I'll tell you want makes piecing difficult for me--ME! I am about to come apart at the seams today. For a few days now I have been bothered by what I perceive to be my H keeping his distance from me. Generally, things are going pretty good. We spent time together and talk but I feel he has put up a wall and won't let me in. Before we separated we always kissed good bye in the morning, sometimes at night he would come over and "spoon" for awhile. Just little things like that. They seem to be gone right now. Even though he wanted us to get back together and made the move, he doesn't want to be bothered in the morning anymore and he never touches me in bed or really any other time unless it is to ML. Why? I want to ask him but I am fighting with myself over it. I don't know if he is afraid of me, like I might go back to the old stuff if he lets me in--or if he just doesn't feel like he thought he did. I'm scared and confused and trying to keep my hand off the phone. I could sure use some suggestions. Is it really a bad thing if I ask him about it? Or do I have to hold it in and try something else?
I'll tell you want makes piecing difficult for me--ME! I am about to come apart at the seams today. For a few days now I have been bothered by what I perceive to be my H keeping his distance from me. Generally, things are going pretty good. We spend time together and talk but I feel he has put up a wall and won't let me in. Before we separated we always kissed good bye in the morning, sometimes at night he would come over to me in bed and "spoon" for awhile. Just little things like that. They seem to be gone right now. Even though he wanted us to get back together and made the move, he doesn't want to be bothered in the morning anymore and he never touches me in bed or really any other time unless it is to ML. Why? I want to ask him but I am fighting with myself over it. I don't know if he is afraid of me, like I might go back to the old stuff if he lets me in--or if he just doesn't feel like he thought he did. I'm scared and confused and trying to keep my hand off the phone. I could sure use some suggestions. Is it really a bad thing if I ask him about it? Or do I have to hold it in and try something else?
Quote: Is it really a bad thing if I ask him about it? Or do I have to hold it in and try something else?
whether or not it's a "really bad thing" for you to ask him about it depends on past experience with him. When you've asked about things in the past what has been his reaction?
trying something else really wouldn't be "holding it in" now would it?! what would happen if intsead of waiting for him to give you a morning kiss or a spoon at night you went ahead and intiated?
Or.... how about being lighthearted - I've gotten some mileage with "demands" - like smiling and saying "hey buster - no dinner until you give me a big smooch".
Of course, when they are REALLY depressed, this doesn't work, but when they just aren't feeling it, sometimes it motivates them to go through the motions - and often, that's how they will start to get the feelings back.
Thanks Ellie and LL! I remember you telling me before, Ellie, about using a little humor and I did yesterday tell him I was going to need a kiss before I went to work cuz he was already up. He "acted" put out but he wasn't.
LL, past experience is that he really dislikes me bringing up this stuff. One of our big issues was my lack of confidence and his being tired of reassuring me every couple of months. And I know that is what this is--my feeling insecure and needing his reassurance. I actually didn't bring this up until this morning. I worked hard all day yesterday and evening to do other things to keep my mind from obsessing. So, I do feel good that I didn't give in to my feelings right away. I did, however, ask him this morning if he was still ok with his decision to get back together and that I was really enjoying our time together and enjoying some of the new things I have found for me to do. I knew he was going to be agitated and he was--but he wasn't angry. He said if he had a problem he would tell me (he's told me that about a million times now--where is my trust?) He said if he hasn't mentioned a problem then there isn't any and he is a happy camper. And he is even happier when I don't bring this sh*t up!
So I know what this was all about--my insecurity--and I fought with myself for a good 24 hours instead of giving in to myself immediately--which is a baby step for me. I'll get better at this right?
Just finished reading through this thread. Thanks for upping it JJ.
I've just started piecing together a new relationship with my SO - a friendship. We never had a real friendship before we got pregnant and let our lives spin out of control.
So I think three things will be hard:
1.Maintaining respect and distance when I so want to hold her and want her as so much more than a friend.
2. Not letting my fears about upsetting her or hindering our friendship interfere with my responsibilities as a parent. (sounds obvious in writing but still a challenge putting into practice)
3. Patience. And being certain, without really being certain, of where it all will lead.
From what I have read here, the things that piecing difficult for me are a little different, although most of them stem from me:
1) Not being totally sure the I even want to be with H. 2) Holding on to the "good times" I had when seperated. 3) Looking at him as the man he was when he left his wife and kids at the drop of a dime. 4) To go with #3 not giving H credit for the things he has changed.
Positive things: 1) I am much more level-headed when it comes to situations that cause disagreement. I don't fly off the handle anymore. 2) I try to be more compassionate for H and try hard to understand his side of things. 3) H and I have a good friendship.
Things to work on:
Way too many to list.
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
1) Truly forgive and forget EVERYTHING. Talk about it, calmly without guilt, and try to understand H for his mistakes. Don't just not talk about things, really repair the R, without blame.
2) Remembering that I made mistakes, but forgiving myself. Harder than I thought.
3) Giving H the space and totally letting go, while holding onto my gut feelings and faith. I realize that letting go, with no ego or selfish need, is probably the deepest way to show love.
4) Going back to the way I was before. Unshackling fear, insecurity, resentment, anger, control.
5) Loving a person in the best ways they need and only in the ways they want from you at that time. Accepting this.
6) Being true to yourself. Clarifying your own mind in what you want, how you want it, what you are prepared to do and face.
7) Focusing on me. Realizing that H is a person I WANT, not NEED.
1. Being grateful to have her as a friend and more observant of our maturity. Appreciating how much better it feels to be real with her then merely settling for unbelievable sex. (okay I still need to work on this one)
2. Giving each of us enough credit, and believing in our friendship enough that now we both know that even our disagreements can serve our children. I will simply continue to have more and more respect and appreciation for the mother of my children, continue giving her options and sharing my views when appropriate, relating to her at whatever level she desires while holding me and our kids to the highest possible standards.
