I have definitely seen a warming up and some affection from the W in response to my "200%" effort in being my old self that she first fell in love with. The DB techniques are effective but.... Here is what I fear: I am definitely moving her on the right track toward re-vitalizing all the old feelings and such, but what about the competitor? First of all she denied having an affair when confronted, although she has been involved with someone for the past few months. (I did not produce my evidence - didn't want it to get uglier). But I worry that any progress we make might be negated by the competitor who might be perceived as a "better catch". Ie: Lots and lots of money, perhaps a better lover, more in common occupationally, etc. So, then what happens if the is confused and torn? Does original "old love" have the advantage. What about our small child being in the equation? What about her sense of right and wrong? If she would have admitted to it I could then ask if she were willing to limit contact to business only (as infrequent as possible). So, instead she denied and I don't know if she is having trouble facing her own reality or if it is part of her/their gameplan and she is waiting for this guy to divorce his own wife first. I'm so scared and love my wife more than anything. I am 100% positive that if it were only me and my regrettably "snoozing on the job", I can quite easily get us back to where we need to be and beyond. But this other factor really has me scared. Any ideas?
i can tell you from my experience, the W is probably very conflicted and very confused.
she is angry at you and resentful of your beeing "asleep" in the past and not allowing your R to be as it should have been. this anger and resentment may be easy to see, or may be burried deep inside. nonetheless, if this is the case, it is causing her to see everything about you and your M in a negative context. she probably knows on some level that the A is wrong - but uses her anger and your "sleepiness" (i.e. neglect) as an excuse to help her fight off the guilt. also, not admitting it to you helps make it less real. my W and i have talked alot about her A, and it is amazing the things that go on in her head. romantically, affectionately, she is totally into the OM. she feels very distant from me. but she does admit that her negative feelings keep her from being objective. the children certainly do help you - but not really in the way you want them to - because they just make her feel more guilty for leaving.
a hard lesson i have learned is that no amount of talking or begging or crying on your part is going to change her mind. she needs to do whatever she needs to do to get some objectivity and decide what she truly wants. you don't want her back just because she is too guilty to leave.
BTW, asking her to cut back on visits with OM is not a real option. even if she agrees, if she is only doing it for you and not bcse she truly wants to, she will not stick to it. and don't you truly want her to pick you over him instead of being coerced into settling for you.
man - i know where you are and i feel for you. sorry. my sitch has been going on for about 3 months now and things are really not any better now. you can find me on this BB if you are interested in my story and experiences.
for what it is worth, my W has told me "i wish when you first found out about my A you had told me to walk away from it or you were walking out the door." she says that early on she was not yet as deeply emotionally connected as she is now, and that the shock of me truly walking out would have snapped her into reality. problem is - you love your W, and you may not be ready to truly walk out - and you can't make that ultimatum until you are fully prepared to back it up. when you have children involved - ultimatums are particularly tough.
You certainly have it nailed down as to what I'm going through. Sadly, the road ahead sounds so dismal and hopeless. I am trying so hard to stay positive, but this is the most painful thing I have ever encountered. Her personality change is only apparent now for 3 or 4 months. I don't think there was an A before that. If I only knew back then that I needed to step up to the plate... but I've been blindsighted with no warning. All she had to do was say, hey we need to talk about what seems to be happening to us... but nothing! She is actually trying to re-invent history and say that "problems" go back "years", yet there was never any issues brought up for discussion. She now says that she did but I wasn't listening. Let me tell you that is a bald faced lie because I have a damn good memory and she also dropped the ball by in fact never raising issues up for discussion. I am so disgusted because I am SO confident that I can step up to the plate and we could soar to hights we've never even reached. But as long as there is an OM I feel that I am at a total disadvantage. Especially if they are intimate and we aren't. What cruelty! She seems completely insensitive to my broken heart and the void I feel from her not being connected anymore. And yet she seems to be relishing in her own selfishness and actually accuses ME of being selfish! Is that sick and twisted or what? Damn, isn't there any good books for WOMEN to read from an objective 3rd party that they can relate to and say "hey this is me", while the author says... but it is all wrong, open the door and give hubby a chance... if the OM will be leaving HIS wife doesn't that speak volumes about him?... If the OM has his own marital problems, what does that say about aspects of him that you don't yet know about... etc. I NEED her to start to read such a book and just maybe if it isn't coming from MY mouth, she might acquire a little bit of wisdom.
Anyway, I thank you so much for replying. I saw how the post was read but until yours there were no replies and I was not much encouraged by it..
Anyone..... are there any good books that could enlighted a W in this situation?
One thing I'm not clear on from your story - has your W ever admitted having an affair?
I don't know of any books written specifically for women who are having affairs. Unfortunately, the kind of wake up call you are looking for is not likely to come quickly. You can try to influence her path to self discovery by becoming a more attractive alternative to the OM. You said you were confident you could "step up to the plate", so why not start now? Do you know what it is about this OM that attracts your W?
If it's any help at all, it's been just over one year since the last contact between my W and her last OM. Right now, although there is still much room for improvement, I feel that our M is better than it has been in 3 or 4 years. My W had 3 As (2 ONS and 1 EA/PA where the PA lasted 5 months). It can work. I don't know what the future holds for my W and I, but I'm much more optimistic now than I was when I discovered the last A. Read Brian's (eskb) and Awake's threads because they are excellent and may have some nuggets of info for you. The path to affair recovery is not linear - you will have many ups and downs for a very long time. Right now, you must focus on getting your W to stop the A. Since she hasn't expressed any desire to stop on her own, all you may be able to do is make yourself seem more attractive than the OM. You have your homework cut out for you.
The other thing you can do is think through your options about where to go from here, trying to gauge how you would feel as your circumstances may change (read Awake's thread). Decide what your breaking point is (although it may change over time). Are you willing to stick with your M no matter what kind of crap your W gives you? If you are, DBing will have the greatest chance of success over time. If not, then at what point do you call it quits? Only you can answer these questions for yourself. What is right for you will probably be different than for other people on this site.
