I'm positive about the EA though she refuses to admit it. Even giving her the benefit of the doubt only gets to "she just doesn't see it" so not much help there. I'm less positive about the PA. Though I keep adding 2+2 and getting 4, I don't have any proof. For sake of argument though, yes, I believe that she cheated on me.
I'm guessing you're in the "run, don't walk" camp?
Run, don't walk? No, I'm in the "I don't put up with cheaters" camp. That is the lowest thing that a spouse could do.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I have a very low opinion of adultery, but sadly enough I've lived through worse things a spouse can do (first marriage). That said... If she ever got the point where she genuinely wanted to work on "us," I'd be there. I don't know at this point if I'd be able to forgive or trust, but I'd try.
wanted to work on "us," I'd be there. I don't know at this point if I'd be able to forgive or trust, but I'd try.
Have to have both to make it work. Example...let's say she is "running late" at the store, caught up in traffic, whatever - would a smidgen of doubt enter your mind? If there is even a little, then trust isn't there. And being in a relationship where you don't fully, 100% trust that person is, well, ridiculous, to put it lightly. The question is, how could you trust someone who so deceived you as to sleep with someone else? Ultimate disrespect.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
wanted to work on "us," I'd be there. I don't know at this point if I'd be able to forgive or trust, but I'd try.
Have to have both to make it work. Example...let's say she is "running late" at the store, caught up in traffic, whatever - would a smidgen of doubt enter your mind? If there is even a little, then trust isn't there. And being in a relationship where you don't fully, 100% trust that person is, well, ridiculous, to put it lightly. The question is, how could you trust someone who so deceived you as to sleep with someone else? Ultimate disrespect.
Im having a hard time reconciling this line of thinking with what MWD talks about in the first chapter of DR. The whole premise of the book is that it is better for everyone to stay and work through these issues rather than getting a divorce.
I consider this site to be for attempting to save marriages through even the worst of the worst of circumstances. Of course, we know that isnt always the likely (or even possible) outcome. But I believe that the advice presented here is always with the slant towards preserving the marriage as long as the poster is interested in that. I know I personally have a hard time telling someone that they should stop standing for their marriage.
Yes. I know. Right now, conceptually, EastTN has no marriage to save. His W is off with some OM somewhere doing something. But I think the advice to tell him to 'close the door' on the chance of reconciling because of the affair is a disservice to the intent of the philosophy put forward in the books.
Right now, the best thing you can do for your marriage is to follow Sandi's rules laid out in the stickied thread. Luckily, it is also the best thing for you, personally.
His W is off with some OM somewhere doing something. But I think the advice to tell him to 'close the door' on the chance of reconciling because of the affair is a disservice to the intent of the philosophy put forward in the books.
The fact is, his wife is off with someone. Period. Can you show me where I said to close the door? You can't. What I said was to let her go. If she comes back, then she does. If not, then he needs to be prepared. Real life. Not false hope.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Im having a hard time reconciling this line of thinking with what MWD talks about in the first chapter of DR. The whole premise of the book is that it is better for everyone to stay and work through these issues rather than getting a divorce.
Working through issues and the spouse sleeping with someone are two different ballgames. Whether someone can look past the deception and all that goes with sleeping with someone else is something they need to decide for themselves...if so, then what is their line? This rolling over is, well crap, to put it nicely. Maybe what really needs to be looked at are their own selfish, maybe even needy, reasons as to why this behavior is acceptable.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I don't believe the behavior is remotely acceptable. I'm working on being prepared for her not coming home. The truth is that is what I expect at this point. I agree with Kaizen that there is currently no marriage to save.
I agree with you that if it cannot be gotten past, then there will never be reconciliation. Wondering where she is and what she's doing, and who she's doing it with are no way to live a life. That's why I said I was willing to TRY. I don't know that I would succeed, and if I couldn't, then that would be all she wrote, but I'd be willing to TRY. How can anyone claim to honor their marriage vows (regardless of what the spouse has done) if they aren't willing to TRY?
I'm prepared to move forward without her (if I weren't, I wouldn't be getting ready to file for divorce). I don't WANT to, but I'm prepared to.
Gonna stop on this for now, because I feel like I'm justifying, and that's not where I need to be. I agree living for myself (and D) is what I need to do, and that's what I'm trying. Thanks Kaizen (and Jeeps) for the good advice.
This is a great board with differing view points, but all intended to help you take positive steps in the right direction.
The best thing you can do is take care of you and your D. I can't stress enough to GAL. The best part of DB and this site, for me, was understanding that I wasn't taking care of me and that I needed to start doing that.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
I don't know at this point if I'd be able to forgive or trust, but I'd try.
What do you want from your marriage? If you don't think it's possible for you to forgive and trust again, what are you trying to save? These are key components to a solid foundation. I've been down this road more than once with the same person. I forgave - just never trusted again. It's not an easy path and ultimately I'm back at the same place anyway. Having a spouse cheat on you is the ultimate betrayal. It's disrespect at its highest form.
Everyone is different on what they can forgive, but I'd suggest you think about what kind of life you want to be living. What's going to make you happy? Start with you and worry about the rest as it comes.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
Having a spouse cheat on you is the ultimate betrayal. It's disrespect at its highest form.
Well said. Very well said.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
