if he is doing something he can just wonder the depth of what I know. That's why I said you're only fooling yourself and left it at that so he can wonder.
I'm going to try and repeat today. I have a ton of school stuff and lots of baby stuff to get prepared for. At my dr appointment they said it could be any day. I'm having fairly moderate frequent contractions but they come and go. I'm hoping the baby stays put until the 24th. I told my dr I don't have time before then. She said I'm the first person to ever say that.
So if anyone has any advice for this weekend I would appreciate it. I think as of now I am going to just get the boys dressed to do the things I planned on and we will go and if H chooses to come along he can. I won't remind him of plans or times. If he chooses to go out this weekend so be it. I'm just not sure if I should specifically say to him that just the kids and I are going and if he would like he can do something separately with them later?
