Am I Dreaming or Played a Fool?

[FindAir]

Thank you all for your replies and your words.

Cadet and OwnIt- I have nothing against the books. I see on these threads how well they work. Because of you guys I will wind up reading them. I just thought they were geared toward trying to work on it and at the moment I'm tired and I feel like I want to start anew.
And Cadet I will delete my history= Good advise!

[FindAir]

Jeep74-

IKR it becomes apart of you, your being! It wasn't until the big revelation that I understood that it really wasn't me! Its like she molded me to fit the script all this time.

[MrBond]

Not reading the books because you have an assumption of what the contents are doesn't make sense. Read DB or DR to understand the marriage dynamics.

[FindAir]

OwnIt,

No harm at all and your right about the books. Just have ben reeling for weeks now about the direction I want to go. I see in these threads how beneficial the books are though.

It is absolutely hard looking back and saying what could I have done differently knowing what I knew. Thats what why I'm so pissed with myself.

Looking back, I see how the script was written. It was like I was manipulated to play the roll in this sitch.

Thanks so much for the supportive words and advise!!!

[FindAir]

Mr. Bond,

I'm not against the books. I know how important they could be for my sitch. I just think I was buffalo'd all this time. Really trying to go in the correct direction. Thanks for the support, it really is appreciated.

[FindAir]

PacLove,

Yes it appears that she wants to work it out, she doesn't want to lose me(her words). I think thats good I guess. We had a talk last night that she initiated. Says the A is over and she is going to get help. I do love her. Like in Cadet's intro response. I have to believe nothing that she says. I don't want to get sucked back into something with someone who has been lying to me for a long time just because she says so. And.... she was in the bed again last night as well. I'm very apprehensive!

[FindAir]

LOL doodler. Were you played too?

[FindAir]

Kaizen,

I fell into the roll and yes, the unhappiness became progressively worse as time went on.

I know that I have to come first. The problem is figuring out how to do it.

I already take care of myself physically, i.e. eat well and workout. Its my mental state because of all this. Thats the problem.

[doodler]

LOL doodler. Were you played too?

Absolutely! I was totally played. It's embarrassing how well I was played. I got it right at first, but then I allowed her to convince me that it was "just friends" and that I needed to deal with my jealousy issues. Fortunately, we went to an MC that kicked my @ss real good. Of course, my wife (now XW) stopped going to the MC after it became clear things weren't going according to her plans.

It all s*cked, but I grew a pair so big that I had to put wheels on them because otherwise they would drag on the ground. (I might be exaggerating just a little.)

[MoveFrwd]

It was like I was manipulated to play the roll in this sitch.

So what are you doing differently now? What kind of 180s are you going to do to prevent this kind of treatment?

In my mind, if shes back in the MBR with you without any clear R direction, that shes continuing to manipulate you and your boundaries.