My husband of 25 years asked me for divorce in January. I was totally shocked. I knew we grew apart to some degree due to owning a business, having a child, health issues etc. But, our friends and family would always tell us that we had a great relationship and in fact my friend recently told me "I always wanted to have what you two had in your marriage". I've read through all the LR technique materials and had a couple of DB phone consultations. But, honestly, I have no energy to follow the guidelines. I've been depressed, started taking SSRIs but then stopped after reading all the horrible withdrawal symptoms and that the depression comes back anyway after you stop them. I don't think this is for me. I've also thought about suicide. I just feel like the burden is just way too much for me to handle.
I love my husband so much and cannot imagine life without him. Our current situation is that my husband insists that he made up his mind, he wants a divorce and he wants to be all by himself. After being pressured by a few people, he agreed to "keep an open mind" and agreed to counseling. We are both seeing a psychologist with 30 years of experience who is pro-marriage. However, we're seeing her individually since she said that right now my husband is convinced he wants out so doing any kind of couple/marriage therapy would only make things worse. She believes (and I agree with her) that he needs to work on himself first and we just need to hope that by working on himself at some point he might change his mind and work on the relationship. I'm just so angry that he told me he would "keep an open mind" but really all he's doing when he sees a therapist is to insist that he wants out. The living arrangement: he stays one week at our house and one outside with a family member. When he is at home, he is very friendly, still doing everything to take care of me and my daughter such as shopping, cooking for us etc. He allows me to give him hugs and hold his hand. However, he makes sure he does not reciprocate too much since he says he doesn't want to give me false hope. There are days when we both behave happy, we have dinner together, watch a movie etc, just like in the old days. Honestly, I'm tired of people telling to me be strong, get a life etc. I wake up in the morning and I feel like throwing up. I feel completely empty. I don't want to live without my husband. And also, I feel really sick thinking about all the things I've done in the past that my husband said make him feel rejected and inadequate. I didn't do anything intentionally and I hardly ever had any feedback from him that things were bad so I never had a chance to change these things but the thought that I managed to make the person I love the most feel so bad makes me feel like such a horrible person. The DB techniques sound good but I'm not sure they are for me. They say to do the exact things that my husband wants me to do. He said he wants me to go back to work, hang out with friends, pursue my hobbies etc. I think if I did that, it would make him feel better in terms of not feeling guilty for divorcing me but I don't think this behavior would change his mind in any way.
Me: 50 H: 48 M: 25 years Kids; 1 child (teenager) Asked for divorce: Jan 2017
Last edited by Cadet; 03/17/1709:04 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Dear pg1966, I hurt for you so much. I've been where you are! Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, and his wanting out just blindsided me. The first few weeks I did all the things that DO NOT WORK. I cried, begged him to reconsider, screamed, crawled up in bed and didn't want to get up. Girl, this did NOTHING to bring him back. It pushed him way further away. Everyone on these boards said- do a 180, go dark (well that was no problem b/c I was about as dark as a tomb!), and like you, it just seemed like too much. I didn't WANT to GAL, go out, exercise, leave the house, even get out of my pajamas. But slowly, one minute at a time, I began to realize that what I was doing was NOT WORKING, and regardless of what happened with him, I could only control me. So I began to follow the rules and go opposite of what I would do naturally. The hardest thing was not contacting him AT ALL and not constantly thinking about him, where he was, what he was thinking, what would this look like in a year, 10 years, would anyone ever hold me again.... anxiety-driven thoughts=no peace inside. LET HIM GO. Pull yourself up and LET GO AGAIN. The thing that jumped out at me in your post was- "he still lets me hold his hand and hug him." THINK ABOUT THAT. Is that how you want a relationship dynamic to be? I know it feels impossible and dark right now, but post on here often, read other people's posts and comment, try to follow Sandi's 37 rules, and I promise you will start to feel better. I'll leave you with a hug and a quote from "The Help"- YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, and his wanting out just blindsided me. The first few weeks I did all the things that DO NOT WORK
Ditto.
Me, too. Things will get better. One day at a time and build your road.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So sorry for your pain and sadly I can relate. I am new here but have a headstart on learning of his horrible deeds. Also married 25 years. I felt much as you did, went through the same kinds of things. It will get better. You will feel better. My H was a week in and a week out as well for almost a year. I learned in that time that I could only breathe when he was gone. I yearned for him to come back and sometimes he would be decent, but the rollercoaster ride was too much for me and the kids.
He's been out of the house since October and as much as it hurt when he left, I can now breathe again. My kids are struggling but showing signs of improvement.
You will get through this. One hour, one day at a time. You may not be able to do everything now, but do one thing, just one thing every day to help you find the path and your way out.
